Page 10 | AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

OneGreatFawn · 2026-09-25T17:46:58+00:00

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married earlier this year. He turned 50 a couple of weeks ago and I’m 40.I was previously married. My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave. I had always thought he might change his mind after a few more years, but eventually I realised I couldn’t keep waiting for that. My current husband has three children with his ex wife. They had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I’ve met his children and thankfully we get on really well. His eldest has just started university and she actually asked if I would come with them when they dropped her off. I decided not to because I felt that was something special for her and her parents and I didn’t want to get in between them. Her mum was quite upset at this request but I was never going to go with them anyway. She has bee at university for a week or so and has texted me every single day, we get on quite well and she asks me for advice on things sometimes I tell her to maybe speak to her mum about it etc. I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ? His ex wife has never particularly liked me. I’ve never really known why as they had been divorced for a few years before my husband and I even met. I’ve always been polite and have never tried to interfere with their relationship as parents. The children seem to like me, which perhaps doesn't help, but I honestly don't know. Anyway we found out I was pregnant in July. We kept it to ourselves for a while and have now told his children. They are all really excited about having a younger sibling which has been lovely. My husband told his ex wife before the children knew so that she wouldn't have to find out from them. Her reaction wasn't great. A few days later she sent him a message and the general gist was that she was fine with him remarrying but him having another child was "a punch in the face' I can understand that it must be difficult for her. She didn't want their marriage to end and my husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I can imagine that seeing him married to someone else and now having another baby could bring up feelings she thought she'd dealt with.But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? They've been divorced for years, he's been with me for four years and we're now married and expecting a baby. He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce. Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.I don't want any of this to spill over onto the children and I certainly don't want them feeling guilty for being excited about their new sibling. AIBU to think that while her feelings are understandable, she needs to accept that my husband has moved on and is entitled to have another family? Or am I being completely insensitive here?

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 12:16

MostLikelyTo · Yesterday 00:33

This is very similar to a situation I know of at the moment, even down to the ages of those involved. In the case I know of though, the woman split with her husband because he wanted to move to another country and she didn’t want to. She is also 40 and met a man 10 years older who had 3 children the same ages. The older two have told their mum they’re not overly happy with the baby news but don’t want to upset their dad. I think that would be a normal reaction from teen kids so I wouldn’t be surprised if in OPs case, they’re telling their mum a different story and she’s worried about them.

Edited

Maybe its a common situation I don't know but the ages of children on here are changed since its a public forum

OP posts:

SmokyMountainRain · Yesterday 12:19

MostLikelyTo · Yesterday 00:33

This is very similar to a situation I know of at the moment, even down to the ages of those involved. In the case I know of though, the woman split with her husband because he wanted to move to another country and she didn’t want to. She is also 40 and met a man 10 years older who had 3 children the same ages. The older two have told their mum they’re not overly happy with the baby news but don’t want to upset their dad. I think that would be a normal reaction from teen kids so I wouldn’t be surprised if in OPs case, they’re telling their mum a different story and she’s worried about them.

Edited

OPs ex husband did want to move to another country and has done. She said the main reason for them splitting was him not wanting children but later wrote he also wanted to move countries and she didn’t so it was another reason for the break up.

Maybe this is the same situation you’re aware of? I’ve recognised people and situations on here a couple of times before.

SmokyMountainRain · Yesterday 12:21

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 12:16

Maybe its a common situation I don't know but the ages of children on here are changed since its a public forum

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Maybe you’re realising any lies may now come out! 😬

PleaseDontTreadOnTheDaisies · Yesterday 12:28

SmokyMountainRain · Yesterday 12:19

OPs ex husband did want to move to another country and has done. She said the main reason for them splitting was him not wanting children but later wrote he also wanted to move countries and she didn’t so it was another reason for the break up.

Maybe this is the same situation you’re aware of? I’ve recognised people and situations on here a couple of times before.

