My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

Get someone to take the kids out for at least a few hours, then sit down and actually TALK to him. Both of you need to work together on this, actually talk and listen to each other. Voice everything you both feel and want. Then see from there what you both need to do.

‘Politely remind him’ is me being sarcastic.

I disagree. It's extremely toxic for your kids to be exposed to this kind of behaviour. If he moves out, it stops.

Oh, fuck this. I could not live this way. The car was dirty, he didn’t wash it, it is PERFECTLY acceptable to take it through a bloody car wash. It’s ridiculous to even suggest it isn’t acceptable. I bet if you’d rocked up to his parents house in a dirty car, he would have had a problem with that wouldn’t he?

Either way, there was a problem and you solved it. End of story.

It’s not your job to tiptoe around his ND/anxiety/ whatever. He needs to get help because it sounds like he’s making everyone’s life around him miserable. And I bet he won’t get help. Some men are just like this. Joy suckers. Won’t get help. Don’t let this man make you think that you doing very very normal things is unacceptable for one second longer. Get rid.

100%

Abuse trying to be disguised as ND.

It isn't, it is abuse.

He's obviously being a twat, but why does it ruin paintwork?
Also, who looks at a car and thinks that's been through a car wash if they're buying it. Is he planning on selling it? Is it something really snazzy or is it like a Vauxhall Corsa?

Also washing the car twice since March doesn't sound bad to me

Let’s get this straight: he failed to keep his promise to wash car, you were designed driver and kid minder while everyone else enjoyed pints, you did everything plus sort the muddy car to keep the peace with his judgy parents. He then threatened to leave you, you called his bluff and now he’s sulking. Let him sulk. He’s diagnosed autistic therefore understands his reaction is overly rigid. Let him work it out. Remind him that it’s fine to have high expectations but for yourself well as others. Edited to add: perhaps pints don’t agree with him either?

I somehow doubt this is the One Thing he has said not to do. Are his fixations and traits restrictive of your lifestyle generally? You may not realise but have just become conditioned to accept and work around them. Would your dc have a more relaxed time without him there, let alone you? I bet the carwash was a novelty!

A. I use the car wash occasionally and never have had damage, dh regularly puts his through, no damage.
B. It’s not about the car wash, it’s about control or his feeling of lack of control.
C. As difficult as divorce is, it’s probably easier on the dc sooner rather than later, I’m not saying rush but it’s far harder with teens

An Autism diagnosis isn't a green card to treat people like crap. Yes, people with Autism can be very rigid in their thinking but giving you the silent treatment and sulking, isn't an exclusive Autistic trait, that he can't help. That's an arsehole trait!

My husband won't use mechanised car washes, as yes, over time, they can damage the paintwork, as the brushes etc are very harsh. However, using the mechanised car wash once, isn't going to cause significant damage.

Tell your husband that the silent treatment/sulking isn't acceptable. Next time he needs to chose a date to clean the car by hand, and stick to it, rather than keep putting it off or the car stays dirty. He then can explain to people why the car is filthy.

Actually, on the contrary, I think this is a really well-framed response, with lots of really insightful points in it.

I have noticed in recent years the tendency to label behaviours - passive aggressive, abusive, narcissistic etc - actually often has the reverse effect from the intended impact of those sorts of concepts, which is to help people understand others. The problem is that labels start to fall short because people are in fact unique. Yes, moods CAN be used as a form of abuse, but I was really struck by your comment:

i have also learned to accept his moods as overwhelm which helps me. It’s not him punishing me with silent treatment - he is overwhelmed.

It is too simplistic to always say silent treatment = abusive behaviour. There are lots of reasons people have moods and often it IS emotional overwhelm. Small children do it, and they are often not being abusive or manipulative - and yet sometimes they are! It takes a bit of knowing the person to be able to assess these things, and that is where black and white approaches of rules and labels can actually complicate and harm relationships as much as help. Often silent treatment or moods are used by people who are actually the abusee: there is lots they would LOVE to say in a very direct and not very moody or silent way, but that sort of direct expression would be dangerous for them. Relationships are more complicated than just labelling behaviours from a distance, and I think your approach shows a sensitivity to that.

Yeah this is it. My comments over the thread have developed based on what OP has told us about the entire marriage.

If this was a one off and it purely was a bit of an ND meltdown that could be dealt with as a couple (i.e he was prepared to engage and understand his behaviours are hurting her) that's one thing. But clearly it's a pattern of behaviour and it's pretty abusive from what i can see.

The more you write about him Op, the worse it sounds.

Please don't continue to live like this, only you have the ability to change things for the children, they can't say "that's it we're not living with this shit anymore, we're off".

