Feeling like a failure after birth.

I have just had my second.
The birth of my daughter was idyllic almost as if it had came straight from a rom com. I woke up at midnight waters went whilst I was on the toilet. I went into labour a few hours later. I laboured at home until I was fully dilated. I got to the hospital with enough time to get into the birthing pool and baby was born whilst I was still in the pool just with a little bit of gas and air for the delivery.

This time around I was induced as my body was struggling with pregnancy. My birth was relatively straightforward from an induction point of view. I only needed the pessetry in for a few hours, I had had a sweep the night before. I had been having contractions for the previous 4 weeks due to an irritated uterus so that helped.

I moved to the delivery suite at 6 cm with bulging waters and that's where it stalled. Part of the reason I was being induced was because I couldn't stay awake for more than 1-2h so I had to sleep a lot during labour. When ever I had the strength to stand i progressed and when I had to lie down it went backwards. 4h after being in the delivery suite in couldn't stand any more. I was now only 5cm and my waters were no longer bulging and showing no signs they were going to go. Lying down meant I didn't have the required pressure from the head on my cervix to maintain progress. They decided the break my waters and that put rocket fuel on every thing, baby went into distress, they lost the heartbeat 3 times with calls of "press the emergency button, wait we have a heartbeat" in the space of a few minutes. I then had a midwife chasing the baby during the contraction so they could keep track of baby. He came out with the cord around is neck and was blue for a few minutes.

I thought my body was pretty good after my first birth. It was absolutely magical but I am so so much proud of my body and what it could do after this second labour. I went into that room pregnant and pretty much bed bound feeling pretty crappy about my body that I felt was letting me down. I came out with a healthy baby and a refound appreciation that my body can go above and beyond for me. However baby makes its escape it's pretty special that you have a body that makes another human and gets it into this world whether that is with a straight forward birth, induced, with or without pain relief or a caesarian

Women's birth trauma does matter though.

Give yourself some time to heal. You are great at giving birth. Induction is intervention and it forces your body to do something it's not ready for. It's way more painful. It's no wonder you found the pin too much. It leads to interventions because it's not natural for your body. They should inform you of these risks when they recommend induction, but they don't.

You have a healthy baby, therefore you didn't "fail" at giving birth. You are very, very, very, very lucky. You had a tough time of it, there's no doubt about that. But honestly, there's no such thing as failing at giving birth. It really doesn't matter HOW your baby comes into the world. The point is they ARE here, and it's what you do now that determines what kind of a parent you are, not what you did during the birth.

You have a healthy baby, therefore you didn't "fail" at giving birth. You are very, very, very, very lucky. You had a tough time of it, there's no doubt about that. But honestly, there's no such thing as failing at giving birth. It really doesn't matter HOW your baby comes into the world. The point is they ARE here, and it's what you do now that determines what kind of a parent you are, not what you did during the birth.

You're not a failure, inductions are not always pleasant. I had a great birth with DD1, had her on MLU, 5 hours from waters starting to go to her arriving, fairly calm. Had her sister 7 years later and was induced due to age, had the propess which lead to 12 hours of contractions and then everything stopped. 4 days later I got rushed to labour ward due to heart rate and was put on the syntocin drip, was ok at first then a midwife ramped it up and it was just awful, couldn't cope with the pain at all, and would have had an epidural but when I asked for one it was too late. I expected my second one to be a walk in the park, would recommend getting a birth debrief from the hospital, I left it too late and regret it, you've done amazingly though and congratulations.

Glad you're feeling better OP. 😊

Sorry locainepowderI meant this message for the OP

I could have considered myself as a failure when I had my two now grown up children well over 50 years ago.
My first child went into transverse lie in labour as the head had never engaged so had to be born by a very emergency c section as my waters broke and there was meconium in them.My baby and I almost died in the process, which was under GA.We were kept apart for two days.I struggled to breast feed before giving it up as a bad job.My body was still recovering from the sudden onslaught and baby still very drowsy after having to be resuscitated at birth.
Second one's head got stuck in my pelvic cavity so another EMCS under GA and separation for two days.I did not even attempt to breastfeed.
No way did I feel a failure.Do not think you are and ignore those blissful images of childbirth.

