AIBU to be cross at my in-laws snub at my child’s 18th?

I think it's weird not invite family for a small get together at a 18th birthday. It's doesn't have to be big.

You signal it isn't an important day. Don't expect other people to think it is.

Just match their energy and send a card from now on. Why on earth did you spend 400 pounds on SIL? Madness! If you're in the dog house, so what? It doesn't sound like you have a close relationship with them anyway!

Personally I’m with you on this and exactly as you say, I’d be done with them and it would be cards only from now on. That your husband can organise as it’s his family.

How bothered was your DC that they didn't really acknowledge their 18th?

If they were not bothered, then I wouldn't let it bother me too much. I might silently seethe about it a bit, have a rant at DH and would just leave it at that.

They can moan all they want about them not being responsive to texts etc but, like you say, this is what teens are like. So they either accept that or not and if they start overstepping where DC is concerned then get involved and stick up for your DC, firmly but without being harsh or offensive.

But sometimes its a matter of 'pick your battles' and this may be one of those times.

I've spent loads in the past on family members birthdays or gone out of my way to help in anyway I can but in the last couple of years I started matching energy and its been great. I'll spend my time and money on the people who actually care and do the same for me

Neither you or your child wanted much of a fuss by the sounds of it so they responded to this by not making much of a fuss.

You say you've all been too busy to see them, talk to them or make plans etc so surely it's a bit of a moot point to say they should have called as it's unlikely the teen would have been free to go to what ever they wanted to arrange?

So the 18 year old makes almost no effort with them but you expect a lot of fuss for their birthday? Sounds 50/50 to me. Definitely not worth stirring up bad feeling over. Don't make life more complicated and fractious than it already is, just forget about it and move on.

Too busy to invite for an 18th birthday?

If it isn't important for you to invite your close family over for a small celebration don't expect it to be important for them.

Because you have done that call don't expect others to do the same. It would be nice. You went away and had a nice time - fine. But you have also chosen to do nothing with your child's close family. Your signal was it's not important to celebrate with them.

I totally agree that it's quite normal for 18 to not to give their grandparents much attention unless they have developed a special bond. However, it's also totally normal for grandparents not to make a big fuss for their birthday.

It sounds like you are quick to excuse your son for not prioritising his grandparents and aunt but want to condemn you in laws for not making a big fuss of him.

I think they responded in accordance with how he treats them. No malice but not a priority in their life.

Just respond likewise next birthday, anniversary or any other occasion. They have set new boundaries so keep to them. Don't say anything or get into any discussion.

They possibly could say they assumed as nothing was organised and your family unit decided to go away, not plan any small celebration, they respected that.

Are your children bothered? Personally I'd leave them to it and see them as little as possible but I have no tolerance for that type of behaviour
Certainly stop spending a lot of money on adults who act like toddlers

Again though, how bothered are your kids by it? If they are not bothered by the things they do then why should you be?

With families I do think sometimes its a case of pick your battles. Rise above it. And definitely match their energy going forwards. No more spending stupid money on big Birthdays and things like that if they are not going to.

My PIL can be a bit like this also. My DH and I moan about them but just rise above it all and don't let it bother us. We just keep ourselves separate from any bullshit and nonsense and mostly laugh behind closed door at how ridiculous they can be at times.

You didn't invited them to celebrate the day with your family - so who asked for the bollocks?

It’s a tricky age. I suspect they haven’t put much effort in because DC is at an age where families aren’t cool, and act like relatives aren’t important. I have a DN who would never say thank you for birthday/Christmas presents, and never even bothered to send a text on anyone else’s birthday. Once she became an adult I stopped bothering.

Teenagers are selfish and wrapped up in themselves but we shouldn’t reward bad behaviour. Your DC is old enough to understand that if they can’t be arsed putting effort in for others, they’re going to find that people will match their energy.

I wouldn’t say anything but just match their energy in the future. A card and maybe small gift.

As they are just your in laws rather than your own parents and siblings you can just stop and your dh can decide whether he wants to spend £400 on his sister’s birthday next time.

I think if your eighteen year old is bothered then you can tell them that they need to invest a bit more in the relationship with their grandparents and aunt.

Everyone is busy but I really think that one of you, your husband, should have said ‘we are having a dinner for Jon’s eighteenth on Sunday, come at two if you can’. Your nuclear family have glossed over the birthday so the extended family have followed the example.

Completely agree with @zebrastripesarefun . If the ILs kick off about a lack of interest/spending on their milestones in future, refer them back to their efforts with your eldest's 18th and leave it to DH to deal with if needs be. My MIL did this kind of shit with our DC (and us to be fair), she now gets the relationship with them (and us) that she deserves. Just to say that it's very perfunctory.

My DS didn’t want anything for his 18th and 20th, he celebrated with his GF and friends at Uni. DD didn’t want anything either, she wanted the money instead. I find celebrating these big birthdays and wedding anniversaries a bit old fashioned now. Perhaps that’s because we don’t do it.
And get your DH to send cards/pressies to his family, it’s not your job.

Again why should other people pay attention if you can't even be bothered to invite for a get together and have a cake. "Just want the money"...

Is it really that old fashion to see your family nowadays?

I wouldn’t give this a second thought.

I spent years getting annoyed on behalf of my DC, then decided to match the indifference. Now my DC are adults, and, despite me making excuses when they were younger, they were obviously aware, and now aren't that bothered about those members of the family. And I don't give a shit about it.

Which is fair bit OP didn't give a shit about inviting this part of the family to celebrate the 18th birthday. She was too busy.

You were too busy to invite the inlaws to celebrate? Sorry this is 50:50. Youe 18 year old makes zero effort, you havnt organised any form of celebration - even a cuppa and cake.
So yabu