My new partner thinks I have no boundaries at bedtime with 9 year old

Two things, firstly, nine year olds often play up when you have visitors.

Secondly, it’s not up to him.

You do need boundaries - but not with your dd - with your dp. You need to be clear that your dd comes first and his opinion on how to parent her is unwanted and inappropriate.

Don't ignore that massive red flag he's showing you op!

My now dh first stayed over when my dc were 5 & 9. Dd asked if he would sleep downstairs because she felt 'funny about him being upstairs' He cheerfully slept on the sofa and continued to be guided by what made both dc feel comfortable.
This is what your dd needs and deserves. Don't settle for less.

Its too early to play happy families. Since he doesn’t have children why not keep him as a lover, not a bf, and just have afternoons with him while she us elsewhere?

I don’t think she is the right age, and it sounds like the divorce is ongoing? To see you in a new relationship. It gives her the impression that mummies must always have a man.

I hated it when my mum had her new boyfriend staying over. I felt uneasy and anxious.

Never ever would I listen to a man telling me how to bring up my child whether he had his own children or not. If that was enough to threaten my relationship with him I’d like to think I’d end it and prioritise my daughter.

Your daughter is telling you she is scared. Listen to her.

It doesn’t mean your partner is a bad man (although I would personally be questioning my choices of a boyfriend of 6 months thinking he has any say over my parenting style), but it does sound like it’s too much too soon.

You have what is essentially a stranger to your daughter staying over in your house. Imagine having a stranger in your house, feeling uneasy and frightened about it and not being able to do anything. I would at the very least halt the over night stays whilst your daughter is home.

Sorry, OP, it’s too soon for him to stay over when your DD is there, and it’s a bad sign that he’s criticising your parenting.

You do not need this man and everything moved too quickly. Your daughter is more important.

As someone whose 9 year old sounds pretty similar to yours and who, even without the difficulty of a divorce and new partner, also plays up at bedtime.... I absolutely understand how you feel and that it's hard to manage. Frankly, I also think my DD needs to be better about bedtime, but saying, "she needs more boundaries" is all very well and good but there's usually a complicated process that led to the situation as it is currently, and fixing it isn't as simple as "right, we'll do it differently now". Believe me, I know.

I'd also take it pretty badly if someone who is in my home and doesn't even have DC had such strong feelings about what I am choosing to do with my own DD.

So your daughter usually sleeps with you but presumably not if he stays over.....she must feel you've pushed her out on his nights as you don't need her .. was it her needing her or the other way around?
I don't see how you can have a man stay over until you have a bed that is only yours. Work on that first then do his sleeping over.

My dn, also 9, told his dm when she moved them in with a new dp, far too quickly.
You don’t know him mum and I don’t know him.

Dc can be very wise at times.

This child does not feel safe at a very basic level in her body and in her home

please listen and act accordingly

It took time to get to know my parent's new partner and to feel comfortable around them. It's easier in the day when you're all doing stuff together, but to close your eyes and feel safe enough to go to sleep with a stranger in the house takes time and experience for them to not be a stranger. It is very different to the comfort and safety and ability to let go all guards that you can with your parent.

^this

This. Your partner doesn't have a right to tell you how to parent your child. Your child is the priority and he can like it or lump it.

I'm nor surprised she's playing up, her whole life has been turned upside down. The divorce will have got to her, that's a huge thing for a child her age now her mother has a new partner and she's not allowed in bed with her mother when he's over.
There should not be any men over until well after the divorce is over and life is completely settled, preferably until she is in her teens.
I don't know what went on with your previous divorce but it was probably awful for her.

Having been a child in this situation, and I was older than 9, I still vividly remember the anxiety at first of going to sleep with a stranger in the house. Particularly a stranger in my parent's bed. While they were very nice, they were my parent's trusted friend, not mine.

The last thing your DD needs, when their family has gone through significant disruption is new bloke coming in and creating boundaries with her mum.

I would ditch the bloke in your shoes. He sounds needy and annoying at a time when you need to be focused on your dad's wellbeing

Would you want more kids in future? Take note that he thinks parenting is about boundaries and that you’d never be compatible as parents. You will be pissed off with each other for being the opposite type of parent and he will be annoyed at the child for preferring your child centred approach and think that it’s the reason for his methods not working.