Page 9 | AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

ImmortalSnowman · Yesterday 06:17

She doesn't need to interact or even acknowledge our child and neither do his children I would want my child to have a relationship with their siblings but also understand if that is not possible

@OneGreatFawn If his younger two children live with you 50% of the time, how are they going to avoid interaction or acknowledging your new baby? Is one of the 3 existing children going to lose their bedroom in their father's house? Assuming you have a 4 bedroom house atm.

Is your DH going to not see his children for a few weeks after your newborn arrives because you may have PFB expectations and don't want anyone around your (joint) baby?

Their mum's reaction is not unreasonable at all. A new baby will impact her children's lives. The 15 year old sitting exams in a house with an infant, won't be a great situation either. So they might end up spending less and less time at dad's house.

How do you know she doesn't have a relationship? If father has genuine 50/50 of his kids then she has plenty of child free time and may just not want to complicate her children's lives by introducing a new partner, even if it is a long term relationship.

I had a relationship with a man who had children, they had been divorced a couple of years before I met him. I never met his children who he had almost 50% of term time (he collected them from school every day) because we were only together 10 months, but he wouldn't have known if his ex had a new partner that she saw while he had the children, she didn't know I existed.

cloudtreecarpet · Yesterday 06:32

I don't get the problem?
So his ex wife is upset that he's having another child but it doesn't sound like her being upset has any impact on you so I don't understand why you are posting?

It's understandable that she's upset and thrown by it, she probably wasn't expecting him to take on another child when he already has three to support - and, trust me, they don't get cheaper as they get older! And she is probably concerned about how another child will ultimately affect her kids once the excitement has worn down and the reality of life with a baby kicks in.
Plus it will feel like a punch in the guts to think of him doing the whole fatherhood again with someone else.

But none of this really affects you, it's her upset and she has to come to terms with the situation.

You seem a nice person so I don't really understand why you can't have some empathy towards her & why you had to create an AIBU to ponder why she "hasn't moved on"?
You are about to be a mother yourself, I wouldn't have thought it would be that hard to put yourself in her shoes.

Notasbigasithink · Yesterday 06:34

OneGreatFawn · 25/09/2026 18:46

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married earlier this year. He turned 50 a couple of weeks ago and I’m 40.I was previously married. My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave. I had always thought he might change his mind after a few more years, but eventually I realised I couldn’t keep waiting for that.

My current husband has three children with his ex wife. They had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I’ve met his children and thankfully we get on really well. His eldest has just started university and she actually asked if I would come with them when they dropped her off. I decided not to because I felt that was something special for her and her parents and I didn’t want to get in between them. Her mum was quite upset at this request but I was never going to go with them anyway. She has bee at university for a week or so and has texted me every single day, we get on quite well and she asks me for advice on things sometimes I tell her to maybe speak to her mum about it etc. I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ?

His ex wife has never particularly liked me. I’ve never really known why as they had been divorced for a few years before my husband and I even met. I’ve always been polite and have never tried to interfere with their relationship as parents. The children seem to like me, which perhaps doesn't help, but I honestly don't know.

Anyway we found out I was pregnant in July. We kept it to ourselves for a while and have now told his children. They are all really excited about having a younger sibling which has been lovely. My husband told his ex wife before the children knew so that she wouldn't have to find out from them. Her reaction wasn't great. A few days later she sent him a message and the general gist was that she was fine with him remarrying but him having another child was "a punch in the face' I can understand that it must be difficult for her. She didn't want their marriage to end and my husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I can imagine that seeing him married to someone else and now having another baby could bring up feelings she thought she'd dealt with.But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? They've been divorced for years, he's been with me for four years and we're now married and expecting a baby. He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce.
Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.I don't want any of this to spill over onto the children and I certainly don't want them feeling guilty for being excited about their new sibling.

AIBU to think that while her feelings are understandable, she needs to accept that my husband has moved on and is entitled to have another family? Or am I being completely insensitive here?