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I think it's just a really common situation... so many blended families now, and it can be very difficult for the DC of the first marriage, speaking as one myself.
I do have an exceptionally close relationship with my half siblings, especially the ones on my mum's side (because I lived in the same house as them, and only had odd weekends and holidays with those on my Dad's side) - so I wouldn't change things for the world. But it has its difficulties - seeing Dad live FT with the new siblings, when he no longer lives FT with you - that sort of thing.
Also OP will find out she will prioritise her own child over his previous DC - it would be unnatural not to, it's your baby, maternal instinct is powerful and real. I hope OP will do whatever she can to treat all 4 DC fairly.

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 12:29

SmokyMountainRain · Yesterday 12:21

Maybe you’re realising any lies may now come out! 😬

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Maybe so and that would be a shame. I hope I have created an environment where they feel they can be honest about how they feel how they feel. They are not entitled to be happy they are allowed to be upset.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 12:33

SmokyMountainRain · Yesterday 12:19

OPs ex husband did want to move to another country and has done. She said the main reason for them splitting was him not wanting children but later wrote he also wanted to move countries and she didn’t so it was another reason for the break up.

Maybe this is the same situation you’re aware of? I’ve recognised people and situations on here a couple of times before.

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There were a lot of reasons why we ultimately decided to go our separate ways; it wasn't simply about moving or having different views about children. It was actually a fairly amicable separation and we have both moved on with our lives.
I still speak to his mum from time to time, and he is now married to someone who didn't want children, and I'm genuinely happy for them.

Sometimes marriages simply don't work out despite the best intentions. I'm grateful for the time we had together and everything we shared and he is a wonderful person he deserves to be happy.

OP posts:

Anonbakerylady · Yesterday 12:46

It sounds like your husband and the SC's mother have a good coparenting relationship at present. I'm struggling to see how it will continue once your baby is born. Are you going to be happy for him to continue to go to your SC's sporting events and stand in a field with his ex wife while you are sat at home with a colicky baby or a lively toddler? Will he be able to concentrate on his older child's game if he takes the new baby with him? What if you see a fun event your child would like but it clashes with SC's event?

If your SC is around 12, then in my experience that is when the hobbies really ramp up. As an example I had to take my DS1 to an all day affair in some random RAF base for air cadets. DH and I take turns doing that sort of thing. I can imagine the ex is concerned that she is going to be left doing all these things herself because your DH uses the baby to get out of them or that he can't afford to pay for as much because of the baby. Babies are cheap compared to teenagers!

Does she claim CMS? Unfortunately the new baby will mean calculations are reduced.If she is struggling for cash, this will hit her hard.

What usually happens is the original children's needs get pushed aside. Suddenly it doesn't seem so important to these fathers to keep up with their older children and the step mum prioritises her bio child.

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 12:48

PleaseDontTreadOnTheDaisies · Yesterday 12:28

I think it's just a really common situation... so many blended families now, and it can be very difficult for the DC of the first marriage, speaking as one myself.
I do have an exceptionally close relationship with my half siblings, especially the ones on my mum's side (because I lived in the same house as them, and only had odd weekends and holidays with those on my Dad's side) - so I wouldn't change things for the world. But it has its difficulties - seeing Dad live FT with the new siblings, when he no longer lives FT with you - that sort of thing.
Also OP will find out she will prioritise her own child over his previous DC - it would be unnatural not to, it's your baby, maternal instinct is powerful and real. I hope OP will do whatever she can to treat all 4 DC fairly.

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I want all of his children to feel equally loved, valued and important and I really hope we can find a way of making the new family dynamic work for everyone. I don't expect it to be completely straightforward particularly in the first couple of years, and I'm very conscious that there will be an adjustment period for all of us.

