My new partner thinks I have no boundaries at bedtime with 9 year old

Your kid doesn't want this stranger in the house at bedtime,

I think they might have a different parenting style

he is not a parent

he knows nothing about parenting

please don’t push your daughter out to placate this gimp

I had all sorts of stupid ideas about boundaries with kids before I had one, because my main priority was my own comfort and other people's kids weren't mine.

What he wants is for your kid to conk out at 8pm so he's got you all to himself. I don't blame him for wanting that but it's hopelessly unrealistic and it's nothing to do with the right way to parent. She's not a toy to be put away at bedtime. She's a little person who wants different things from him. That doesn't mean no boundaries at bedtime but it does mean you set them according to what works for you and for her.

Too soon to introduce a new patner

Well, same position here. DP had no experience with children and made similar, criticising comments about my then 9 year old.

It's extremely rude and annoying, shows ignorance and jealousy on their parts (very oedipal, these blokes), and they need to learn to grow up. I told him so and we argued a lot.

Am still with DP and he's learned not to criticise, DC goes to bed before 10 at least, bit better than it used to be, when DP's here, but mostly we see each other when DC is with my ex.

I've had to realise I can't have the home together I dreamed of. It's best kept separate until DC is an adult.

At age 9 I wouldn't expect to read to her or have to deal with silly behaviour about noise it's clear she was attention seeking and I can see why your partner may be frustrated

You need to slow down.

You are going through a divorce and you already have a new partner.

Your child clearly needs more of your attention than you seem able to give her.

You should be aware that single or soon to be single mothers and their children are very much seen as prey by some men.

This man with his opinions on how you should parent your own child has red flags all over him.

Please reconsider the relationship, and even if you're too invested in the new relationship to consider that he might be abusive or a predator, put your child first.

IMO, 6 months is absolutely way, way too soon to be introducing a new partner to a child. She’s got to get used to her DF not living with her, let alone a new unrelated man.

I would chick this difficult guy back & concentrate on stabilising your DD.

This has moved way too quickly and the fact that you think you’ve taken your time is worrying

I would annoyed at a partner telling me this abd would be wary of his intentions. Eg is he trying to shove dd out if the way and have you all to himself or is getting to be 11isg before you are getting adult time? If it's the latter I get him.

However I always had strong boundaries and routines at bedtime, especially if there was a lot of change happening. I liked to keep things consistent and I didn't encourage sleeping in same bed.
That said, I acknowledge people parent different, it was just consistency worked for me.

How can he have a parenting style? Sorry but this would be ringing bells for me. He's already getting jealous of your child by the sounds of it.

Of course she’s playing up when you have a new boyfriend over to stay the night before you’re even divorced from the last one

I was about to say the same but I can see the OP has ignored everyone else who has pointed this out.
Poor kid, divorce not even finalised and mummy has a new fella in her bed.

I have been with dh for 12 years. He still doesn't give me parenting advice about my own dc. . Although they call him df. He is an excellent df to our joint dc and we share decisions there but ultimately he steps back from making any about mine... An arrangement that suits everyone..

I agree with pp: too much, too soon. You need to end this relationship and focus on your daughter, who is having to deal with an awful lot right now.

Brilliant advice, based on your real life experience. My mum died when I was very young, I can't imagine having to deal with someone being brought in in her place.
I hope you have been able to heal

I totally agree with this and your daughter's behaviour that your partner is criticising seems normal to me. Your partner clearly has no idea of what parenthood ( this isn't a criticism, he isn't a parent) involves. Most children will exhibit your daughter's actions at some time.
I raised my son on my own and was always very conscious of him feeling rejected. I would have felt distinctly uncomfortable letting a boyfriend stay over whilst my son was at home. I think you must thread very carefully. Your daughter will likely be feeling rejected if she is used to getting into your bed,
Wishing you well

Parenting advice from someone who isn’t a parent is basically a piss take.

I don’t think it takes a child psychologist to work out why your child might be feeling pushed out, suddenly replaced in the bed like that.

As for your new partner, he’s your boyfriend and he Needs to butt out.

Is it that you only make your child sleep alone when your partner stays? If so, I assume she isn't happy with that situation, getting turfed out for him.

For those saying about him having a different parenting style, I’m pretty sure most of us were brilliant parents and knew exactly how we would deal with parenting before we actually had children. I think it comes down to how he wants to accommodate a family into his life because there are plenty of people who are fantastic stepparents, adoptive or foster parents despite never being a biological parent.

You haven't really said anything else about him and how he is as a boyfriend. If I was the new boyfriend/girlfriend and I was visiting and it took a 9 year old all that time and high level of reaurrance to fall asleep in their own home and own bed unless ill or other particular need, I think I'd decide this isn't really the situation or relationship for me. I might not comment about parenting style or routines as it wouldn't be my place , but I think for him to have said something however annoying isn't that strange. I think you aren't compatible in stages of life, outlook or expectations. You deciding if you need to make changes to your routines and parenting style is kind if a bit of a continum and it's about what your child needs and then if/how a relationship can be added in. This is more than about just how he is.

I’m sorry but letting a young kid be scared and cry like that is awful. And he sounds like a bit of an idealistic fool as a non-parent if he thinks you should just have more boundaries (not to mention his arrogance in advising on child rearing).

No - your child is dealing with a divorce, is young and frightened. Common sense tells you to put that child in bed with you.

I'm 50:50 tbh. On the one hand he shouldn't be telling you how to parent, but on the other hand I have a nine year old and there is zero chance he would get away with pulling that shit and staying up until 11pm.

To see it from the other side, if I met a guy whose 9 year old was pulling those shenanigans I would think he was an ineffectual person, see obvious trouble ahead, and politely run like the wind.

Don't forget that you are not the only one going through the tricky divorce. Your DD is also. Your new boyfriend doesn't get to say how you parent.

He doesn't get to advise you on the bedtime routine you should adopt with your child, who understandably isn't happy about being kicked out of your bed where she's been accustomed to sleeping because he's in there instead.

You say you want this to work out with him. Why?

I'd focus on your DD, and what she needs and what is best for her. Yes, continue seeing him if you want, but show her the respect she's asking for in her own 9yo way, and give her some stability. Nothing good for your and your DD relationship will come of letting this play out as he would like it to.