Confused nanny

Why can’t you just be direct? “Hi DIL. I’m really excited to be involved with X. Son has told me to just drop whenever but obviously I don’t want to impose on you. When would be good to visit?”

And then when you’re there, you can have a chat. Say you want to be as involved as possible, but you don’t know what her schedule is like. Ask if once a week/fortnight/month works for her. Mention that when baby is older, you’d be happy to babysit to give her an afternoon off, date night etc.

This is weird, did they ask for the nappies and formula. Obviously nice to contribute if you can but buying nappies and formula on a weekly basis and not even being allowed in the house is strange. These are the main basis you need and quantities needed changes/sizes required change so something the main care givers should be on top of.

I don’t live near my IL’s but would be happy to see MIL once a week without DH, especially if I was asked when was good and you were kind and polite and showed an interest in me. Bonus points if you make the tea or brings some biscuits!

Just ask ‘Hi Sally, will drop the nappies off tomorrow. Are you and GC free for me to pop in for a visit? I’m around all morning. Let me know I’d love to see you.’

id actually venture to say you run the risk of causing issues if you seem uninterested. Offer, be available, show an interest

But your navigation isn't including your DIL, is it? You're making assumptions that she doesn't like you and doesn't want to see you and yet you have no idea if that's true or not.

Your son says otherwise

Why don't you communicate with her?

I would absolutely follow this advice too @DublinFemale ☺️

Try your best to arrange things with her directly rather than just through your DS. I personally hate when family members just drop in unannounced so I’d avoid that incase she does too. But send her a text and say you’d love to pop in and spend some time with her and the kids and ask if there’s a time that suits her that week ☺️

My MIL and I didn’t spend any time together at all before DH and I had kids (despite us being together for 10 years before having DS 😅) - that was her choice. She definitely kept me at arms length. So admittedly it was a bit awkward when she suddenly wanted to come round when DS was born. We actually started off by her coming along to a local baby playgroup type thing with me a couple of times. It felt like less pressure if we were out together with something to do rather than just being in the house with her asking me loads of questions lol

Nanny is also a name for a grandparent. She isn’t a paid nanny.

Also 4 times in 10 weeks isn’t a lot! You sound like the nightmare DIL she is frightened of.

You sound very kind and thoughtful. I think it’s awful that you are expected to leave the nappies and formula on the doorstep. This isn’t how you should treat family.

How incredibly rude of you.

I have clearly explained about the nanny thing, which you clearly didn’t bother to read before deciding to attack me.

I’m not a grandma and my children are young adults, not married.

When I had babies my parents came roughly every two months and my ILs maybe every three/four months. They would stay over. That was normal among all my friends. Many saw them much less as they lived abroad.

There is no law or "correct" way of how things are done. There's a lot of people on MN who have strained relationships with their MIL or quite rigid criteria on how things should be "done".

I saw my MIL about once a week on my maternity leave and just contacted her myself. There really wasn't any drama to it. I didn't need my husband there or my husband to text her!

Also sad you have to leave nappies and formula on the step. I’d stop buying them, as it isn’t appreciated.

Just phone or text to see if she’s available, don’t take those any more though.
They are cheeky and rather rude

I think this is normal for some families, I don't have children but I have 2 nephews. The eldest and my sister lived with my parents (his grandparents) until he was 2.5 so obviously they saw him every day, but I see both of them still almost every single day and they are almost 9 and 3. And I'm the auntie! Couldn't imagine only seeing them 4 times in 10 weeks, that would break my heart.

@DublinFemale
Difficult situation for you, are you doing enough or not, will you be in the way, will they think you're sticking your oar in where it's not wanted?

Asking you to leave stuff on the doorstep indicates there's more of an issue than new mother exhaustion, I'll bet DIL's DM doesn't have to do that.

Personally I'd be working on building a relationship with DIL.

Could you not text her along the lines of:
"Hi X
Just sat here thinking about you and remembering how exhausting having a new baby is. I'm trying to be mindful of not overstepping but is there anything I can do to to help? I've been conscious of giving your new family dynamics space to settle into a routine but I'm also conscious of not becoming a nuisance when you have your hands full. If there's anything I can do to lighten your load please let me know"

Maybe next time you are due to pop nappies and formula maybe send a text saying “I’m going to drop these on x day at around y time, would be lovely to see you if you aren’t busy” and await a response.

You say you work full time, are your hours therefore roughly the same working hours as your son’s? Maybe you could offer to pop in & cook dinner & stay for an hour after dinner once a week.

It does not look good with them expecting you to be a delivery person for nappies and formula. Asking you to leave it at the door without coming in contradicting what your son said about visiting whenever you want. They want things from you without spending time with you.

It's best to understand your relationships with others eith lived experience with your specific family members, not via people disgruntled enough with their family dynamic to post on mumsnet. Of course don't be pushy and don't act entitled, the usual, but you've gone too far the other way. Don't take your cues from strangers online who habe had ousht mil, just message your DIL.

Sounds like you haven’t put enough effort into building a relationship with your DIL. My MIL was like this - it meant we had to make a huge fuss of her to get her to visit her GC because dhe made a big thing of not being “too much” and leaving it to her son (who she knew would never organise it). Made me feel a bit of an outsider which was probably what she wanted. I don’t communicate with her at all now the kids are teenagers and able to get on a train to visit her (sadly, they never do because she never speaks to them despite having their mobile numbers etc).

Why are they going to her parents every weekend? Have you asked them to come to your house one weekend instead? If not, do that and ask what times would suit them.

Re visiting, I’d go for roughly weekly. I’d always give advance notice (the day before would be good as plans change) and, if possible, a second option. I’d ask what would be a useful time to come over, eg would DIL want you there in the afternoon so she could nap, etc. Keep the visit short and leave early if you pick up on any vibes suggesting DIL wants you to.

Is there a reason you simply won’t communicate with her? There is lots of advice here on how to start that conversation to see baby and DIL more but you don’t seem to have addressed why you won’t do that

You work full time. They go to her parents every weekend so when are you meant to see dil and pop in ?

Nothing wrong in living on an estate, Buckingham Palace is on an Estate. Palace is a multiple occupancy building just like tower blocks!! Always an upside to life

Eh? What has she done to make you think she doesn’t like you?
Why are you basing what you do or don’t do on what you’ve read on MN? Talk to them. Ask them what would be helpful/discuss what would suit you all.

I love my MIL and was always happy to see her. Offer to take baby in the pram for an hour so she can get a bath x

If the other Grandparents can see the baby every weekend then there is no reason you can't. Invite them over.