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Ignore all the sour faced replies on here!
In a perfect world we'd all come from stable upbringings, be well educated, have perfect careers, meet our partner in our early 20s, not live together for years before we knew they were 'the one', get married, have only 2 children before we were 30, be a SAHM cooking organic foods, no screen time for children, managed the family finances etc and live happily ever after!
Yeah because thats exactly how life goes isn't it?!
I met my (divorced) husband in my early 40s, moved in together, had a baby at 43 and am loving life! His ex is an absolute bitch and does everything possible to try and ruin our lives. There's something to be said about leaving a controlling woman (YES MN, THEY DO EXIST!!!!) ; they tend to be forever scorned, hell hath no fury etc......
Of course I'd have lived to have met my husband earlier in life but we don't live in a fairytale unfortunately.
My best advice is to grey rock her. Be pleasant towards her in conversation with her children and communicate with her only when absolutely necessary.
Otherwise just enjoy your life and focus on making your marriage a happy one!

cloudtreecarpet · Yesterday 06:51

In your situation the ex wife sounds awful & is making things difficult for you but the OP has only said that her husband's ex wife sent a text saying she was upset at the news of the pregnancy - nothing other than that.

That's why posters are wondering why the OP is posting and what the fuss is about.

It's understandable that the ex wife has those feelings and it's not about how much time has passed since their divorce; she would likely have those feelings even ten years after because it will feel really strange and will likely change things for her own children in many ways.

But at the moment all she has done is express those feelings, the OP doesn't mention any bunny boiler behaviour.
It seems the OP came here because she just wanted to hear people criticise the ex wife for "not moving on".

Rosscameasdoody · Yesterday 06:57

blubberyboo · 25/09/2026 19:55

YABU for just assuming that she has some unresolved feelings over your DH

it sounds more like your DH was a crap husband and father for walking out when the youngest was probably around 5 or less. I bet they argued over him not stepping up as a dad and husband when he was in her house and he used that as an excuse to say she was a nag and left her. Now he gets someone else pregnant. That’s what she means by the punch in the face.

she’s not pining after him! She’s pissed off!

Wow. Such projection.

Wannabemornighmum · Yesterday 06:59

I think your situation is very different to his which is why you can’t empathise. I’d guess with three kids they’ve been through it all together and she thought he was her one for life then rug pulled out. It’s not that easy to just move on

Sassylovesbooks · Yesterday 07:13

I would imagine your husband's ex wife, is more concerned about the effect a new baby will have on the existing children. Men often have a child with a new partner, and his existing children, are pushed aside and forgotten. I'm not suggesting your husband would do this, but from his ex's point of view, I doubt she expected him to want a divorce, so it's not beyond the realms of possibility, that she's concerned he could 'forget' his existing children.

She may also be concerned about inheritance further down the line. Is your husband likely to leave everything to you in his Will? Unless he puts provision into his Will for all his children, there's nothing stopping you from disinheriting his 3 children from his first marriage! Again, I'm not suggesting you would do it, but your husband's ex wife doesn't know that!

You're never going to be friends with your husband's ex wife. She may quietly tolerate you, and that's about all you can expect. It sounds as if you are being respectful towards her position as the children's Mum, whilst maintaining your own relationship with his children. You aren't responsible for your husband's ex's feelings or emotions. They are hers to manage. However, her feelings are still valid, and shouldn't be dismissed.

babyproblems · Yesterday 07:13

SheDog · 25/09/2026 18:56

She’ll feel better when she sees him trying to cope with a newborn at 50 and teens in his 60s. No one will be envious or jealous of that situation.

You do sound quite smug but in your position I really wouldn’t be,

You may be the cool step mum who her kids text every day but she’s their mum at the end of the day. She may be trying to please her dad by texting you. You will realise when you have your own as you say so try to be less smug if you truly want happiness and harmony for everyone.

I sort of thought this too.

I can see why his ex wife is upset. I mean imagine if you had managed to have a marriage and three gorgeous kids with someone; then they left you, and then you had to watch them do it with someone else? Wouldn’t you feel a bit devastated and lost? Like your life plan had maybe been ruined? Or would you just accept the new woman easily and with grace?
If I went through a divorce I would not be happy with my DH choosing a new woman and then them spending loads of time with my kids. Of course it’s a common scenario; but in their mother and I decide who is in their lives when they’re children. I agree you underestimate how much the daughter might be trying to please her father; especially if the parents are divorced.

wherearemypeople · Yesterday 07:16

user1497787065 · 25/09/2026 19:01

A couple of my friends have found themselves in the position of your husbands ex wife and their concerns have usually been that their children’s inheritance is to be shared by another child.

