Confused nanny

Why can’t you just be direct? “Hi DIL. I’m really excited to be involved with X. Son has told me to just drop whenever but obviously I don’t want to impose on you. When would be good to visit?”

And then when you’re there, you can have a chat. Say you want to be as involved as possible, but you don’t know what her schedule is like. Ask if once a week/fortnight/month works for her. Mention that when baby is older, you’d be happy to babysit to give her an afternoon off, date night etc.

I'd whatsapp DIL every week/fortnight and ask if you can pop over with nappies etc to see baby/child AND DIL

Or ask if DIL and children would like to come over to you every week for tea

If she keeps saying no, or she says no and leave nappies on doorstep, then have a chat with son and work something out

I think your assumption that you mustn't interfere or be a nuisance and therefore expecting DIL to include you.....is not working for you in this situation

What has your son’s council house upbringing got to do with your relationship with your grandchild? Don’t be a martyr and just work on building relationships with everyone.

How you’ve gone from “I buy them essential supplies and, to begin with, I left these on the doorstep” to “this means she doesn’t like me” is beyond me. no matter how hard I squint and contort, I cannot see the relationship between these two statements…

How did you purchasing the nappies and formula come about?

How was it communicated to you that you were to drop them like a delivery driver and leave?

I feel like we’re missing some backstory here, as we’re possibly in CF territory.

Sorry just seen the dropping of nappies and formula - that is terrible. Don’t bother offering practical help if this is how you are being treated.

Make it an offer of help - go
round bring snacks take baby off dill off that if what she wants or if more helpful hello with laundry or washing up or make sure you are kind to dil not just playing with the baby.

It sounds like your DS is being a bit of a git to you (and his wife). He goes with his wife and DC to her parents every weekend, asks you for a regular supply of nappies and formula, doesn't make any arrangements to come and see you and just tells you to drop in unannounced on his wife (who isn't super keen on you dropping in even when you have stuff they want with you).

People say it's the son's job to connect with his parents because they are sick of men dropping the rope when it comes to emotional labour and your DS has done that, hasn't he?

While I'd kind of like you to knock a bit of sense into your DS, that's probably unrealistic. I would call DiL, tell her what DS has said about just dropping in and tell her you are concerned it would be a bit intrusive, so how keen is she on you just coming round while DS isn't there? If she ums and errs a bit, tell her it's fine, you thought it might feel awkward, so how about they all come to you for Sunday lunch next week (if she says they're seeing her parents then suggest the next and if that's still knocked back ask when would be good). You could also suggest your DS bring the baby to see you one evening or on a Saturday morning or something to give DiL a break once she's at a point where she's happy for the baby to be away from her.

This sounds great

Instead of just asking if you can visit, your DIL would probably really appreciate it if you ask what you can do to help - whether that's cooking a meal, doing laundry, cleaning, taking baby for a walk so mum can have a nap etc - if you send a really nice, supportive message that makes it clear that you want to help, she'll probably be very grateful.

Could you text and say you have the nappies and formula, and ask when is a good time to pop in with them. As in, you'll be bringing them inside and seeing your GC while you're there.

I would never have had the hide to tell my mil (or anyone else) that they can leave their goods at the door and can't see the baby. Thanks for the cash, basically. I'd find that rude.

What the fuck! She's taking the piss! I can't imagine treating my Mil like this!

No harm, but this is MN, you get extremes

And most of the - refer to son - responses are when there is a perceived problem between MIL and DIL

And this is a very very condensed window of real life

Build your relationship with your DIL, let her be the one that guides you

Oh for gods sake @DublinFemale, stop being such a martyr. She’s just had a baby… she’s probably absolutely knackered.

Don’t make this all about you. Drop her a text, tell her you’d love to see her and the baby and ask her what works for her!

I sat down with my daughter-in-law when they had children and told her I wanted to have a great relationship with them all, which meant it would really help if they told me what they wanted and needed. I was happy to pop by and help at any time or to give them some space. I remembered how difficult it was when mine were young and our parents were squabbling over equal shares etc. and I didn't want to inflict that on the next generation.

I also made it clear that I had a full and active life and wouldn't be in the slightest hurt if there were times where they just needed a bit of space. But I would prioritise them where I could because I love them both, and I love their children.

I also had a separate talk with my daughter-in-law about what she did and didn't see as overstepping while I was in their house. I told her I was happy to do laundry and general cleaning if it would help, but it would never be to make a point because I felt that any mother of small children who was still standing at the end of the day deserved a medal. My own house was a bomb site when my children was small, and I felt so much pressure from my parents and in-laws to keep it tidy, even if it meant sticking my children in front of a TV to do so, which I didn't want to do.

It felt like a really productive discussion for us all to have, and I make a point of of regular check-ins, particularly with my daughter-in-law, with whom I get on with really well, to make sure nothing has changed. I also make sure to message her regularly to tell her what a fantastic job I think they're both doing and how lucky I feel that my grandchildren are in such good hands. I would have very much appreciated hearing that occasionally from our own parents.

You can never go wrong by establishing and maintaining good, clear lines of communication and leaving your ego at the door. Most of us can remember how difficult it was to be the parents of small children and how important it is to support our own children as they go through that stage of life.

You can’t live your life by mumsnet gospel. Good that you are aware of some things but it doesn’t mean you should stay away just because. Talk to your DIL openly and ask her what she prefers and if it’s better that you just arrange with her.

Op no hard and set rules espeically on the advice you read here.
Call or text the mum to ask of you can pop on for a visit...does she need help or anything?
When of what time suits etc
The past is the past and a low income family usually installs a strong family or work ethic...well has some.
This is a new generation you can only try make a nice healthy relationship betweeb gc and her mum.
I really like extended family imput.
No rules apply to trying to be a grandparent.. best gift ever.

I had to read that a couple of times. I think she means her son has told her she doesn't need an invite but she feels she can't just show up.

4 times in 10weeks is nothing unless youre talking hours of journey times

there is an arrangement where I get nappies and formula every week and drop them up. I was asked at start to leave them at the doorstep which I respect.

I wouldn't have.
I'm not the Amazon deliver person or Just Eat.
That's shocking.

I agree with most that you should just message and ask when you can pop in for an hour.
Although now you've said you work full time, it is a bit different from what most people were thinking. However, if you work FT, then presumably when you are able to go, it is likely to be when your ds is home anyway ?

Really? You’ve read multiple threads where MIL has good relationship with DIl and doesn’t just turn up expecting to be entertained and waited on and people have insisted the DH needs to be there? I can’t recall ever seeing that.

If you’ve got a good relationship and you’re going to go round and bring her something she needs/wants or offer help that she needs/wants or at least not be expecting to be waited on like an honoured guest, then just get in touch and ask when would be best,

I doubt it’s that she doesn’t like you. It would just be that she’s in the middle of a very chaotic stage. Trying to sort out naps, keep the house in basic order, and manage her own sleep deprivation.

I’d be trying to visit on the weekends as much as possible when your son is home. It will get easier and there will be more flexibility as the baby gets older.

Er no. Four times in ten weeks is hardly anytime at all, if you live fairly close to them. People just turn up around here, nothing odd about it.

Four times in 10 weeks is plenty.