AIBU not to ask my mum to do childcare?

She's the one causing the problem, so you can't really fix it.

However, if you wanted, would it be possible to suggest that you and baby go to hers sometimes while the other grandchildren were there? Or meet them in a park or soft play or whatever? You could say you'd like to see your nieces/ nephews and it would be good for the baby to spend time with cousins. Then you're framing it as a wider family thing and it might be harder for her to complain? (Though I know some people will complain under any and every circumstances!)

sounds quite classic!

My daughter can't cope without me
She will have to ask me
I must feel needed
How on earth can she manage without me
She is being too independent
I have no role in the family
This baby is here for me to care for

It’s difficult when it’s your mum that’s being a jerk but try giving this as much headspace as you would anyone else who was trying to manipulate you into doing something you didn’t want to do. It’s hard, but the key is to kind of train yourself to say no and then give it no more thought. The detachment becomes apparent to them and they eventually realise they aren’t getting anywhere, they don’t like it but they do give up

sounds like you are both being stubborn
can you not think of any time she can babysit?
otherwise keep going as you are

I wouldn’t be asking her to look after the baby alone at all under these circumstances.

Why does she need to think of a time her mum can babysit?

Her mum doesn’t like her, and is behaving as though the baby is common property, or a prop to be used to boast about.

How is it beneficial for the baby to make a bond with somebody like that? And as baby gets older and starts picking up on the dislike towards her mother, how does that benefit the child and immediate family?

OP is lucky enough not to need help, and has no reason to invent a need.

Stay strong and hold your boundaries. Your baby isn't an accessory or a doll to be passed around.

I wouldn't be letting anyone who didn't like me be alone with my child either. Certainly would never ask them to provide any childcare.

She isn't entitled to see your baby either, you are gracing her with allowing her to see her since she wasn't bothered about seeing you before.

I only voted YABU because you’re being ridiculous. Just don’t ask her - you already know all the reasons. She’s not complaining directly to you, so ignore it. You could mention to your sister that you don’t want to hear complaints from your mum through her.

No one is entitled to see your child. Grandparents have no rights.

Next time someone mentions it turn it back around.
'That's not true. She made the decision to only see baby once a week, not us. '

If pick up is mentioned. 'She knows we dont need childcare and she has decided not to see baby more'

Think your going to have to be blunt and straight to the point.

I am familiar with this dynamic and I know why you’re feeling the pressure but take the power away from her and do as PP have suggested. I’m afraid that if you let her have your child she will try to turn them against you. This sounds dramatic and whilst they’re younger, her going against your wishes will aggravate you. When they’re older it’s a whole other ball game and can become more serious. Don’t enter into any further conversations with relatives about it. You do you and feel confident in your decisions.

Just say you’ll cope like all the other parents do. You’re right not to give someone your child you wants to use it against you. My parents live 300 miles away… you just crack on.

I think you need to learn that you aren’t responsible for her happiness, if she is annoyed at not getting her way that is on her. You need to ignore the comments, protect your child. Your mum doesn’t even like you, so why would you trust her with your child. Let her be grumpy about, it’s not your problem to fix. She created it. Be Teflon when the comments start, “oh right, anyway did you hear about …”

Exactly this.

Oh, so even if she asked, it would have to be with you there. So, she may aswell not ask and just visit. Her pointed comments are to get you to say exactly what you mean, the truth, as to why she can’t have the baby alone.

Either tell her, or ignore the pointed comments to avoid a showdown, up to you.