Agree that this is a big thing. Also it can be really hard on children to see their dad living with a new sibling when he no longer lives with them.

I think it's best for the ex-wife if she comes to terms with it but her thoughts shouldn't have any impact on you either way.

Blindinglybatshit · Yesterday 07:31

Gosh - there are some bitter & frankly bizarre responses on here!
The majority of my female friends who got divorced felt at least slightly miffed when their other halves started new families - although it seems an unreasonable reaction I can empathise - essentially it’s just basic protection instincts re their existing kids and worrying if/how it might change things. It does sound like she’s unreasonably harbouring resentment towards you but you’re just going to have to ignore it, keep calm and hold the higher moral ground!

Bunnie007 · Yesterday 07:32

I actually feel what OP is looking for is reassurance she hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’. You haven’t OP and I can understand why his ex saying this has negatively impacted her might make you feel that way. Neither you or your husband have done anything wrong and yet she is still hurt. Unfortunately this is life. Try not to dwell on her and her feelings. Everyone is quick to ‘blame’ your husband but while I can feel empathy with his ex I think that this is now her issue to seek support for (through friends or therapy) Lots of people are asking why did you post on here but I would ask - what did his ex hope to achieve by sending her message? Because to me I can’t see any other explanation than to make your husband feel bad? So I do feel that though of course she has a right to feel however she feels. I would question her intentions as agree with OP that it’s a shame she’s not in a ‘better place’ where she has been able to move on and can be if not happy then neutral about their news.

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · Yesterday 07:37

Congrats to you both. My dad was 50 when I was born and he always tells people it “kept him young” 😂.

Honestly she probably has a lot of feelings about it, you guys having a baby will mean her own children get less time and resources so from a utilitarian point of view I can see why she would be upset. Obviously she’s just gonna have to get over it, but I do understand why she’s going to feel sad, especially if she didn’t want the divorce.

Rosscameasdoody · Yesterday 07:47

Bunnie007 · Yesterday 07:32

I actually feel what OP is looking for is reassurance she hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’. You haven’t OP and I can understand why his ex saying this has negatively impacted her might make you feel that way. Neither you or your husband have done anything wrong and yet she is still hurt. Unfortunately this is life. Try not to dwell on her and her feelings. Everyone is quick to ‘blame’ your husband but while I can feel empathy with his ex I think that this is now her issue to seek support for (through friends or therapy) Lots of people are asking why did you post on here but I would ask - what did his ex hope to achieve by sending her message? Because to me I can’t see any other explanation than to make your husband feel bad? So I do feel that though of course she has a right to feel however she feels. I would question her intentions as agree with OP that it’s a shame she’s not in a ‘better place’ where she has been able to move on and can be if not happy then neutral about their news.

Edited

Agree. Unfortunately AIBU isn’t the best place to look for that reassurance - MN will always support a sainted first wife against a step mum. I can see both sides to be honest because ex is probably thinking about the effect on her own kids,

Another consideration is whether he pays child support via CMS because another baby means that will reduce, but OP hasn’t clarified, so that may or may not be a concern.

I don’t think she comes across as smug though, as some posters are saying. I think she’s doing her best to engage with his kids without ruffling ex’s feathers. I did wonder whether maybe OP is a bit uncomfortable with the fact that his ex clearly still has feelings for her DH. Without knowing the reason DH ended his first marriage, it’s hard to know where that discomfort may be coming from, but I do think some insecurity at least is at play here.

Xanhi · Yesterday 07:48

People don't always totally get over major relationships. My friend's ex husband still rings her up quite regularly for heart to hearts even though they divorced about 20 years ago and he has been with his new partner for all that time. In her case, they got on very well for years, had 3 children together, went through some very good and very bad things together. All that is a lot of shared experience and that is why neither of them have totally moved on.