i can totally relate to you. first birth induced, drip & then episiotomy & forceps in theatre..I literally watched them butcher my downstairs in the reflection of the light it was traumatic! took a few months, but I ended up back to normal & healed absolutely fine & so will you! childbirth is a wild ride & you can never predict what will happen so please don’t beat yourself up! I also want to point out that it bloody HURTS like nothing else, so that epidural is definitely necessary OP! you’ve done an amazing job, you’ve grown & birthed a human! Give yourself some credit 😊
I also had another baby a few weeks ago & I was meant to have a home birth, but ended up with an induction & emergency c section..really sad I never got the birth I wanted second time around, but I’m glad my little one is here safe & sound. I also did the same as you & gave my little one formula & then he decided he didn’t want the boob, so I’ve just gone with it!

You might be getting the rush of hormones that causes the baby blues every thing can so bleak and a catastrophe, .it should pass if you are not feeling any brighter in a few days speak to someone about it.

Would it help if you understood that you are absolutely normal? Very few of us give birth without some help, without some intervention, without some birth injury. Many of us experience all three. You still have birth to a little person - how awesome is that 😃!

Injury to your most intimate parts is distressing. It's totally normal to feel upset by it. Give yourself time. If you do not feel your pain decreasing and your mobility and sensation improving, go back to the midwife or the GP.

Struggling with breastfeeding is also normal. With my first, I switched to formula at 2w, but was so distressed by the switch that I went back to breastfeeding at 6w. I relactated enough to only need to give him 1-2 bottles per day. With my subsequent babies I almost exclusively breastfed, and did not sweat over the occasional bottle of formula. But you know what? With each one I struggled to establish breastfeeding. But each time I knew I had done it before and I knew I could do it again.

The same with giving birth. You did it! The next time will be easier. Believe in yourself. You're good 😊

Oh OP, I completely understand how you feel. Birth can be so brutal and nothing prepares you for it. Or the aftermath.

There is nothing you could have done differently. Please bear that in mind. You were in the throes of a wild, natural process. Some people have an easier time, for others it’s more complicated. It’s sheer dumb luck.

It sounds like your husband is switched on and supportive, which is lovely. Do you have other family or friends who could pitch in? Take all the time you need to rest and recover and don’t feel under any pressure to do too much.

Breastfeeding is lovely if you can get it established but not the be all and end all. Bottle feeding is great too! And far better than pain and stress. The main thing is that your baby is fed and you get to enjoy them. And that you get some rest in between feeds! If you want to continue to give it a go, then really pay attention to the basic orientations like starting with nose to nipple, having the baby’s mouth wide open for the latch and making sure their ear moves with the suckling. It will be sore at first, shockingly
sore even, but usually only at the start of the latch. The let downs will feel like there’s glass in your breast. But that is normal and will pass!

You have endured and achieved something utterly remarkable. Please be kind to yourself. Just sit and admire the baby. And sleep! Others can do the rest just now.

Oh my goodness, of course you have not failed! You've grown and birthed a beautiful baby. Childbirth is brutal and it's easy for first time mums to expect it (being a natural process) to be more straightforward than it usually is.

With my first baby my waters broke but then my contractions stopped so I had to have an induction, then also an epidural (which was great) and it wasn't what I had anticipated, all hooked up to wires, tubes and stirrups. I tore quite badly too. By the time he was born I had been awake 48 hours and was so destroyed with tiredness I could barely hold him. Then baby kept coughing up mucus and I was terrified he was choking. I was exhausted but so uncomfortable and anxious I couldn't sleep. I had to start supplementing with formula much earlier than I had hoped too.

But guess what, I healed well and baby (who is now 20) is happy and healthy at uni. His rough birth made no discernable difference at any point in his life. They dont start primary school with teachers saying hmm I can tell he was born by CS or she's only ever been bottle fed - they can't!

By the way the next birth was much easier too.

Im glad your husband is actively supporting you, make the most of it. And congratulations on your baby!

I felt sad reading your post because you've done such a lovely, brave thing and yet you're blaming yourself.

This is typical of us women, we tend to think negatively and blame ourselves instead of positively.

Think of the good things OP.
You have a lovely healthy baby.
You have a good hearted DH to care for you and the baby whilst you recuperate.
You will become normal again down there and be intimate again with DH.
You may be ok to go back to breast feeding in the future but if not that's not a failure at all.

