Husband says he wants to leave me

And you don’t have to fix it. You feel responsible. But he should be able to empathise with you.

My husband left me when I was diagnosed too. Stage 4 breast cancer. Immediate menopause with chemo. And the sex was not my priority while I had three young kids, breastfeeding and getting v little sleep. The OP is experiencing trauma. It is the most horrific thing to effectively be treated like a brood mare, expected to have sex when your children are babies and toddlers and then after cancer. A lot of women are feeling like this. Please, look after and treat your body with lots of care and compassion OP. It’s been through an incredible amount and still there, looking after you, holding you up and carrying you when you feel battered and look/feel like a different person now. I hear you, even if others on this post don’t know how this experience feels.

Wrong, everyone is worse than me because I'm clearly always "doing something amazing."

I’ve just been through cancer. My partner has been amazing and I often imagine what it would be like if I’d gone through that with my exh!

if he’s acting like this after the enormity of cancer then get rid and take care of yourself x

Ah, so he should do it while she has cancer?

Grow up. Relationship wasn't working, he wanted to leave, he waited until the time was right. Not everyone is as bad as you clearly are.

Ppl keep saying it's not about the cancer bc she didn't have sex with him before that either, but she said she "met his needs" 2-3 times a month.

He was literally having sex the avg amount for couples with young kids despite his wife being "exhausted." He should feel lucky. Shitty man indeed!

It sounds like you weren’t really compatible. You have acknowledged that you weren’t physically intimate particularly before, and you were reluctant for any kind of contact, including to the extent of not really wanting to hold hands. So for him perhaps this feels like a loveless marriage.

That aside, I’m with others in terms of letting him do all the running and arranging as it relates to getting divorced, as long as that suits you, and ensuring he picks up 50% of the childcare. You could even start going away for alternate weekends so he can have a taste of what it will feel like looking after children all weekend on his own.

what you need to remember is your savings, that you have so studiously kept aside, and the children’s savings which are in your name, are all part of the marital asset pot,

Except OP has just had cancer. And before that was in the trenches with small kids.
Just another shitty man

Only a man would think waiting for wife's cancer to be in remission to dump her is "doing something amazing." 😂 I won't be surprised if men start expecting applause & a trophy every time you wipe your own ass.

Man = narcissistic, embarrassing, and BAD

At the end of the day you have children together and that constant won’t change. The outcome of the divorce will be the same whether you choose to punish him for wanting to leave or get angry as you are being advised. Creating angry conflict just makes the process more expensive and painful for everyone including the children. It won’t give you a better settlement and it won’t give you any form of closure or satisfaction.

You describe pre existing incompatibility at a quite fundamental level. Splitting up is an obvious progression. He could stay with you out of duty but is that what you really want? Eventually the incompatibility will result in toxicity. Sex is a basic need and he will satisfy that somehow and probably with someone else.

In relation to mental loads, almost all adults carry around mental loads. They are impossible to escape. How we prioritise and process decisions and actions is the difference. The fact that you think he doesn’t carry a mental load is as much of a fundamental issue as sex. Because it says you don’t respect or value him. And if he is that person , again why do you want to be with him.

It sounds like he is making the right decision. Because your marriage was heading towards failure one way or another. This is is the least toxic ending.

The results of that study have rarely been replicated. Most studies find that cancer actually lowers divorce risk, and there isn't a big gender difference.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8959852/
"According to this systematic review, cancer is associated with a tendency to a slightly decreased divorce rate. However, most of the included studies have methodologic weaknesses and an increased risk of bias."

I'm not desperate to do anything.

It sounds like you have been incompatible sexually for a long time, perhaps you should have separated years ago and each found someone more compatible. Just concentrate on getting healthy and look forward to your new found freedom. You tried but it just couldn't work out with him wanting passion and you wanting quiet evenings and reluctantly faking it once in a while.

Sorry you’re going through this after already having to go through cancer treatment.

No advice really other than I hope you can turn sadness into anger and use it to move forward and get some peace. Get onto substack and follow Zawn Villines, that will help. He’s just another selfish man prioritising himself at the expense of a woman he supposedly loves. There are plenty of them.

Think of it this way, OP. I bet you wouldn’t have left him if he’d developed Erectile Dysfunction and couldn’t satisfy you, would you? You loved him and would have supported him, been mindful of his feelings. But he isn’t doing the same for you. He’s selfish at heart and probably always will be.

Any realtionship break up is shit, and am sorry you are having to go through this after cancer scare.

100% though if the genders were swapped on this, everyone would be saying "lifes to short" go without having something that you want from a relationship, especially given how things were before illness.

She certainly does and in time will find it I'm sure good luck to her😊

ah that is good to know, that is a few big ducks in a row already. Good luck OP. I am not going to say that the next phase of your life can be all about you now (because I've had it said to me and it drives me a bit loopy) but it does sound like you can get through this and make it out the other side. Sending strength x

So he stuck with her during the bad times instead of leaving her at her lowest. So desperate to make up a man=bad conspiracy, you didn’t realise what you are describing is him doing something amazing.

I'm sure you will come up with some deranged new one though, cant have him be anything but now can we.

I feel the same. You deserve more.

weaponised incompetance me thinketh op. It might be interesting to see how "competent" he gets in regards to the split.

Don't facilitate him, but make sure you do your duckies on your side, just super quietly in the background.

I am so sorry. Been through /going through something very similar. Marriage, kids, vows, all of that. Went through a fairly traumatic reproductive issue and boom! His "needs" trumped everything. He sent me an emoji when I got some difficult news- we were still married at that point.

Tbh after the initial upset I think you will find the mental load alot easier just sorting u and kids and having a break when he has the kids make sure he has them a good percentage and good luck to him finding time to have sex when he's running a house and doing half the childcare!!!!

Your post made me feel desperately sad. Gynae cancer must have been awful, and the surgical menopause a massive thing to deal with physically on top of that. I can't imagine your body has even the slightest interest in sex and it's awful your partner can't see that. Surely kindness and care is all you need. I have no advice but really feel for you.