Confused nanny

Don't be led by MN. Not everyone hates their ILs or finds visits from them a burden. Some people actually enjoy spending time with their ILs and want to build close and strong relationships.

You sound like your aware but also I think maybe overthinking a bit.
Message her and arrange a time that's suitable for you both. They will be trying to get into a routine too. If the time you drop stuff by isn't too late or in the middle of bedtime why not ask if you can pop in and ask if they want a particular meal or something bringing? Ask DIL if you can help hold the baby and look after GSC in their house while she gets a nap or a shower.

I would have had zero issue with any of the above from my MIL. Unfortunately when she visited she refused to make even a cup of tea, complained loudly that she didn't like what I had made food wise with a 4 week old baby and would try to pick DS1 up whilst he was sleeping.

Offer to help practically not visit basically.

Truthfully I have read enough threads telling DILs it is the son’s responsibility to ensure he is there.

Ok.

I wonder if you've misunderstood because, whilst I've seen some threads from mothers in law blaming their daughter in law that she doesn't sees the child etc and people pointing out that she should speak to/blame her son, I've not seen any that say its solely the son's responsibility, that the son should always be there or that she can't visit without the son being there. Because thats not how it works in reality.

Do any of you actually communicate properly with each other? I genuinely think this is a miscommunication issue. There are a lot of assumptions being made. You are making assumptions about them and even on this thread people are making assumptions because there is a lack of clarity around what you are saying about. Eg you've explained why you buy nappies every week, do they know that is the reason? Have they asked for this? Or does it just feel like the right thing to do for you?

Were you give a reason for just leaving the nappies etc on the doorstep? Did you ask or just assume its because she doesn't like you?

I asked them what did they want for baby coming they sent pictures. I went with that road.

It's possible they find the nappies thing quite odd. We're they suggesting a gift of a box of nappies as a one off new baby gift and you've decided that its now your weekly responsibility?

Text the DIL to see if see needs any bits picking up or ofere to take the baby for an hour so she can have a bath, practical things. The relationship will come

I would also stop with the leaving the formula and nappies on the doorstep. You're not an Amazon delivery driver. They either get these items themselves or they're gracious enough to invite you in. Expecting you to get these items for your grandchild but not allow you in to see said grandchild is really rude.

With that in mind, I do think you're overthinking things. You've known your DIL for 7 years. She's not a stranger. Just text her and suggest going over one evening after work or at a weekend.

When would it suit you to go round and visit? If you’re at work all week wouldn’t it be easier to try and see them at the weekend?

This.

My exh had an affair. My mil was My greatest support when we split up and came to my dad's funeral with me two weeks after he and I split up because she understood why I didn't want him there but didn't want me to be alone.

We've lost contact over the years for various reasons but I had a long chat with her on the phone a few weeks ago. It was genuinely lovely to speak to her.

OP, don't use threads re dysfunctional relationships between mil and dil as a blueprint for your own. You and your dil are not playing scripted characters. You are your own people amd you build your own relationship.

Expecting you to get these items for your grandchild but not allow you in to see said grandchild is really rude

I don't know if they do expect it. It was on their list of new baby gift suggestions from the sounds of it. The OP continues to do it for her own reasons. She hasn't actually said they expect a weekly delivery. Unless I've completely.missed it!

I think you’re overthinking this. Sounds like you’ve always got on very well with your DiL and she’d probably be glad to hear from/see you.

My exMiL and her mother popped round once a week. Sometimes I’d stay in and see them, sometimes they’d watch DS while I nipped to the supermarket and did the big shop.

They weren’t my favourite people but I never minded them coming. ExP worked a million hours a week, they’d never have seen DS if they waited for him.

Thats unfair. At no point has OP suggested she doesn't see her DiL as a person (what 'whole ass' adds to that I don't know). She is clearly trying to do the right thing by her DiL and not impose. Which is surely perfect MiL behaviour? Honestly mothers of adult married sons can't do right for some. What is that about?

Why can’t you start my just going when your son is there? Speak to them when would be convenient. At least once a week drop in at the weekend sounds reasonable. But them asking you to put stuff on the door step is rude - they could definitely invite you in for a cup of tea and a cuddle. Once he’s older offer to have baby for small amounts of time so DIL or the couple can do things

How old are they? The dropping the nappies and milk off at the door makes them round quite young and not particularly established. The DIL surely should be grateful for the support. I’d message her as suggested above.

Ask her if she wants a bit of free time, go shopping, lunch with a friend, while you sit in with the little ones?

That's very rude of your DIL. Like you are an amazon delivery person!

However, i think if you and DIL never met up independently of your DS before the baby it will take a while to get used to each other. Maybe she doesn't want you dropping unannounced with the nappies in case she's asleep, feeding the baby etc, not that she doesn't like you. Could you ask your son, say you would like to see a but more of your grandchild and you might text DIL to organise a time?

Are you in Dublin? In my experience culturally Ireland is very different to MN land. I definitely think you should have a chat with your DIL and come to an agreement about what works for you both. I loved my MIL dearly and saw her plenty on my own with kids.

Ignore threads on here, there’s odd folk out there. Text her and say you would love to see baby, offer to bring anything she needs or just fancies, ask if she needs help with anything and reassure her that if she needs anything she can text or call you. Not every day but once a week to offer isn’t overkill but accept no too

Are you local? If so as the dil I'd be angry that you'd only seen DGC 4 times - my parents saw more of my DC than that and they lived 200 miles away!

It's acceptable to have a relationship with dil outside the one with your ds. Drop her a message, ask how she is, LIGHTLY mention you haven't wanted to overstep but remember how tricky this period is, and if she fancies some company this week. Take over some lunch or snacks and ask her what jobs you can do whilst you're there.

I was really struggling at 10 weeks and my mil not being involved seriously impacted our relationship - it never recovered and in the end we only really saw her at family events. Such a shame.