'TALK'? To the guy whose giving her the days' long silent treatment? You say it like she's not the one who's already tried to do counselling with him and no doubt tried to work on it together with him countless times but it's not what he does. He sets rules, he hides in other rooms alone, he sulks. Ofs they need to TALK, but it's weird to say it as though somehow the OP has failed to try this.

Well, he's on the spectrum, so sometimes it will show up, in his case with these bouts of extreme rigidity. Since you say you want to try to keep your family together, maybe you could look for a therapist or support group that's specifically geared to couples with autism present.

You know he has rigid thinking so why would you do something that he has specifically asked you not to do. You chose to do something you knew would upset him, what did you expect?

You need to get divorced

I get the not wanting to split family up. I felt the same tho diff reasons. Ex is an alcoholic and I tried to support and keep marriage going for dd

but like you I didn’t reliese how much i trod on eggshells till I didn’t

I said no more when dd was 6 as he was constantly drinking and lying and looking back it was a lot of emotional mental abusive and she was scared /hated it when he drank/shouted etc

your situation is different but you have tried counselling and didn’t work. He has set ways - and can’t /wont change

life is too short to be with someone who makes you unhappy - esp your age

car wash obv didn’t damage car or he would have noticed at once and commented

washing car by hand twice in over 6mths is rubbish - if he feels that strongly about it he can wash monthly by hand but didn’t

only you can decide what to do - and it’s easy for people say leave - but I’ve been you - it’s not easy but I’m glad I did it and nearly 3yra in I’m much happier as is dd

and yes ex still drinks - far more than he did with me as no one to stop him now - and he drank a lot living with me so sure you can imagine the state he is in now

if you can’t do it for yourself - do it for your kids - they deserve a happy house hold @Brownhotwaterbottle

He’s not so ‘rigid’ about cleaning the car that he keeps on top of it without you having to do it yourself though, is he? I very much doubt he only asks ‘one thing’ of you. You’re entertaining the kids and cleaning the car and driving the car because he’s been on the booze and also dealing with his arsehole parents and his emotional vampirism and manipulation when you make a perfectly sensible executive decision about something he should have done but failed to. That’s a lot more than one thing.

I’ve said this on these boards before but I’ll say it again. As a neurodiverse woman I am so heartily sick of neurodiversity being used as an excuse for male bad behaviour.

Because the car was dirty and he wasn't cleaning it!

If you are going to have common household chores that can only be done by you then you need to bloody do them.

Yes, but sometimes we also have to acknowledge (and a lot of people struggle with this ) that a ND doesn’t preclude someone from also being an arsehole . Both can be true at once. You work with the neurodiversity, but the arseholery needs to be challenged.

Threatening to leave every time OP raises something in order to get her to back down is arseholery and emotional blackmail.

Of course ND people can take part in counselling. The whole point of it is to help people understand each other’s feelings and find healthy ways to express their own. ND people are capable of learning new things. But whether ND or not, if the person is unwilling or abusive then they won’t engage

In fairness to op, because he hadn't done his part to ACCOMMODATE his rigid thinking within the relationship.

I think it is fair enough if he has a phobia of car washes. We all have our quirks. But he needs to take responsibility for that and get it washed himself. By just making her put up with a muddy car, she is wearing the strain of his rigidity.

I think talking around HIM taking responsibility for his rigidity - albeit that this is a way of the relationship nonetheless accommodating it - is the way forward.

I have seen this with OCD. A friend is ocd about how food is prepared, what it has touched etc. But to accommodate that within her marriage, she has undertaken to do all the food prep.

Absolutely.
Sounds like OP is doing all the accommodating and understanding in this relationship
He would probably benefit from some counselling but if he's resistant, not a lot you can do. Seems like he thinks everyone else is the problem
Sympathies OP.

This is your quote where ive changed your use of the word rigid

I think for me it's triggered me back to 2021/2022 where he was so controlling about covid even way after the guidance was lifted. He was so controlling he didn't want me leaving the house with the kids. I remember him being abusive and freaking out at me because i ordered takeaway and he is controlling and he makes all the decisions and how dare i have my own mind and go against him as he thought that was too dangerous. He is so controlling and puts cameras up and watches me on these cameras i have no privacy and watched me on the ring doorbell and got angry as usual as thats his form of control i know when hes angry its my fault and because a delivery guy got too close. I had two young kids and felt so isolated because with control isolation is the first stage, He would never be violent or anything so its ok that hes abusive as he would never hit me , just the same as this, saying that I didn't care about him as he always has to be number one and i have to put him 1st before the kids and then he goes silent and i get scared and anxious and worried but its fine as the kids dont notice him abusing me and he doesnt abuse them, they are happy they dont notice that we all walk on eggshells or that he shouts at me, and i went to counselling and learned to break free of his rules so im ok really its normal to live this way he cant help it bless him