My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

Firstly, OP, I'm sorry you and your kids have gone through the situation.
I don't blame your husband.
If I may, as a person with Asperger's (and probably OCD), little example.
When I was about 19, working and still living with my (abusive) parents, my "mother" came into my room (which I paid them for etc, another country) and washed the window. Left handles dirty, flecks of dirt everywhere else, my polished wood desk full of water marks. I'm 47, parents are long gone. I still remember how I sat there and cried, having to thank her profusely beforehand. I was putting it right half of the night. While living with them, I weighed 48 kg/172cm. It was horrendous and I'm still struggling sometimes.
While your husband's reaction was very unpleasant and unexpected, his brain would have been despairing.
Sorry.

All of the above. I would be preparing for divorce.

Life is entirely too short. Imagine going through menopause dealing with shit like this.

What a baby!
Yes he 'only asked one thing' but so did you, that he'd clean the car himself.

I'd let him move out to be honest.

Thats ok then i wonder how many men who kill their partners when their partner leaves them are ND but all ok coz hes ND! you only think its ok as somewhere in your life or background youve been conditioned to believe its ok, if a teacher bullies your child is that ok coz theyre ND or a friend never pays and is rude is that ok coz theyre ND , if you accept the behaviour like this of an ND partner you are teaching your children to accept this behaviour in their relationships, ....why on earth would anyone tolerate abuse rather than be single and justify it by saying the kids would rather he abused me and we stay together, the world has gone mad....

You cannot drive around in a dirty car, the windscreen needs to be clean especially this time of the year with low sun

A little off topic but I've washed my car roughly three times in the three years I've had it. It's fine. The windscreen gets cleaned when it's rainy or occasionally I'll use the wash/wipe. It's dark grey so doesn't show the dirt. Looks a bit shinier and blacker when it's been washed but otherwise little different.

OP - agree with the others - this is no way to live. You both seem to want out so just do it and try to do it as amicably as possible.

And again, for anyone at the back who didn’t hear BEING ND IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR BEING AN ARSE.

The difference here is your parents had natural power over you. You didn't have as much choice in the situation. You presumably hadn't agreed that you would clean the windows and then didn't.

At 19 and being autistic, you would be emotionally immature for your age and have had less life experience and knowledge of how to cope when things like this happen.

OP 's husband is in his 50s. He is in an equal and optional partnership. He has lived enough life to know his triggers for meltdowns and should have the tools to manage it. It's not his car. OP and the kids use it.

Your example isn't equivalent.

It's not about growing out of it. It is about taking responsibility for their rigidity.

If I felt so strongly and was so controlling about a shared item then I'd bloody have to make sure I stuck to the agreement myself. Can't hold someone else to an agreement once you've broken the agreement which was for DH to clean it to his liking.

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I really feel for him here. Autism and OCD have a lot of overlapping traits and it can be genuinely stressful not to have control over certain things that feel important to us but banal to others. But the control is about personal anxiety, not gaining power or making others feel less than like e.g. a narcissist would be doing. It was important to him and silly to you. Can you not understand the hurt there?

I'm sure his quirks are very difficult to live with and your frustration is valid - It's totally fair to have run out of patience. Equally, I think he deserves to live with someone who won't intentionally trigger him this way. It was not an accident but a choice, so I can understand him feeling disrespected - Especially since you hid it rather than letting him know. He also needs therapy to manage his anxiety and resultant compulsive behaviours better.

What I don't understand is why you're criticising him for talking about leaving when he's (correctly) identified that it's what you want.

If he is living with extreme anxiety then it is for him to address it with therapy. There's no reason for anyone to be living with extreme anxiety.
He has refused help and then expects everyone even his own children to tip toe around him.

It's HIS problem.

Only on Mumsnet. Neuro-diverse the get together out of jail free card. This is such an over reaction, it suggests he’s a complete tossed. How have you coped with behaviour like this long enough to have children.

Thats a difficult situation.
Your DH seems to be saying if you do not do exactly as i think best i will leave you...
Which is abusive and controlling.
get legal advice .

Controlling and abusive.
Whatever his diagnosis.
Time to give yourself and the children some peace.

This isn’t his autism or “rigid thinking” he is being a dick.
His reaction is massively OTT, especially as he doesn’t wash the bloody car himself.
As the wife of an autistic husband with an autistic son, this is not the autism. This is his lack of empathy for you: this is abuse.

I don't think Jam Swirl realises how distressing at first it is when they threaten to walk out. Then one day you hear it for the umpteenth time, and say there's the door, just go. Be happy living alone.

Your husband diagnosis doesn't mean he should speak to you like that he is just extremely rude let him go and find somewhere else to live with his car you and your children shouldn't have to put up with his bull crap

@Brownhotwaterbottle How I long for a life so uneventful and trouble-free as your husband's that I would collapse into a state of despair over something as trivial, inconsequential, and insignificant as the possibility of paintwork being damaged on my car due to a car wash.

There are obviously bigger problems here than how the car is washed. But one thing I would say is that you need to stop worrying about what your in laws think of you, ie their potential judgement over a muddy car. I have learned this over many years of my in laws thinking I’m a ‘strange girl’ (am 59 now and still get called this!) They think I’m strange because I’m not like them. It took me a long time to accept that not being like them wasn’t a fault. The scenario with not wanting the car scratched by a mechanical car wash is very familiar, as DP is like this. In his case it’s more about painted surfaces or varnish or other household items getting marked or chipped. I agree with some of it because I recognise that looking after something makes it last longer and realise that I can be a bit careless about ‘stuff’. My parents were very relaxed about this kind of thing when I was growing up and sometimes I feel that DP values ‘stuff’ over people. I ignore his preferences over some of the more trivial things because it’s my house too. I think it’s not a great environment for children to grow up with an overly fussy or rules obsessed parent and I know that DP made a huge effort to curb his instincts to restrict their play, which I recognise and appreciate.