I felt weepy after all my 3 births but it passes and you need to rest, give yourself time and lean on DH.

Congratulations you've done a wonderful thing

I gave birth earlier this year. I can really relate. I also had a not straight forward experience of birth and baby started on formula and now breastfeeds. Thankfully I now feel much, much better in my mind and body than I did at first.

So how did I get here? Mostly giving it time, allowing the hormones to settle, accepting help and asking for help (from husband, family, friends, GP, health visitor), knowing that bottle feeding is not the end of the world.

The first two to three months passed in a huge blur, some days things were worse and some days they were better, but overall things improved week by week.

I felt like my body was permanently destroyed but it will heal. Eat good foods, don't push yourself too hard physically, but again, you need time here which you can't speed up obviously!

Congratulations on your baby OP!

Hey 👋 sounds very similar to my first birth, i was induced as i had gone 2 weeks overdue, was in agony after having the drip and ended up with epidural, then pushed for 2 hours before babys heart started to dip and take a while to come back up so ended up having episiotomy and forcep delivery, it took about 2 weeks to recover from the stitches, but i had the episiotomy and 3rd degree tear, i also wanted to breastfeed but due to tongue tie i wasn’t able to, i had similar thoughts to you, and felt sad that nothing had gone the way i envisioned but once i had healed and back on my feet those feelings faded, i was a single mum so i didn’t have to worry about sex with OH but i got with my current partner when baby was 2 months old, i was worried about sex but everything went back the same, i do have a scar but otherwise fine, 15 years later and i have gone on to have 4 more kids and all completely different labours and births each time, my second i went into labour spontaneously and i will say having the drip does make the contractions so much more painful, i was able to have my second with only gas and air, completely different experience xx

OP, you have done an amazing thing, and both you and your baby have come through it. Your insides will heal with time, and you and DH will be intimate again - just cut yourself some slack, and give yourself time: it’s still very early days! Enjoy your baby, and pat yourself on the back that you have come through the experience together. At the end of the day, if you and the baby are both OK, that’s all that matters. Be kind to yourself - you deserve it.

This is such a good reply.

well done OP! Your body did what it needed to do under very difficult circumstances to get you and your boy through. Thing about birth stories is, it’s just luck, isn’t it, really? Like all medical/health things.

rest up (ha! I mean, as much as possible) and feel what you need to feel but take strength from all the women who support you on here and your friends and family in real life.

@Overthinkeralways oh I remember feeling like this afternoon both times i gave birth, neither if which were the perfect births you see on tv.

Years later I spoke to a friend about it, because she also felt like a failure for different reasons.

Congratulations on your new baby, you will recover physically sooner than you think and you'll be able to focus on your newborn. Good luck! 💐

I must have been a dreadful 'failure' in that case! My first baby was over 40 hours labour, his heart rate dropped so I was whisked in for a csection. Second baby was a very last minute csection for the same reason. My notes actually read 'csection due to 'failure to progress'' with ds1.

My sons are healthy young adults now. I am not so sure that I would have been able to write that sentence had I given birth to them 100 years ago.

I also struggled with BF'ing ds1 (and I hated it) so I just stopped and switched to formula and everyone was a lot happier.

Enjoy your baby and I hope you feel much better soon, OP. x

I gave birth 9 weeks ago after induction and also had several stitches after a 2nd degree tear. Walking was really difficult and I was so swollen intially. I too thought it would never be normal again! 9 weeks on and I feel I’m just about healed and could potentially consider intimacy. Please take it slow and rest up! I also tried breastfeeding but I couldn’t establish a supply. We are now formula fed and doing so well. I felt guilty at first but formula was better instead of my baby screaming from hunger!

Don't feel bad OP. Half of women used to die in childbirth in years gone by. It was a killer for women.
At least now we have interventions that mean that its unlikely that we will die or suffer lifelong unfixable injuries.
I went through the same with ventouse as well and all I cared about was that my baby was ok and I wasnt dead.
Both my sisters had elective caesarians because they didn't want the hassle of it all.
Very few people pop them out like peas, its a pretty grim process.

God that sounds a lot you must be exhausted i had a similar labour with my youngest I never saw it as failing at anything, this might be your hormones talking but please talk to your HV about how you are feeling, you might be in shock still.