I also have some personal experience of this. My dad was 54 when he had me and I have half-siblings who I've always had a very good relationship with. Each family is different though I would like for my child to know his siblings and have a bond with them whether that happens I do not know and it takes time, I do not plan to force my baby onto them. I've actually spoken to my half siblings about their experiences and asked how they felt when our dad's circumstances changed and he had other children with someone else. So I'm not going into this thinking it will automatically be easy or assuming that the children will feel a particular way about it. All I know from my family experiences is that everything mellowed out and I am very close to all of my siblings and they loved my brother and I lots of photos from our childhood, lots of time spent together and I enjoyed having siblings with 10+ years of age gap who still give me advice to this day. In an idea world people would only get married once but that isn't real life things change, life isn't linear.

OP posts:

Anonbakerylady · Yesterday 12:51

In short, she will have all these concerns about her babies, yet you have jumped to the conclusion that because she is unhappy she must simply be longing after your man, or in want of a man. It's unfair and more than a bit sexist of you.

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 13:05

Anonbakerylady · Yesterday 12:46

It sounds like your husband and the SC's mother have a good coparenting relationship at present. I'm struggling to see how it will continue once your baby is born. Are you going to be happy for him to continue to go to your SC's sporting events and stand in a field with his ex wife while you are sat at home with a colicky baby or a lively toddler? Will he be able to concentrate on his older child's game if he takes the new baby with him? What if you see a fun event your child would like but it clashes with SC's event?

If your SC is around 12, then in my experience that is when the hobbies really ramp up. As an example I had to take my DS1 to an all day affair in some random RAF base for air cadets. DH and I take turns doing that sort of thing. I can imagine the ex is concerned that she is going to be left doing all these things herself because your DH uses the baby to get out of them or that he can't afford to pay for as much because of the baby. Babies are cheap compared to teenagers!

Does she claim CMS? Unfortunately the new baby will mean calculations are reduced.If she is struggling for cash, this will hit her hard.

What usually happens is the original children's needs get pushed aside. Suddenly it doesn't seem so important to these fathers to keep up with their older children and the step mum prioritises her bio child.

No I do not think she claims CMS. They have their own private arrangements between them regarding maintenance and the children's expenses, including school fees and other costs. They have always dealt with those things between themselves rather than through CMS. She also earns slightly more than he does so their financial arrangements aren't simply a case of him paying maintenance while she covers everything else. They have worked out between themselves how the costs of raising the children are shared, and that is something I don't get involved in. I have only gotten involved in it in terms of working out the costs for our child, nursery etc.

I don't see the arrival of our baby as meaning his older children suddenly become less important, he loves his children and that matters to me to as I care about his children, my child isn't more important than his current existing children, they are all his children. Of course there will be more juggling and there will be occasions where we have to work around commitments, but that's true of any family with several children.

If one of his children has an event that expects parents to be there as there are hockey matches where parents do not attend, the middle child was in America over summer for 2 weeks for a hockey tour and no parent was there it was just the school, I would expect him to continue supporting them, he is their father. Equally, there will be things that are important to our child. We'll have to manage those situations as they arise rather than assuming in advance that one child will always have to come second.
I think it's quite possible to have another child without abandoning the children you already have but then again this is something we would have to navigate, I can't speculate it all till baby is here. It will require more organisation but that doesn't mean his relationship with his older children has to suffer.

OP posts:

Dery · Yesterday 14:07

"I don't think having children should mean someone is expected to put the rest of their life on hold indefinitely. I'm not going to count someone out as a potential partner simply because they have children. Relationships and marriages end and people are still entitled to move forward and build a new life while continuing to be a committed and involved parent to the children they already have."

@OneGreatFawn - you say this as if your husband's ex-wife is somehow hindering your husband from moving forward but she isn't. Your husband is moving forward with you. I said upthread that I think you sound like a kind and sensitive stepmum but you're lacking in imagination (and, actually, empathy) as to how this feels for your husband's ex. What you say above confirms that impression. There's no sense in which you and your husband are being prevented from moving forward so why do you keep repeating that argument? It's natural that this situation might throw up some complicated feelings for your husband's ex. You don't want her to have those feelings but she is allowed to have them. You chose to end your previous marriage. Your husband's ex did not. Your husband ended his previous marriage to the woman with whom he shared three children against her will. He decided she was not enough. He has found in you a younger woman who is very much enough - you are now married and you and he will be having a shared child. You have done nothing wrong at all and indeed it sounds like - as regards your step children - you are getting a lot very right. But I don't think it requires a huge leap of imagination or empathy to recognise that this may generate some complicated feelings for your husband's ex and she is allowed to have those feelings.