As someone who is ND myself, I have specific things I like being done a certain way. Like I want things in a certain place.
But guess what, if we have guests coming over and me and DH are both trying our best to get the house in order he will be throwing things in random drawers, and I have to suck it up. The greater good is having the house tidy.
It's about being reasonable. It is reasonable if the car is filthy to get it cleaned in the easiest most practical way when you have two kids.
The kids prob find it fun going through the car wash too.

OP's DH needs to look beyond himself and while his brain may dislike certain things, and it might be frustrating, uncomfortable, a justice sensitivity wound, sometimes you have to say you know what, I'm not an island, and I want to live with other people and that means if I don't clean the car then there is a risk somebody else will.
Is it reasonable for a car that's muddy to be cleaned in any way possible? Yes.

I'd be out there washing it with washing up liquid just to spite him, so he's very lucky.

Sorry but that does not justify his reaction at all. Not AT ALL so stop trying to make excuses.

And if he was so particular about how the car must be washed he can bloody well wash it himself cant he?

Yes she shouldn't have washed it that way but it's not the end of the world and he doesn't get to treat her like a little child that he can control with his tantrums and silent shoulder, no. He can fuck off to his apartment all he wants.

Yes she said she doesn't want him around because this isn't a one off, he sucks the air and joy out of every situation and the home and is usually off by himself in the room doing his thing ignoring his wife and kids. Don't try to spin it and act like OP went to the carwash to upset him because she doesn't want him around.

And on top of that she has to deal with a bunch of judgemental inlaws as well, what a wonderful bunch.

There's obviously no love in the marriage as things stand and with him repeatedly rejecting even attempts at marriage counselling and I've obvious OP is only hanging on because of her kids not because he has some amazing redeeming features.

You say she shouldn't chuck him out his home while ignoring the clear fact that HR threatened to move out and then change this mind when he didn't get his frosted reaction from OP aka she wasn't begging him please don't go!!!

Edit:

"How did I threaten him?. He said he'd be happier in an apartment alone and I said "go ahead and get an apartment alone if that's what you want" every other time he's said this I've backed down and said ",no please stay" "we are a family don't go" but why should I do that anymore.... if he wants to go just go ffs
Go to post"

I didn't even see OPs response before I posted and I knew immediately it was a controlling tactic, he threatens to leave and she has to beg him to stay and when It didn't work this time he quickly backtracked and then attacked her for wanting him to go. Classic emotional controlling tactic.

If he had just cleaned the car like he said he would, you wouldn’t have gone to get it cleaned! I’d have taken it to a handwash place then he’d never have even known.

Can you afford to live separately? Do you work/own half the house/car?

I would be pissed off that I drove them all to the pub and back so they could have a few drinks, and all you got was criticism!

He can go alone next time in his dirty car and drink lemonade.

Get rid of him. Honestly you don’t need this controlling sulking man in your life. A close relative of mine is married to someone we suspect is autistic and it’s the same kind of situation you’ve described. Very rigid thinking about how things SHOULD be done. No room for other viewpoints. Their way is the only correct way and they cannot tolerate any deviance. Also quite extreme reactions when things are not done properly. Lots of shouting, slamming doors, storming off. Followed by refusal to speak for hours and hours. It’s exhausting and is abusive to the other members of the household. Their child is quite anxious due to having to walk on eggshells all the time. My relative has come to accept the behaviour as normal but everyone else in my family can see how bad it is. I hope one day they will find the courage to leave. You don’t have to tolerate your DH’s sulks and controlling behaviours and it’s not your fault if he is lonely.

He doesn’t want to leave because you washed the car the wrong way. He wants to leave because he asked you not to do something, and you trampled all over his boundaries and hid it from him. AND he didn’t actually say he wanted to leave you, that’s just your misleading title.

Lying is unacceptable to many, and to a person with autism it can be even harder to deal with. You know that you are in the wrong but still you worded it in a way that made it seem as though your husband is the one who is being unreasonable.

Is the lie he is upset about small, yes, would it matter to most, no…but it matters to him. He specifically asked you not to do something but you did it anyway, you showed a huge amount of disrespect.

Did you actually show the situation the gravity you should have? Or did you try to minimise it or tell him he was being ridiculous/silly when he showed how much it bothered him? To him it is rational, even if it is irrational to you. Try giving him a sincere apology and telling him that you didn’t realise it was so important to you, and that you won’t do it again, but that he needs to agree to a cleaning schedule for the car.

People who threaten to move out, to control the behaviour of their spouse, deserve to be told to crack on. FAFO!

It's not his neurodiversity that's the problem - it's his personality. He's a dick! Your kids would be much happier not living in a household where dad feels he has a right to control how everybody else lives. I think you'd be doing them a huge solid if you separated now - can you imagine what he'll be like with them when they are stroppy, argumentative teenagers?

Id have taken the car through the car wash - he had plenty of opportunity to do it himself and chose to be lazy and not do it.i wouldn't tolerate the silent treatment either.

Hahaha ok it's official, you're crazier than I am 😂 😆