Dad wont accept his age or my mums

Well I think he sounds ok too - I hope I live like that when I'm 80

The only caveat of course is if he is actually bullying your mum into doing all that stuff too - plainly that wouldn't be ok. But only you know if he is doing that, and you can support your mum to say no. That's a different question to the one you appeared to be asking about whether its unusual for older people to live like that. I know a fantastic 83 year old who is so active - still skiing in fact.

Because he is forcing OP's mum to accompany him on his outings every single day, walking for ages which he enjoys because he is fit and healthy but which her mum struggles with as she is much less mobile due to arthritis.

He lives his life the way he wants with no care or concern for his wife who is struggling and no wonder. OP has said that:

'My mum does everything in the house. I mean everything. Again if she went first he would crumble and not be able to look after himself .
In 80 years hes never cooked or meal , made a cup of tea , switched on the washing machine , made a bed or washed dishes'.

He sounds very selfish and self-centred.

I know it's not the main point of your post but my parents had very traditional roles in the home. My mum did all the housework and cooking, my dad always has to be doing something it's just it was never the housework or meals.
My mum passed away in her early 70s and I worried about how my dad would cope with the house and cooking but he really surprised me. He started with basic cooking and had to follow a recipe to the letter but has gradually got more confident and now has friends round for meals and makes his own bread. He is also fine with the housework and has a weekly schedule to make sure everything gets done.
If your dad ever does have to manage on his own he might suprise you.

My parents are older than yours and over the last few years have had to reign it in because their health has got much worse. But and it's a big but they try to have exactly the same lifestyle but expect other people to make that happen. So before they would drive to their friends. Now they would really like me to drive them to their friends and stay overnight in a hotel so I'm on hand to drive them home. So be careful OP 🙂 (I said I was unavailable for the friend trip).

It’s gr8 he’s in good health for all his life, but because of this he probably cannot understand or tolerate others ill health or medical conditions. It happened with my mum, and boy when she eventually developed a minor condition she did not really cope very well because she was so unfamiliar with ill health, she also lacked any compassion for others who had long term medical conditions “can’t understand why someone is ill all the time”. The cancer diagnosis will have scared the shit out of him and he may be going out of his way to keep going. Some of this needs to be discussed with him, so he understand the impact on others.

No one chooses to be abused.

I mean it’s at least 30 years that it’s been explained to people that asking “well why didn’t she leave?” is a ridiculous question.

Your implication that not leaving is permission to someone to abuse their spouse is beyond disgusting. Shifting the responsibility for stopping abuse onto the victim is vile.

He actually sounds very controlling and abusive, and I would be really really worried for your mother over then next few years if she becomes frailer, and/or has illnesses of old age.

He obviously won’t look after her if she gets sick.

It is one thing to take care of one’s own health, but he’s obviously a profoundly selfish person who will happily make your mother’s life worse, both physically and mentally, because of his selfishness and immaturity.

No he doesn't. He's vile to his wife. That's not "brilliant".

Aw he sounds brilliant!

OP I do know what you mean. Some older people who have never had any real health worries, can be very intolerant of anyone with any health issues. I have come across people like this. It comes I think from an underlying fear of illness and ultimately death, which is why they so over react to any minor health problem, as if it is the end of the world.

It's tiresome.

Well, hopefully he stops driving before he’s killed someone.

god, stop pussyfooting around him. Having ‘sadness and grief’ in his life is no excuse at all to ignore drink driving laws and drive like a twat, no matter how old you are.

Did you read the OP’s post??

Maybe he could be nicer to his wife

Steal your mum off him as much as you can...do things together that suit her and he'd hate. I would.

Tell his Dr he’s not a safe driver and he can contact DVLC and ask them to withdraw his license and be ressessed

Your mum needs help and support. She is living with an abusive arsehole.

people are being very harsh on OPs mum saying to ‘grow a spine’, but I think it’s important to remember that many women in their 70s and 80s were ‘trapped’ in to unhappy marriages; threat of their children been taken away; financial abuse; emotional abuse; coercive control (which is still not regularly recognised); very little help such a the freedom program would have been available, and many women simply accepted the status quo. I’m sure if mumsnet / the freedom program and greater awareness of abuse had been around 40+ years ago, many women would have more agency to divorce (of course some women did divorce, but it still caused disapproving looks and tuts from their community.
If you can afford it, take your mum away for a week, and the arsehole to look after himself, he might start to appreciate just how much your mum does, and your mum might realise what a complete swine he is.