AngelinaFibres · Yesterday 08:01

MaidsRoom · 25/09/2026 19:03

I feel for all of you here. On the one hand you sound like you’ve made a big effort to be considerate, and your husband has a total right to have a child four years into a new relationship.

On the other…imagine how she might feel. They stood together at the altar/register office and promised “till death do us part” or similar words. They probably really, really meant it at the time. They had a family together, and struggled through the baby and toddler years. She loved him for years, maybe decades, and thought that would be the rest of her life. Maybe she was imagining a happy retirement together. And then he announces he’s unhappy and he’s leaving, and before she knows it he’s with a new, much younger woman and then he’s having a brand new family, and even worse her children seem fine with it and occasionally seem to treat this new woman like their mum, and she’s sitting there going “what just happened to my family?”

As you say, there’s not much you can do about this other than be nice. But I can appreciate why she’s feeling gutted.

This. I was the ex. I can absolutely understand how she feels. Probably best you aren't too smug ,you may well find yourself in her position one day. A man who decides he can have 3 children with one woman and leave her will never,ever have an issue over leaving another.

Sartre · Yesterday 08:25

She’s allowed to feel sad about this but I don’t think she should be sharing this with your DH, she should keep it to herself and whinge to friends. I can understand why she’d feel sad about it but if they’ve been divorced for many years, she does need to get ahold of herself.

I guess she still loves him in some way, especially since you said she didn’t want to divorce. You’re a decade younger than her too so perhaps it stings to see the man she loves starting again with someone younger. She might also worry that this will take away from their children in some way.

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 08:40

AngelinaFibres · Yesterday 08:01

This. I was the ex. I can absolutely understand how she feels. Probably best you aren't too smug ,you may well find yourself in her position one day. A man who decides he can have 3 children with one woman and leave her will never,ever have an issue over leaving another.

Show quote history

This is horrible. There is nothing smug in the ops posts, in fact she’s posted reasonably and in a balanced manner,

marriages end, it doesn’t mean every marriage someone has will end too. It’s a ridiculous notion. I understand many posters are bitter, but thay isn’t the ops fault.

Wheresthebeach · Yesterday 08:49

Step mothers always get attacked on mumsnet. You’ve done nothing wrong OP and congrats on your pregnancy. We had similar when I got pregnant but multiple angry shouting phone calls and nastiness for years. This despite my husbands ex having a live in boyfriend that she eventually married. Sadly she never got over it, but my step kids and daughter have an amazing relationship despite the age gaps. There is nothing you can do about how she feels. Just continue with your step kids as you are and be civil to the ex.

Peachghost · Yesterday 09:00

echt · Yesterday 00:35

I should have been more clear. I was taking issue with your saying "or even all weekend".

This is what the OP said: They alternate weeks and weekends.

That seems pretty even-handed to me.

Show quote history

It wasnt me saying it. You clearly didn't read my post either.

Ethelspagetti · Yesterday 09:48

I think you can’t make her like you. Carry on as you are, as it’s clearly working well with the step children. Don’t bad mouth her at all and just be your pleasant self. She’s clearly upset to see that a baby will cement your relationship further, as he’ll always have ties to you like he does with her. Ignore it, she’ll get over it when the baby arrives.

shhblackbag · Yesterday 09:58

She owes you nothing. She's allowed to have feelings about her children now being expected to share time and resources, emotional and otherwise, with their father's new child.

Blended families rarely end well, especially fot teenagers when a new baby arrives.

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 11:48

Peachghost · Yesterday 00:11

I dont know about the poster you quoted but I have read the OP's updates. Nowhere does she say her husband has done 50/50, in fact, despite multiple posters asking the question she hasn't given a straight answer. She talks about him being a present dad, and being in the kids lives and them being around on weekends. Its pretty clear that this man has never done his fair share of child rearing. And the OP has the nerve to criticise the ex wife for not meeting someone and building a life. The ex wife has probably been a bit busy after being abandoned with 3 young children (its also pretty telling she wont answer how old the children were when he walked out). She probably didn't have the luxury the OP's husband had to go on dates and move in with someone.

