AIBU not to ask my mum to do childcare?

I'm not really sure what the issue is....you don't want her to look after the baby....she won't look after the baby until you ask. So don't ask, ignore your sister and carry on with your life with less stress!

What's the issue? Don't ask her and move on as you are.

I’d just say to your mum ‘if you want to look after baby for a couple hours just ask me’. Rather than ignoring her because she obviously keeps mentioning it

@Whowillbuymyribbons "she keeps making pointed comments"

Could you just say that you are lucky enough not to need the help?

"Thanks for the offer, but I don't need any help" on repeat. I think you will have to ignore everything else.

Tell family members not to get involved, you don’t want to hear it.

I would just say you don’t need the help with nursery etc at the moment but she’s always welcome to ask if she wants to see your baby and you’ll make the baby available!

If other family members say she’s hurt at not being asked to help, reiterate to them that you simply don’t need help and like picking up your own baby but will keep her in mind if/when you do need help at some point - a perfectly reasonable response!

Stop worrying about it. Be confident in your decision not to ask her. Roll your eyes if family members mention her complaining. Tell her (and any one else who expresses concern) "Of course I've got it sorted." if she asks you how you manage with something. And spend less time with her if you aren't getting anything out of it.

Also, if you haven't got on for years, should you really reconsider the idea that she can have your DC for the asking? Is she actually going to be a good person for your DC to spend time with?

That's not your problem, but if you want to stop her drooping hints just say BTW Mum we have pickups and childcare sorted so don't need your help at the moment, but you are welcome to visit at weekends (or whatever).

Ignore her nonsense especially the “l don’t know how you will cope” manipulation. It will be way too much drama and more trouble than it’s worth. Why is your sister feeding into it?

Ignore. Then continue to ignore. You can tell your sis to butt out too, it’s none of her business.

Just say that you are grateful she wants to help and should you need it you will let her know. In the meantime she’s welcome to visit the baby to build a relationship

This is easy. She doesn't want to spend time with you, and you don't with her. You don't need to.

She can make whatever comments she likes to anyone else. If they repeat them to you just look at them and say something neutral like, 'does she?' and then change the subject. I'd tell my sister I didn't want to hear about Mum's moans.

Turn it back on her. "I don't need any help looking after DD mum. In fact I really enjoy it. But I don't want you to feel you're missing out, so if you'd like to pick her up now and again, just ask and of course you can".

We don’t need the help mum, but happy for you to visit whenever you want.

The rock and hard place are of your own making. Ignore your mother and have confidence in your decisions.

I know that's not as easy as I make it sound when you've been brought up to accept an unreasonable parent's perspective, but it needs to be your goal. Whenever you find yourself getting worried/upset and wondering if you're in the wrong - counter that narrative in you head. Focus on the fact your mother is not only unreasonable but actively unfair towards you. Focus on the fact she doesn't have your or your child's best interests at heart. Remind yourself that she is deliberately misrepresenting the situation to others - that her complaints are untrue (even if she believes them herself as people often do in this situation).

You can be blunter with her. Don't listen to her long lectures. Cut her off. Tell her to stop moaning about it when you've given her an open invitation. And maybe remind her that no, she isn't actually entitled to see her grandchildren.

Anyone who doesn’t like me would not have my DC without me there. Not a chance.

This is good advice. You aren’t really stuck, you just don’t like her reactions to your boundaries. But you aren’t responsible for your mum’s feelings. And you can’t change her, you can only change how you respond to her.
Can you get some therapy to help you through this? You don’t actually want your mum to spend time with your baby, so you need to deal with the awkwardness this brings up for you.

I understand that. My MIL was the same (happy to have the children) but I wasn’t comfortable with that , I was unwilling to leave them in her care unless their father was around. I didn’t trust her to tell them things or give them things I didn’t want. I just could not relax if she had them, I constantly felt uneasy. If I asked anything the responses would be defensive.
Maybe then say if I really appreciate you want to help and should I need it I will let you know in the meantime maybe we can arrange some special days out together so you can see the baby.
Stick to what you are comfortable with only , your mum. Everyone has an opinion but at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and your child.

Honestly, if someone didn't like me and made it very obvious, I certainly wouldn't let them look after my baby. It's even worse that it's your own mother doing this. Your baby isn't communityy property and your mum has no right expecting to have time alone with your baby when she can't be bothered to be nice to you.

You are doing the right thing by keeping your baby away from your mum as much as possible. I'm sorry you are going through this with your mum. I am NC with my mum and that definitely sounds easier to manage than what you are going through ❤️