My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

I would be thinking about what would make your children's lives happier.

This is controlling behaviour - him watching you then getting angry.

Does he ever apologise for these outbursts or is it always you who backs down?

You did something you promised him you wouldn’t do. I can see why he’s upset. No his reaction isn’t great but you aren’t blameless here.

I'm with you on getting the car washed! He demands it's washed in a certain way and then won't wash it! So you get it sorted. Car washes might not be ideal but they can't be so bad or they wouldn't be so successful.
I've had to do the same - disabled so can't clean the car. DH doesn't do it, gets stroppy if asked. He and children make the mess. So I now take it to be cleaned whenever it gets too disgusting.
Yes he's got a diagnosis but that doesn't mean he can behave how he wants. Whilst there can be support and understanding, if he can't cope in a family set up and everyone is miserable, then there does need to be a rethink of living arrangements.
Consider whether his behaviour is abusive/controlling.
If he won't go to couples counselling, and your relationship isn't working, then it really seems you have to make the decision as to whether you can continue living with him or not. Is there anyway of him moving out for a period of time to give you both breathing space?

I don't think this is a case of "fault" OP.

His rigidity must be hard to live with, but equally he probably actually really struggles not to be so rigid; it's part of who he is.

I hear what you are saying about the children. I don't think you need to feel it is your "fault" but can you try to talk through the rigidity with him and find plans to head it off to make things easier for you? Sometimes rigid people actually respond quite well to those sorts of rules. EG: if you don't want the car to go through a car wash, you need to ensure you wash it every x days" etc. It makes space for his rigidity but puts the strain of it and those demands on him, not you.

Do you still remember what you loved about him?

It is time to have it out with him. ND or not he chose to have a relationship and bring children into this world so he has to learn to compromise. If he can't and his behaviour is impacting on you and then children then he needs to bugger off and live on his own. Nobody deserves to live like you do.

bring back the ha ha ha emoji !

The thing is, OP can't win, can she?

He doesn’t want the car put through the car-wash
He says he'll wash it himself
He doesn’t
His parents are 'judgy' and if the car is dirty they'll snipe about it. Would he step up and immediately tell his parents it was down to him because he hadn’t washed it, but anyway WHO CARES if the car is dirty and it’s not their car anyway? Hmmmm, I'm thinking probably not.
So OP puts the car through the car-wash as the quickest way out of the inevitable
He then throws a massive tantrum.

OP gets the blame whatever happens. It's no way to live.

It is very hard living with a partner with very rigid thinking. I have one too. I love him and our family but I also know life could be easier without him in some ways.

One thing that helps me is to accept that there are some things he CAN’T process and that he experiences overwhelm. So it’s not that he WON’T do certain things when I ask him to, it’s that he can’t. His thinking can’t flex so you have to make the case for things in a different way and avoid a right or wrong.

I’m also the same as you in that I do tend to ignore my DP sometimes because he sets so many rules but he finds that very triggering.

i’m glad your DH has a diagnosis. That means he has at least accepted that he is a certain way. I’ve not managed that. My DP still thinks he is right all the time and he just has to deal with all of us fools!!! He cannot understand that some things are just a subjective choice.

i have also learned to accept his moods as overwhelm which helps me. It’s not him punishing me with silent treatment - he is overwhelmed.

He struggles to understand his own feelings. We’re working at the moment at him recognising that his moods impact others. So if he’s being all withdrawn, saying “I’m fine” when asked doesn’t mean it’s not impacting others. It’s fine to have a bad mood sometimes, but you have to own it, try not to let it affect others and if it does, say sorry. He doesn’t understand. He firstly finds it hard to know he’s experiencing a bad mood, secondly that his mood is affecting others, and finally - and this is the biggest one - that he alone is responsible for that. It’s not our fault for being messy or late or loud…which may also be true sometimes. It’s his emotion and his mood. Very hard for him to understand.

It is bloody hard work I would say. And yes if anyone wonders…I also work on myself and my own ND.

my DP has agreed to do counselling because I framed it as “helping us to make decisions together since we often seem to have different ideas”.

sorry not a very well framed response but have kids running around so can’t type in peace!

Bullshit. He promised to wash the car so she doesn’t need to take it through the car wash. He didn’t, so she does need to. He broke promises first. ‘I wouldn’t have needed to if you had washed it like you promised, but you haven’t. Until you do that you don’t get to say anything about how I wash it.’

Get rid. You will realise that the rest of us don't tolerate abusers and live jolly, happy lives with people who have messy cars without fear or intimidation. You might be stuck with him for another 30 years. Fuck that.

Why? Who died and made you king? You can ask people not to do things to you. Or things you solely own. But when it comes to joint household decisions, joint kids, jointly owned items, you don't have a right to dictate anything.

Exactly it is abuse ,..i had a boyfriend years ago very autistic and abusive and i made excuses, i went to a conference as part of my job and met a women whos son was autistic and violent to her and she said why are you putting up with this just end it its not ok and stop making excuses saying its ok hes autistic, i did end it,

Do you really want to stay with someone who behaves like that

Have you read all the OP's comments about his behaviour and the marriage? And you really still think this about doing the one thing he asked her not to????

The people saying yeah but he asked you not to... yeah but he said he'd wash it and he didn't. And it isn't only his car anyway if she's driving it. But this is very clearly not about washing a car. He's controlling and abusive and checked out of the marriage. OP has tried to do counselling and he won't. There is no way to gender flip this either and say we'd all be supporting the OP if she was exhibiting all this arsehole behaviour. There is no defence for how he's treating his wife and kids. He says he wants to leave and it sounds like it would be a blessing. But ofc now she's in favour of that, he decides he'll stay to prolong the agony.

Sure, that would be the case if you held up your end of the deal and did the things you said you were going to do. If you don’t, tough titties.

Life’s too short to live with shit like this. Who cares if he’s ND? He doesn’t get to bully the household into falling in line with his stupid rules. The car needed a wash. He didn’t do it, so you sorted it. Instead of being thankful he has a clean car he’s behaving like a bully. You want to put up with this for the rest of your life because it gets worse.

Exactly. And sounds like he will get worse with age. No way to live a life.

Not speaking over washing or not washing a car is beyond ridiculous.
He won’t get better as he gets older OP, in fact whatever traits men have at middle aged are magnified at 60/70/80. I’d jump ship now if you can and live a peaceful life!

Just leave why would you stay and be abused thats being a martyr what are you teaching your kids, when you are old and he has died will you sit there saying oh yes im so glad i stayed or will you say oh wow look at the great life i had when i left him

I think this relationship has run its course. You can’t be expected to carry on living like this. 💐

Can ND take part in couples counselling as you are asking them to: Understand your point of view/feelings (difficult for ND) and compromise (difficult for ND) ?

He sounds like just another nobhead who now has a diagnosis to attempt to control you.

If he wants the car doing a certain way then he needs to fucking do it.

So tired of reading about controlling men sucking the life out of their own families. So glad that counselling taught you to stick up for you and your children.

Next step, get out of there and let yourself and your children breath. Do not make their world small because of him.

This isnt the 1950's you want HER to be polite to HIM after he has been abusive!!

Wrong thinking. I was you. I thought this. sunk cost fallacy. I was wrong. You would both be happier apart but parenting.

My ex was like this. I could not stand that level of rigidity. If he would have bent a tiny bit it would have been something but my soul was shrivelling away and yours will too. Take the kids into consideration, separate and try and remain friends.

Living this way is stultifying and awful.

Your DC will get used to there being one home they have to observe all the rules and yours is where they relax.