Frillysweetpea · Yesterday 14:11

AngelinaFibres · Yesterday 08:01

This. I was the ex. I can absolutely understand how she feels. Probably best you aren't too smug ,you may well find yourself in her position one day. A man who decides he can have 3 children with one woman and leave her will never,ever have an issue over leaving another.

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So much vitriol towards second wives and ridiculous assumptions about men who remarry! My husband has 3 other children plus our DS. Our marriage has lasted decades to date and no sign of him wanting to bugger off. Incidentally, my SC absolutely doted on our DS when he was little and they are all great friends as young adults.

Calliopespa · Yesterday 14:25

Jasmine222 · Yesterday 04:39

OP, you havent done anything wrong. In fact, it looks like you've done everything right and that you're a lovely person. It also looks like his ex is a lovelt person who's tried to do everything right. In spite of that, through no fault of her own, she's ended up without the man she loved and wanted, while you've ended up with him, and she occasionally even feels like she's competing for affection with you as regards her own children. Then, the one experience that was only theirs, the fact that they shared children together, is also being taken away from her, because you're
now sharing having a child with him too. It's not your fault at all, you havent done anything wrong at all, so it must feel unsettling to know youre upsetting someone while just trying to live your own life in a considerate and fullfilled way. She'll have to manage her own feelings but I guess sometimes people struggle and it takes time. Don't feel bad though and good luck with your pregnancy!!

I think this is what the op THINKS and imagines the Ex is feeling, and I think it rather gratifies her tbh. I think she hoped for a thread where we all confirmed this: you are the winner op!

But truthfully I think that is a very naive view of how a mother of three children will be feeling about this, what her priorities will be and where her thinking will be at. I expect the one thing she in fact regrets about her children is that she shares that with the op's DH tbh. Her overwhelming concern will be how this impacts her dc.

Calliopespa · Yesterday 14:29

Anonbakerylady · Yesterday 12:51

In short, she will have all these concerns about her babies, yet you have jumped to the conclusion that because she is unhappy she must simply be longing after your man, or in want of a man. It's unfair and more than a bit sexist of you.

It also reflects someone who hasn't yet grappled with what parenting really involves and the feelings that come with it.

The hopeful thing in this thread is that the OP will soon gain more insight into that and I'm sure she will look back and understand the ex's position with more clarity.

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 14:43

Calliopespa · Yesterday 14:29

It also reflects someone who hasn't yet grappled with what parenting really involves and the feelings that come with it.

The hopeful thing in this thread is that the OP will soon gain more insight into that and I'm sure she will look back and understand the ex's position with more clarity.

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I’ve said this myself too maybe one day I’ll look back and understand it differently, or maybe I never will. My situation is slightly different because it isn’t even guaranteed that I’ll have a child of my own. We do not plan to try again after the miscarriage, I have come to terms with the fact that I might not get to have any children and that is okay. Enough to even know that my pregnancy might not make it to the due date, things happen, life isn't linear.

I’m genuinely trying my best to understand and see things from everyone’s perspective. What I do know is that I would never force my child into my husband’s children’s lives. If, in time, they decide they want a relationship with their half-sibling, then that would be lovely. If they don’t, then that’s life, and it’s something we would have to navigate and accept. People grow, move on, and life changes.

I have older half-siblings who are 10–20 years older than me, and we’re all very close. They spent a lot of time with me and my brother growing up and seemed to genuinely enjoy having younger siblings. Even now they give me advice, and they’ve given me advice about this situation too, because they were once in the same position as my husband’s children.

