Ultimate Betrayal

She should have waited and got you in the photo at the birthday.

For the graduation I think she has to pick the best photo, representing the day.

You were very late. I think you should have had “clean” snacks like breadsticks, raisins, water. With children that age after a journey you have to give time out of the car and rushing so they are not upset. You can’t just arrive, park and expect them to smile, although you must know this.

I had assumed you were a female couple in your original post, it sounded as though it was written by a female because it’s usually women who appreciate family pictures etc more then men who would just see it as no big thing.
Your gender reversal doesn’t really change what I was going to say
Having that amount of young children under 5 meant that it was always going to be a major operation to be organised and up there in time, in hindsight if I had been you I would have travelled up the day before and stayed somewhere locally.
Through your support as a family your DH has been able to achieve this, so I totally understand why you wanted to be there and have a lovely photo.
It sounds like there is a bigger picture of thoughtlessness, not being invited away because they thought you wouldn’t get time off work etc and that needs to be addressed when you are feeling calmer because feeling on the outside of things is really hard.
You are really deep in the trenches at the moment of crazy childhood years, in awhile it won’t be so crazy and you may be able to look back and realise some things weren’t as bad as they seemed at the time.
I think the stress of the day and ending up with no smiling and happy picture of the day to make it all worth while is what seems like a kick in the teeth, some of our best pictures are when someone’s throwing a strop, another looking the wrong way and a dog photobombing. At the time you think they are awful but then down the line you can have abit of a chuckle about them!

Why didn't you just get out of bed earlier?

So maybe they should have smiled and looked straight ahead ...

It wasn't your dh's fault.

men and their insecurities eh

You are attaching far too much importance to a few photos. Hire a gown again and take a photo at home or get one of the photoshop experts on Facebook pages to switch the kids faces from another photo.

So what is underlying this is that you've had to make a lot of sacrifices and you are feeling under appreciated. That's understandable but graduation day was not the time to argue about it. Hopefully the degree will lead to a better paid job and more money for the family. Time to look at better contraception so you dont bring more children into a stressed environment. And if you are actually the woman time also to think about becoming less dependent on your husband. Get the kids of to school and nursery and get yourself a job so you have something more significant to obsess over.

Jesus..."ultimate betrayal"

I'm afraid it's unsettled me up to a point as immediately I thought the op was carrying on a like a certain variety of MN Daughter in law.

I am a DIL - I just hope and try not to be that variety.

Actually even at the "I am a man" bit I thought the reaction sounded like a DIL. So unpack that as you will ...

I think this resentment (complete with hyperbolic language, which hasn't done you any favours) indicates that you have a beef about an accumulation of what are individually minor incidents and your examples involve you being overlooked by the wider family (although on this occasion, they did nothing wrong)

Instead of festering on it, talk to your DH honestly about how you feel and try to find a way through, otherwise you're in for years of this, given the ages of your kids.

Way to go to ruin her special day. You sound controlling and a massive PITA to make this all about you when you are clearly in the wrong.

Why mention you paid for the gown and photos? And moan about one photo when you arrived late (for whatever excuse)? You then had the audacity to argue about it with her instead of profusely apologizing for being late.

I hope she sees your true colours and make some positive changes in her life asap that don't include you.

Reasonable effort, first day I'm guessing. I'll be honest I'd only give this a 5/10. Try to be more realistic.

“Ultimate betrayal”??! Your wife takes a few photos with her family?! I think you need to stop making this about you, apologise to her and tell her how proud you are and buy her one of the nice pics with her family. Surely you knew the kids would need food by the time you got there, did you not have snacks? Do you not get the kids out yourself very often?

Get over yourself, this is not a betrayal. She obviously wants the best photo of her graduation. It's her achievement, not a family thing. You should have got yourself better organised with the timing of your journey.

Ultimate betrayal? It’s just a photo.

This still shows a huge lack of planning on your part - pack the bags the night before and realise that the university town will be heaving for graduation so all the car parks will be full.

Also - you are only thinking about the photo you paid for, intended for your family, but there were lots of other people in the family photos too. Maybe her parents also wanted to buy a photo for themselves featuring them with their daughter on her graduation day?

Hold on, you missed your wife’s graduation and official photos because you left the house a hour late and didn’t pre-book parking, and it’s her fault?

I think you need a dictionary to look up the definition ultimate

Probably realised that you would inevitably fuck it up for her/him because it's an event that's all about her/him and not you.

You are married, yet there’s a lot of “I PAID” here. If my DH was treating me like this I would be paying, for a divorce lawyer.
You sound incredibly hard work and resentful.
Re the party photos, maybe your wife didn’t think it was the enormous problem that you seem to think it is. Re the wedding, could you get the time off ? If the sister assumed you couldn’t go, was she right ? Perhaps your wife’s family don’t like you, and maybe all this drama of “ultimate betrayal” is the reason.
With four children, snacks and drinks should have been packed and ready in the car the night before. Im sure it’s hellish in the mornings so you do everything you can in advance. Parking is obviously going to be tricky if a lot of people are graduating, so you did need to leave much earlier.
Re the time slot , Dd had a slot at just this time and she hadn’t left it late, the slots just go incredibly quickly and sometimes there isn’t a choice. You want to blame your wife, your wife who has birthed FOUR children in five years while also doing a degree, for every tiny thing you don’t like. Carry on like this and you won’t have a marriage at all.
Like everyone else I am utterly baffled at why you think your wife having photos with her family is The Ultimate Betrayal. It’s beyond ridiculous, and this sort of overblown me me me drama must be dismal to live with.

If this is your idea of being "stabbed in the heart" etc. and "ultimate betrayal", I hate to think how you would cope with a real problem.