My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

Oh god , to a NT person you could say “ well you have only washed it by hand yourself x 2 since March so what was I supposed to do ! “
But a ND ..well …😭 currently dealing with one diagnosed and one suspected in this house .
I’ve had the silent treatment/ sulking and I’m worn out

Autism or no autism, he said he'd clean it and hasn't. He doesn't get to dictate how you clean it. Car washes do not damage paintwork.

maybe for children…mumsnet is notorious for people excusing their children because of autism etc, but then all of a sudden when the same children are adults they are expected to have learned empathy and compromise, and if they haven’t then they must be toxic.

It is mad to be honest. And the particular struggle with this is if their parents allow them to carry on without masking or learning to deal with life, because as soon as they get husbands/wives and they don’t know how to handle compromise or unknowns and react they are called controlling or coercive.

Imagine being an adult who as a child was told it is ok to be autistic and need people to bend to suit you, only to find that this isn’t how the world actually works.

He didn’t threaten to move out. He just said that they would probably all prefer it if he did. When she told him to go get an apartment he told her he wasn’t leaving.

OP has mislead in the title

YANBU I've been through mechanical car washers with a person who pre-washes first and the paint work has never been damaged. But it sounds like you have bigger issues than just the car.

Disagree. He said the PA " everyone would prefer it if I moved out" and it's not the first time either! OP told him to please himself, and he didn't like that either. He's a manipulative arse and because OP didn't beg him to stay, he's having a sulk.

I think you need to spell it out to him very clearly and point out that marriage is give and take.

Give him two choices. Im going out with the kids and you are free to join us. But if you choose not to engage please do not say your lonely as this is your free choice.

I need the car clean. Either you clean it to your exacting standards as you clearly have very strong views, or I will clean it. But let's be clear, my way will never meet your standards as its never good enough so there is your choice.

I'd also be saying that he either chooses to work on his rigidness and be part of a imperfect family home with imperfect humans, or lives rigid perfection alone as you will never measure up and his attitude effects you and you have a right to enjoy your one life.

I live in ND household. Home truths are dealt out weekly otherwise you raise un self aware humans. Luckily people also hit me with home truths too. People who choose to be mortality offended rather than self reflect are that's.

You can be ND and a arsehole. Its not mutually exclusive.

Oh come on. “You’d all be happier if I left” which he apparently repeatedly says is the same as threatening to move out. Or rather he is saying it because he wants the OP to beg him not to. It’s manipulative. She called his bluff this time, which he absolutely deserves if he keeps saying he’ll move out.
And you’re giving the OP a very hard time for “trampling” on poor DH’s feelings. But have you missed the bits where she said he routinely tries to control her, shouts at her when she doesn’t conform to his standards and sulks when he doesn’t get his own way? She went and apologised to him for the car wash. He got annoyed. He didn’t accept her apology. I’m not sure how you can be defending his behaviour when controlling, anger and sulking are patterns seen in abusive relationships. He doesn’t get a free pass to abuse his wife because he’s ND.

She didn't think her way was the best, it would appear her way was the only way as he doesn't bother to wash the car.

I also assume he doesn't do much parenting, so having to wash the car is yet another chore for OP

Maybe he doesn’t care if his parents judge him for a bit of dirt 🤷🏻‍♀️

“The point” is OP unilaterally decided to knowingly “damage” the paintwork on their car, it will cost a lot of money to fix it, some of it may be permanent, and he is not unreasonable to be upset by that.

He is unreasonable to have such an extreme reaction. What OP did was wrong, his over reaction and the way they argue is the main issue and unhealthy.

Ditto. Autism/ND is no excuse for abusive behaviour. And that’s what he’s subjecting you to. As the child of a parent who is clearly ND but at 70 will never change or acknowledge it, my childhood was made hell by them. Get out now.

If you remain in this marriage you are going to have to spend the rest of your life effectively 'gentle parenting' a grown toddler.

This is what it becomes when it's all about the other person: their needs, their preferences, and the subsequent emotional abuse when they don't get their own way. Walking on eggshells.

Life is fucking short. This life we each have is the only one we will ever know about.

You decided I meant these "ND" people when I said "these people". I was only referring to the personality traits described by the OP, which a lot of ND people have, but not only them. Anyone who behaves like the OP described is exhausting to be around and I do not recommend it.

there is no damage to the car ffs

PrincessFairyWren was talking about ND people. You then responded to that post, making reference to ‘these people’. But I appreciate the clarification.

This. Let him go so you and your children don’t have to live with his passive aggressive behaviour.

You both sound immature. This is surely a rather childish spat over you using a car wash and him overreacting.

TBH I'd not have washed it just for his parents.
If they commented, all you had to say was it was their son's job and he hadn't done it!

I know for sure that many married couples threaten to leave when there is a row over nothing but usually it blows over.

Surely you can both sit down and patch this up?

You were both in the wrong IMO.

Having a parent who gives the silent treatment and sulks does have a long lasting effect. My Dad was like it our whole childhood. It was horrible to live with, always on egg shells.

Recently, for the first time ever in our 25years together my husband got cross (with the oven not me/us) and threw the spanner on the floor.

I had such a visceral reaction, it took me right back to childhood and the utter dread of the whole atmosphere.

My DH apologised within minutes and it was nothing in the scheme of things, but it brought back childhood trauma that I didn’t realised was so vivid.

If you can make it so you protect your kids from this, I think that’s what you need to do.

He’s controlling. Big deal, you had the car washed. What a man baby! Fuckity bye to him.

So someone who says ‘I think you would prefer it if I didn’t live here’ is threatening to move out…really? No they absolutely are not, they’re expressing how they are feeling as though they aren’t wanted, which is the vibe I am getting from the OP to be honest.

I’ve just replied essentially to the same thing above 👆 just saving myself writing it twice.

You’re missing the part where OP said that sounds like what he wants and he agreed. THEN she said he could leave. Which shocked the crap out of him because he’s so used to her backing down when he pulls this little routine.

The part where the OP suggests he moves out? Not him threatening to though is it

DH doesn't like anyone to eat in his car. But our current setup means I often have to drive it so he has accepted that sometimes food will be consumed if DS has to be in the car for a long time and is hungry. I guess this is my closest scenario. I try to respect his wishes by not giving DS anything super messy like yoghurt. He accepts that managing the children's schedules is hard and doesn't make an issue of it. If we had fully separate cars and I just chose to drive his when I didn't need to and then made a mess that might be different. As you have a shared vehicle you both need input into rules around it, he can't just have final say. Same with all his rules. Is he using control to manage anxiety rather than actually compromising with you and ensuring both your values are reflected in how things are done?

Sorry you have been so drained by your husband’s issues. You mention you don’t want to lose the children but based on others I know in similar situations, it’s possible he would be relieved to hardly see them or only for short, structured bits of time. Even playing computer games together in separate houses for example.

That doesn’t solve childcare issues for you but I imagine you would get a lot of your self and your enjoyment of the kids back if you separate.