I also didn’t meet my husband with the intention of interfering with his children’s lives. In fact, that was a deal-breaker for me initially. I liked him enough to keep seeing him, but he was completely honest with me from the beginning. I think one of the first things he told me on our first date was that if things were ever going to go anywhere between us, I needed to understand that he had young children and that they meant the world to him.That has always been something I’ve respected and understood. I’m not trying to take anyone’s place or force myself or any future child of ours into their lives. I’m just trying to find a way for everyone to navigate the situation as fairly and respectfully as possible. We thought things through before trying for a child its not a surprise of accident its very much planned and we know plans don't always work so we have planned for the plans to not work out.

OP posts:

Dery · Yesterday 14:51

“I’m genuinely trying my best to understand and see things from everyone’s perspective. What I do know is that I would never force my child into my husband’s children’s lives. If, in time, they decide they want a relationship with their half-sibling, then that would be lovely. If they don’t, then that’s life, and it’s something we would have to navigate and accept. People grow, move on, and life changes.”

@OneGreatFawn - but your child will be in their lives because they share a father. It makes no sense to imagine otherwise. The impression I’m starting to get is that you imagine your stepchildren and your child can be compartmentalised into separate boxes but that’s unrealistic. In fact, it’s undesirable. I think you’d be better off just accepting that there may be a few uncomfortable feelings around this and try to have some empathy about this. You’ve done nothing wrong, though, and you’re also allowed to take joy in your coming baby.

Pallisers · Yesterday 15:12

What a lot of fuss over nothing. Expecting your husband's ex to be thrilled about your pregnancy is main character energy gone wild. Your dh has moved on, everyone is getting on, you are pregnant. what on earth are you complaining about?

babyproblems · Yesterday 15:13

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 08:40

This is horrible. There is nothing smug in the ops posts, in fact she’s posted reasonably and in a balanced manner,

marriages end, it doesn’t mean every marriage someone has will end too. It’s a ridiculous notion. I understand many posters are bitter, but thay isn’t the ops fault.

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I’m guessing you aren’t married 🫠
for most people it is a promise they don’t make lightly! And they believe (at the time of making it) that it will last until they die. You seem to think it’s all a bit blasé!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · Yesterday 15:18

DozyCrow · 25/09/2026 22:31

I'm guessing she keeps having the rug pulled out from under her feet.

First her husband wants a divorce that she doesn't. The divorce will have taken a long while to even begin to get over. Then her ex gets a new girlfriend, and I assume you're younger than her. That will have reopened all her wounds. While she's gradually coming to terms with that, her children are really liking you. As much as that's a good thing that you all get on, it will seem like a bit of a betrayal to her. She's had to endure you getting engaged and then married and now baby news. She's had no time to start to get over one thing when the next comes along.

💯

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 15:31

babyproblems · Yesterday 15:13

I’m guessing you aren’t married 🫠
for most people it is a promise they don’t make lightly! And they believe (at the time of making it) that it will last until they die. You seem to think it’s all a bit blasé!

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I think he would have liked to have been married to the mother of his children but life happens , things sometimes don't always work out. No point in staying in a situation that you are unhappy with better to just divorce. No one gets married just to get divorced, I was married previously too and albeit i chose to end the marriage it was not an easy decision for me to make but I was unhappy.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 15:39

Dery · Yesterday 14:51

“I’m genuinely trying my best to understand and see things from everyone’s perspective. What I do know is that I would never force my child into my husband’s children’s lives. If, in time, they decide they want a relationship with their half-sibling, then that would be lovely. If they don’t, then that’s life, and it’s something we would have to navigate and accept. People grow, move on, and life changes.”

@OneGreatFawn - but your child will be in their lives because they share a father. It makes no sense to imagine otherwise. The impression I’m starting to get is that you imagine your stepchildren and your child can be compartmentalised into separate boxes but that’s unrealistic. In fact, it’s undesirable. I think you’d be better off just accepting that there may be a few uncomfortable feelings around this and try to have some empathy about this. You’ve done nothing wrong, though, and you’re also allowed to take joy in your coming baby.