Edited

Show quote history

I am not going to go in detail into their divorce arrangement that was decided before I even met him but I have explained roughly the arrangement if you have a look. He has always had the children 50/50. In England, shared care doesn't necessarily mean a strict week-about arrangement and because we all live in the same town their arrangement is more flexible. The children spend alternate weekends with him plus some weekday evenings with him for dinner alongside the rest of their time with their mum. Every sports game he goes with their mum, they have a co parenting relationship. They have always had an ongoing, substantial relationship and routine with both parents.So the suggestion that he has simply been a “present dad” who saw them at weekends while their mum did the actual parenting isn't accurate. He has always been sharing the care of them.

And for clarity I didn't just meet the children and move straight into their lives. I didn't meet them for around a year after we got together specifically because I wanted to make sure I wasn't being introduced into their lives prematurely and because they also live at his house 50/50 of the time. I only moved into his home after I had spent time with the children and we were all comfortable with that.
There was no situation where he abandoned three young children and immediately moved another woman in. He has continued to parent them throughout and they have two homes within the same town.

I think some of the conclusions being drawn about what happened are based on assumptions rather than what the actual arrangements have been. I mean today his children are at his place, he has gone out with them, his eldest is now at university as of this sept so she will not be here 50/50 of the time or even at her mum's house.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 11:54

I don't think having children should mean someone is expected to put the rest of their life on hold indefinitely. I'm not going to count someone out as a potential partner simply because they have children. Relationships and marriages end and people are still entitled to move forward and build a new life while continuing to be a committed and involved parent to the children they already have.

For me those two things aren't mutually exclusive. His children have always been an important part of his life and that was something I understood from the beginning. It was a dealbreaker for me and I decided to get to know him and here we are now. But being a good father doesn't mean he has to remain single forever.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 11:59

AngelinaFibres · Yesterday 08:01

This. I was the ex. I can absolutely understand how she feels. Probably best you aren't too smug ,you may well find yourself in her position one day. A man who decides he can have 3 children with one woman and leave her will never,ever have an issue over leaving another.

Show quote history

I completely agree that if a marriage is no longer working either person is entitled to leave. It isn't a case of someone being expected to stay in a marriage indefinitely because they have children. Obviously I would expect it to be handled as well and responsibly as possible but I don't have an issue with someone deciding that a relationship has come to an end.

I'm expecting a child myself and if he ultimately decided that our relationship wasn't working after we had our child I wouldn't believe he should be forced to stay. Of course I would hope that he would continue to have a loving and meaningful relationship with our child because ultimately that would be what mattered most to me.

Nobody goes into a marriage hoping it will end but life doesn't always work out as planned. People change circumstances change and sometimes relationships change with them. If that happens you just have to adapt and whatever else is going on between the adults make sure the children are supported loved and kept at the centre of the situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneGreatFawn · Yesterday 12:13

Russetboots · Yesterday 02:49

Yes, I had neighbours whose father moved in with a much younger woman and had kids. The neighbours are young adult/ older teens. One of them said they pretended to embrace the new situation, not because of their dad, but because of their mum, as they didn't want her to know how upset they actually were, as it would have made her upset too. They just pretended to go along with it, but their relationship with their dad was never the same.

Show quote history

That is a shame and I can completely understand that these things can be very difficult for children to process. I don't expect them to simply embrace the situation and it may take time if they are simply excited to not upset their father which would be a shame, they are allowed to be upset. They may feel differently about the baby about me, or about their relationship with their dad at different points and ultimately I can't force any of that. Neither can their father.

We have actually talked about this quite a lot, including his own experience of having half-siblings. He is very close to his half-siblings so hopefully that will be something positive for them to draw on as they are close with their father's siblings but I appreciate that every family and every child is different. All we can do is give them time, space and reassurance and navigate things as sensitively as we can.

In an ideal world nobody would have gone through a divorce and none of this would have been necessary. But sometimes relationships end, life moves on, and families change. The important thing for me is that the children are allowed to have whatever feelings they have about it without being pressured while making sure they know they are loved and still have a relationship with their dad.

OP posts: