What happens to the paid-off marital home if we divorce?

I would seek legal advice. It sounds complex.

How reasonable is dh? It's quite common for mum and DC to remain in the family home until youngest is 18.

You'll likely get half his pension.

This is all decided upon divorce, you do need legal representation unless he's extremely reasonable and you feel you are worthy of an equal share - I'm not sure you sound like you feel this. Recognise what you gave up to allow your dh to go to work and to accrue that pension.

its actually not common anymore for mum to stay in house until children are 18

hete there could be a case for it. Will depend on

can dh house himself elsewhere ?
are you over housed - ie could you sell and split proceeds and if you took higher share of equity ) possibly offset with lower pension offset) could you house yourself and children?
does dh agree to defer his share ?
wil dc ever be independent ?

you need legal advice

Does anyone know what usually happens in this situation or similar?

We are more than amicable - still very close.

He is reluctant to divorce - despite having been separated for a while.

My house is fully paid for and in my sole name. This was our marital home.
His house abroad is fully paid for and in his sole name.

Neither of us needs or wants anything financial from each other. Does that make it clear cut if he will agree to divorce?

It actually sounds as if you can’t afford to divorce in your circumstances. Not everyone can.

Sorry but no court would expect a settlement that gives you the majority while your ex cannot afford anything without family assistance or his family having to pay housing. Their wealth is not relevant and your ex is due a share of the marital
assets ….. if he cannot afford to rent or expected to stay with parents /friends etc that is not an acceptable outcome for a settlement

Although it might be possible you get the house and he takes all the pension depending on values of these.

how much is the house, what size of pension is there ? How much is he currently earning ?

Regardless of the details you likely would have to sell. The split might not be 50/50 but a portion of the equity in the home is his and he will need it to house himself.
Staying in the home until the children are 18 is less common, and with a mortgage free home you actually would have a lot of options vs it still having a 70% mortgage or whatever.

Yes it’s very likely the house will need to be sold. You will probably get more than 50% (maybe up to 65/70% depending how good your solicitor is) but your husband also needs to be housed. Presumably you’ll be able to work when your kids get a place at a special needs school? That should help you afford a small top up mortgage if you can’t find anywhere suitable within budget of your portion of the equity. You should get a slice of his pension as well. How long have you been married and how old are your children?

If you divorce a judge starts by 50/50 of all marital assets including pension sharing. I think expectations are house is sold and you both get half value. Your DH needs to be able to move on and get a new home too. If you got to keep home where would he live? If DC stayed with you your DH would have to pay child support via CMS for DC until 18 or leaves education. Your DH might agree for you to remain in house until youngest is 18 but he does not have to and it would mean he couldn't really move on and buy anywhere else for himself as no deposit as his equity would still be in house you were living in.

Will your children be able to live independently at some point?

You mentioned safety needs being one DC can lock themselves away from other one and you lock yourselves away from both. Surely any house can have locks put on all bedroom doors. Therefore specific needs to that particular house don't make sense.

Some people in this situation buy another smaller property, and take turns looking after the children in the marital home whilst the other one stays at the flat.

I’m not sure how this really means you have to stay in the same home, if your children can’t go upstairs alone or be away from you surely a smaller home would benefit them more nor less?

You need to see a solicitor. You would need to agree a financial settlement if there is to be one. I doubt you will be able to stay in your marital home unless he agrees to this. He will need to live somewhere and will probably want to buy a place.

Sounds like you’d be better moving to a smaller bungalow. Have the bedrooms downstairs. Would surely make things easier? You don’t sound like you need the upstairs rooms.

This isn't necessarily true. If DH moved out to a home of a family member or a place funded by a family member then in divorce court he may be considered suitably housed and this could effect the settlement in OPs favour as his 'needs' won't be seen as being as high. This is the reason it's a bad idea to move in with someone before your gave legally divorced because even without owning the house it can effect asset distribution.

Op is highly likely to get a majority share of any assets as she cannot (I assume) work and indeed have NOT worked much in supporting joint children and this may not change in the future. Your earning capacity in the past, present and future have been severely affected while presumably his hasn't to nearly the same degree. And the comparative ability to raise a mortgage will be large.

Pp is correct I would be seeking legal advice but under the circumstances it wouldn't be unreasonable to be asking for 60-70% or more of joint assets unless there is going to be a change in caring where DH will take on 50/50 care (which seems unlikely) which could allow you to work. But even then you have lost many many years of career growth, pension opportunity income etc because of caring responsibilities so I don't think it's unreasonable to seek a high amount.

Once you’ve separated you should receive substantial benefits, as I assume your children both get higher rate DLA. You’ll also get child maintenance, which would be for example about £600 a month if his salary is £50k. You could be getting around £3-4k total, which should allow you to pay towards a small mortgage - you can contact a broker to find out your options.

The family support won’t be taken into account as part of the divorce, his family aren’t obligated to house him when there are funds available from the marital pot. How is he going to be able to buy a place without a deposit if you just keep the house? A court would not expect him to rent whilst you own. Sorry but I can’t see any compelling reason (like for an example significant physical disabilities/wheelchair where special adaptations had been made to that particular house) that would mean you can’t move. I think you need to accept that if you divorce you will either need to buy him out or move.

Sorry but a court is not going to consider an ex “suitably housed” on a temporary arrangement with a family member. That is a very different scenario to cohabiting with a new partner, and even so doesn’t mean the ex would be walking away with nothing.