Edited

I think the distinction I’m trying to make is between sharing a father and being entitled to a relationship with each other. I completely understand that practically, lives will overlap because they have the same father and I’m not pretending they can be kept in completely separate boxes.

What I mean is that I wouldn’t assume or demand a particular relationship between them. They may naturally become close they may have a more distant relationship or their relationship may change over time. I don’t think any of us can predict that now and I don’t think it would be healthy to put expectations on either the older children or the younger one about what their relationship should look like. What I am saying is they do not have to have anything to do with my child if that is what makes them happy. Ultimately I would want everyone to have autonomy in their decisions although it would be great for my child to have a positive relationship with his/her siblings like I did in a similar position (i have half siblings 10-20 years older than me)

Ultimately, I’m not trying to compartmentalise anyone or pretend there won’t be an impact on everyone involved. I’m saying that I would want to respect the older children’s autonomy and allow the relationships to develop naturally rather than assuming that sharing a father automatically means a particular level of closeness or involvement, it is up to them solely if they want anything to do with my child they will never be forced to have any sort of relationship if they do not want to. In an ideal world/utopia of course I would want them all to have a positive relationship but the world doesn't work that way and I recognise that.

OP posts:

pokewomans · Yesterday 15:39

I wouldn’t like my ex husband to have more dc, it just complicates things & tends to lead to fallouts

MostLikelyTo · Yesterday 15:42

SmokyMountainRain · Yesterday 12:19

OPs ex husband did want to move to another country and has done. She said the main reason for them splitting was him not wanting children but later wrote he also wanted to move countries and she didn’t so it was another reason for the break up.

Maybe this is the same situation you’re aware of? I’ve recognised people and situations on here a couple of times before.

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Thanks. I’ve just read that. I think after reading all OPs posts, it sounds like it is who I’m thinking it is. If it is, there are some fibs being told as to why the mum is unhappy and around the children’s feelings. The mind boggles as to why someone would come on and change important information to get people on their side.

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 15:46

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · Yesterday 15:18

💯

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I can absolutely see that it may have been difficult for her, and I’m not saying she can’t have found any of this hard. A divorce she didn’t want, seeing an ex move on, then him remarrying and having another child could obviously bring up all sorts of feelings. I have empathy for that.But I do think we’re filling in an awful lot of blanks here about what she feels and how she has experienced each of these things. We don’t actually know that she feels betrayed by the children liking me, or that each announcement has been another “rug pulled out from under her”. That’s an interpretation rather than something I’ve been told by her.
And honestly what were we supposed to do? My husband had been divorced for years before I even met him. It wasn’t a case of them splitting up and him meeting me a few weeks later getting married and having a baby. There was a long period of time between his marriage ending and me even coming into the picture.

I understand that his life moving on may have been painful for her but I don’t think the answer can be that he stops moving on. At some point he is allowed to remarry, I’m allowed to become his wife, and we’re allowed to decide that we want a child together. None of those things were done to her, even if she understandably has feelings about them.I think there’s also a difference between having empathy for someone and taking responsibility for their emotions. I can completely accept that this might be difficult for her without believing that my husband and I should have put our lives on hold to make it easier for her.

And with the childrenI I amn very conscious that they didn’t choose any of this. I wouldn’t force a relationship with me or with a future half sibling, and I wouldn’t expect them to be delighted about everything. If they need time, space or have complicated feelings then they’re entitled to that. But they also have a father who has moved on with his life and I don’t think that can realistically mean his life stops developing because his previous marriage to their mother ended.
I suppose I just think everyone has to be allowed to move forward eventually.

OP posts:

PleaseDontTreadOnTheDaisies · Yesterday 15:49

MostLikelyTo · Yesterday 15:42

Thanks. I’ve just read that. I think after reading all OPs posts, it sounds like it is who I’m thinking it is. If it is, there are some fibs being told as to why the mum is unhappy and around the children’s feelings. The mind boggles as to why someone would come on and change important information to get people on their side.

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Interesting. Validation maybe.