AIBU to be cross at my in-laws snub at my child’s 18th?

what took you so long?

I think you are at fault here. You sound petty and stroppy and like your children can do no wrong. They should be making an effort with grandparents. Of course teens are selfish - it's your job as a parent to remind them to do the right thing. Their expectation for their extended family to go all out on their birthday when they make no effort with them and made no effort to include them in a birthday celebration is very entitled - this is what you should be focusing on. Maybe it can be a lesson for them?

That's your issue that you have allowed them to think like that.

I simply cannot understand how someone makes another person pay for something that they didn't want to.

Do they wrestle your card or money from you?
Or is your husband volunteering to pay?

Yes whenever an Op says they’ve basically been forced to pay I always think… how? I mean seriously how have you been forced to pay?

Weird the Op doesn’t tell us what’s happened on all 17 birthdays before now for her DS

I’d just drop the rope with them tbh. I’m sure now DS is 18, he isn’t bothered, especially as they haven’t exactly been present and involved throughout childhood.
leave your DH to arrange stuff if he wants to.

Consider you options and possible outcomes.

1. do nothing and carry on as normal - clearly isn’t possible as you’re writing on here so unlikely to shrug it off without a second though.

which leaves you with….

1. say nothing but stop bothering with them. Outcome here is distanced and strained relations with resentment on both sides
2. say something. They may suprise you and apologise or they get arsey. The outcome here can’t be worse than option one and IF they ignore you, are you bothered anyway given you’d have a strained relationship by not bothering anyway?

I would speak up. If IL’s can’t be bothered by your kids 18th, call them out on it.

This!!
Also you said "I have 30 years of witnessing this type of behaviour. They have always been like this with me, but I didn't really care."

So you know what they are like. I agree that it is really frustrating to be around people who expect you to pull out all the stops for them, but don't give two hoots when its your turn. Its even more frustrating when they do this to a child on their milestone (well child turning adult)

However, this is where you start matching their energy as other pps have said. You now have the perfect excuse to hang up your shopping bag and spend the money on your DC instead. (Maybe give him an extra treat now, in anticipation of the new regime )

I had similar when DC turned 18 and especially 21 with my own family. Up until then DC was very important, especially to grandparents. DC got put in the same category as me sadly, I’m not important and never was.

so since then my parents are LC my siblings are NC in last couple of years but there were years in between. DCs 30th accordingly to my mum doesn’t count as a big Birthday, my 40th and 50th didn’t count either.

so I assume they are doing similar I’m afraid if you are already treated differently. As your children grow up they stop prioritising them. My DC now in 30s used to stay with GPS all the time. Got to 18 has never had an invite since. Very sad and upsetting.

They’ve done you a favour then. The next time the tearful manipulation starts, you turn it around about the resentment over your DC’s 18th after years of you making a special effort and what can they say to that if you get to be the offended party? Personally I wouldn’t give in to any of that stuff, let them get upset about whatever they feel they are entitled to!

So they would expect you to pay for their meal out for your child's 18th, but also to pay for theirs on their birthday? Do they think you earn loads more than you do? Sounds like you and your husband need a strategy for the payment situations. How has it happened in the past?

Nowadays, I just match people's energy levels. I barely raise any issues with people (maybe in passing) but then leave them to it. I don't close any doors but I also don't stand there, inconveniencing myself, holding them open either.

Now sounds like a good time to start giving as good as you get, which is minimally. You were the last to give big and get small, so be prepared to stand by not giving big again - and also be prepared to be left out of their big things for each other.

I was equally pissed of when my BIL and partner didn't even send a card for my sons 21st. I was fuming and completely changed my view of them.

Keep them at arms length now and certainly don't go out of my way.

This is what you have to do for your own peace of mind.

And what had they done for the 20 birthdays before then?

It’s been 30 years, time to stop pandering to them. Just make zero effort going forward and if they want to exclude you and dc it’s a win win situation.

You cannot change. They sound like mine. Always a mother and daughter duo... leave them to their sad existence.

Are you saying that both 18 and 21 are ‘big’ birthdays and extended family should go all out for both? Bit grabby!

My DS has just turned 18 and hasn't received anything from his paternal grandparents, not even a card or text. Whereas my Dad, who lives abroad, did manage to send a card and I know he'll give him a gift when he next sees him.

Tbf, they're in their mid-80's and FIL is starting to experience cognitive decline.

But they've never made much effort with their grandchildren, so I suppose this is just the latest example. Don't fret about it @ABitMiffedOverThis, they are who they are - but equally don't make a big effort next time they expect you to.

I know that DH is disappointed in them but he won't say anything. He always remembers their birthdays... but then again, I think he's their only adult child who does!

Let DH deal with his parents.

Do your children have form for not thanking them for previous gifts?

@ABitMiffedOverThis Look at it this way - your DC no longer has to conform to whatever batshit crap comes their way from "The Familee" 🙄
It's freeing. Rejoice in it. Be happy for them.

Maybe join in..?

And get MIL a voucher for Ann Summers for Christmas!
😇

Shame there wasn't a poll, but fair play to you for admitting YABU.

If you and your dh cba to organise something to mark your child's 18th birthday with their extended family, you can't be cross that same extended family didn't go over the top in the amount of money they sent.

So grandparents and aunties only make an effort if they’re invited to a party? I’m so glad I got unconditional love from my grandparents and weren’t punished when I was a teenager. You shouldn’t give less or more to a grandchild depending on what they’re giving you, my mum doesn’t see one grandchild as much as another but loves and treats them the same

Wow! Do people actually do things like this with teenage grandchildren? Do parents not get their child a present if they decide to spend their birthdays with a friend? I find this view awful and if my parent or grandparent had punished me like this as a teenager I wouldn’t be as close to them as I am now

Do you only buy for your child if they’re invited spend the day with you? Not everyone enjoys party’s or a big fuss, I would never spend less on my child for that reason