My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

I'm not sure that's true. I think yes it is about control but it's possible that the need for control is rooted in anxiety- that's fairly common with asd. My BiL (autistic) has lots of things that he feels only he can do because they won't be done "properly" if a third party steps in - and to be fair, when he does something like DIY or decorate it is done to an extremely high standard. However it is also true that he has a lot on his plate and is a champion procrastinator, so, left to his own devices, their house would be falling apart with all these jobs that only he can sort.

In his case the answer has been to put time limits on things (if you don't do x in the next month I will get someone else in to do it) combined with finding some extremely good tradesmen who will work to his (exacting) standards. But my sil loves him and they have the time and the money to do this.

An Autism diagnosis isn't a green card to treat people like crap. Yes, people with Autism can be very rigid in their thinking but giving you the silent treatment and sulking, isn't an exclusive Autistic trait, that he can't help. That's an arsehole trait!

My husband won't use mechanised car washes, as yes, over time, they can damage the paintwork, as the brushes etc are very harsh. However, using the mechanised car wash once, isn't going to cause significant damage.

Tell your husband that the silent treatment/sulking isn't acceptable. Next time he needs to chose a date to clean the car by hand, and stick to it, rather than keep putting it off or the car stays dirty. He then can explain to people why the car is filthy.

None of this is about the car. It’s about control. If it were about the car it would never have escalated to the point where OP had to intervene. It was a test.

If you've suggested marriage counselling and he isn't willing to engage, then really the next step is divorce I'm afraid.

If he wants to keep his car in pristine condition, he needs to be washing and polishing it by hand once a week. If he hasn't washed it for months, he really can't care that much.

I’m not trying to, I am just unhappy with the misleading thread title and the way the OP has positioned it as her husband being a problem and everyone has decided that he must be controlling or abusive.

He is literally a normal person who has some quirks because of his autism. He is maintaining his boundaries.

They do need to find a better way to communicate, but it would help if the OP didn’t lie to him and wasn’t so dismissive of him.

I’m not trying to, I am just unhappy with the misleading thread title and the way the OP has positioned it as her husband being a problem and everyone has decided that he must be controlling or abusive.

He is literally a normal person who has some quirks because of his autism. He is maintaining his boundaries.

They do need to find a better way to communicate, but it would help if the OP didn’t lie to him and wasn’t so dismissive of him.

A lie by omission is still a lie

Im 41, My DH (50) is recently diagnosed autistic. He's always been pretty rigid so the diagnosis didn't come as a surprise.
Yesterday we were going to his parents house me and the kids were driving there but DH was taking bus from work. The car was really muddy so spur of the moment I decided to drive through the car wash on the way there (his parents are quite judgy so I didnt fancy rocking up in a muddy car). Now full transparency DH has asked me not to go through the car wash as it "ruins the paintwork" but he also promised to wash it himself and has only done that twice since we bought the car in March. Anyway we had a nice time with his family and we went out to the local pub for some food DH and his parents had a couple pints and I entertained the kids and drove everyone home afterwards. But when we got into the car my youngest made a remark that we went through the car wash on the way there. DH was totally silent the whole way home (which was awkward as kids and me were chatting away) and went straight to bed without even saying goodnight to me or the kids. Then when I apologised he freaked out saying I don't respect him as he only asked me "one thing" and it shows what I think of him said everyone would be happier if he lived in an apartment alone. I said it sounds like thats what you want. He said yes that's true. So I said " OK fine I won't stand in your way take the car and go get an apartment" to which he then said angrily "you'd like that wouldn't you. This is my home I'm not leaving" like wtf I can't keep up. This morning he's still not speaking to me.

No. The first post makes him look like a sulking asshole. The latter posts make him look like an angry sulking asshole. Not a drip feed at all. The context hasn’t changed with the updates.

Also seeing as you’re so fond of the literal, can you explain where it says OP lied about washing the car? She didn’t announce she’d been through a car wash. He didn’t ask. Why does he get to impose the rule? Doesn’t her preference for convenience and a clean car count for anything? Why does that make her a liar?

It was a drip, the first post makes him look like someone who is unhappy his boundaries have been trampled on. The updates have changed the context significantly so portray them both in a bad light instead of just the OP

One is a liar and the other is an asshole…like I said, which came first and which caused the other I really don’t know.

I do know that they shouldn’t be together, and it’s quite simple

Well exactly this. If it was the other way round, it would be full of 'he doesnt respect you', 'why dont your views count', 'he's just overridden your wishes'.

It was a drip, the first post makes him look like someone who is unhappy his boundaries have been trampled on. The updates have changed the context significantly so portray them both in a bad light instead of just the OP

One is a liar and the other is an asshole…like I said, which came first and which caused the other I really don’t know.

I do know that they shouldn’t be together, and it’s quite simple

I think for me it's triggered me back to 2021/2022 where he was so rigid about covid even way after the guidance was lifted. He didn't want me leaving the house with the kids. I remember him freaking out at me because i ordered takeaway and he thought that was too dangerous. He watched me on the ring doorbell and got angry because a delivery guy got too close. I had two young kids and felt so isolated. He would never be violent or anything just the same as this, saying that I didn't care about him and got silent. I went to counselling and learned to break free of his rules

It wasn’t a drip feed. She added some detail that showed the behaviour she was describing wasn’t out of character for him. It was a pattern. She didn’t add detail that changed the context of the original post, which is why people complain about drip feeding usually.

It seems an awful leap on your part to say his controlling behaviours wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for OP! Or to make out her updates must be made up.

Other than perhaps you really are Mr @Brownhotwaterbottle I cannot for the life of me understand why you have consistently defended his abusive behaviour, made out his abuse is actually the fault of the OP, insinuated she’s lying….. I don’t think I’ve seen such a display of victim blaming. Please stop giving advice to people.

Like I said, relationship is a shambles 🤷‍♀️

They shouldn’t be together, I doubt he would have this behaviour if they weren’t. And don’t you think it is odd that the drip feed came in after when people weren’t all onside immediately.

I doubt a lot of the updates as they just escalate from nowhere and honestly what would be the point in raising the car wash incident if there were so many other issues like the ones since mentioned.

It is an obvious LTB based on the updates…so it’s just an odd thread to me in general.

Like I said, relationship is a shambles 🤷‍♀️

They shouldn’t be together, I doubt he would have this behaviour if they weren’t. And don’t you think it is odd that the drip feed came in after when people weren’t all onside immediately.

I doubt a lot of the updates as they just escalate from nowhere and honestly what would be the point in raising the car wash incident if there were so many other issues like the ones since mentioned.

It is an obvious LTB based on the updates…so it’s just an odd thread to me in general.

I bet he would love her to end it so he can play the victim!

I think it would be quite hard to respect someone who watches their spouse on the ring doorbell camera and then shouts at them for getting too close to a delivery person. Or trying to ban her from going outside even when restrictions were lifted. You’re making out like his “rules” (and I use the word rules rather than requests as plainly he makes rules and then polices her compliance) are normal. It isn’t normal to police your partner by watching video footage of them and shouting at them. I repeat, you are legitimising his behaviour and it is abuse. I agree that the relationship sounds like it should end. I don’t agree the OP’s “lack of respect” is responsible. She hasn’t adhered to his rules. That’s not a lack of respect. That’s a refusal to have an abusive partner dictate and police her behaviour! Why does his preference for car washing count more than hers?