Good for your dad. 'Do not go gently..' and all that. It's awful when people expect others to behave a certain way just because of a number on their birth certificate. Good luck to him.

So that ‘someone’ would be you then?

Yes, I anticipated this and I agree with you. I’d (hypocritically) be equally up in arms to read this about somebody else’s parent. It’s selfish and reckless, no doubt.

However my dad has a lot of sadness and loneliness in his life. He’s still terribly grieving the loss of my mum, and does a hell of a good job of trying to keep moving forward with a positive mindset, which often means making the most of small pleasures. So I’m hoping to deal with it in a less relationship-destroying manner than getting him blue-lighted when he’s gone to a restaurant and had a glass of wine with his dinner.

she cant speak up to him as he has always been very controlling

WTAF, what is it with MNers determined to be un assertive, and saying of course that's just how their children or other relatives are, too. Not saying that people struggle to know how to assert themselves, instead there is shrug acceptance about not having a spine & never learning to stand up for themselves. Argggghhhh....

My take is to give them back full agency, that means that they have both chosen this life, she chooses to go along with his desire to be out & about & never put her foot down to say no. He chooses to be totally dependent on her domestic mastery.

In that situation, OP can only take things one day at a time. A lot of OP's worries are whatIfs, not the situation today.

I expect someone will be along soon to suggest you call the police on your Dad when he's been drinking and gets behind the wheel - and honestly perhaps you should.

Horrible arrogance and entitlement.

He also sounds angry, selfish, impatient, controlling and unkind. So there’s that.

I get it, OP, and it’s unbelievably tricky to navigate, so I’m here for tips to be honest. My dad is 84, physically fit, mentally switched on, fiercely independent, self-sufficient (my mum died 6 yrs ago), opinionated, drives too fast and drinks too much. (Although he’s very considerate of his partner and would never treat her in the bullish way your dad appears to treat your poor mum.)

I have literally just got home after a white-knuckle hour in the passenger seat of his car in torrential rain, with terrible visibility and his foot constantly on the gas like a lead boot, feeling at any minute as though the last thing I may see in this world is the arse end of a transit van barrelling into my face at 85mph.

Whilst I would hate to knock his confidence or try to curtail his life in any way, there is no doubt that he overestimates his abilities and reaction times to a frightening degree, which ultimately endangers other people. Especially when he insists on driving after a few glasses of wine.

But when and how to tackle this so the conversation lands right is incredibly hard to judge. By implying their capabilities are waning in any way is very confronting (for men much more so than women, I think), and a reminder of their own impending frailty and mortality. People like this are running so hard to escape the inevitable - which is precisely what makes them ‘good for their age’ - that it’s almost impossible to broach these things without running into a wall of angry defensiveness and denial.

My tactic currently is to encourage him to use public transport for long journeys instead of driving, on the basis that he’ll arrive fresher and with more energy to enjoy himself. But I do need to have the speeding and drink driving talks very soon, as I’m afraid he’s going to end up killing himself - or, worse, someone else.

It isn't easy being around people who are constantly trying to prove they are younger and fitter than their age. It is very hard work dealing with their sensitive ego the whole time. It can also be a bit heartbreaking when they can't do something and a massive battle to get them to accept things they need, like wearing hearing aids.

It is so much easier when someone is realistic and accepts they are aging but gets on with keeping active and enjoying life.

😂😂😂

The thing is, the world becomes a very small place for the elderly and often the only thing they can think about are the aches, pains and illnesses. Often accompanied by a degree of deafness and poor eye sight. Their peer group is dying around them and they may very well have lost their life partner too. It's a strange and lonely place. I think you're obviously referencing someone you know, so I can't comment on that. But generally it doesn't hurt to have some empathy for a situation that you personally haven't yet experienced and that quite frankly isn't great.

Well I will not to bore on about those ailments - absolutely no need for that. Talk to the doctors about treatment, no/one else needs the details.