AIBU not to ask my mum to do childcare?

Oh, so even if she asked, it would have to be with you there. So, she may aswell not ask and just visit. Her pointed comments are to get you to say exactly what you mean, the truth, as to why she can’t have the baby alone.

Either tell her, or ignore the pointed comments to avoid a showdown, up to you.

Exactly this.

I think you need to learn that you aren’t responsible for her happiness, if she is annoyed at not getting her way that is on her. You need to ignore the comments, protect your child. Your mum doesn’t even like you, so why would you trust her with your child. Let her be grumpy about, it’s not your problem to fix. She created it. Be Teflon when the comments start, “oh right, anyway did you hear about …”

Just say you’ll cope like all the other parents do. You’re right not to give someone your child you wants to use it against you. My parents live 300 miles away… you just crack on.

I am familiar with this dynamic and I know why you’re feeling the pressure but take the power away from her and do as PP have suggested. I’m afraid that if you let her have your child she will try to turn them against you. This sounds dramatic and whilst they’re younger, her going against your wishes will aggravate you. When they’re older it’s a whole other ball game and can become more serious. Don’t enter into any further conversations with relatives about it. You do you and feel confident in your decisions.

No one is entitled to see your child. Grandparents have no rights.

Next time someone mentions it turn it back around.
'That's not true. She made the decision to only see baby once a week, not us. '

If pick up is mentioned. 'She knows we dont need childcare and she has decided not to see baby more'

Think your going to have to be blunt and straight to the point.

I only voted YABU because you’re being ridiculous. Just don’t ask her - you already know all the reasons. She’s not complaining directly to you, so ignore it. You could mention to your sister that you don’t want to hear complaints from your mum through her.

Stay strong and hold your boundaries. Your baby isn't an accessory or a doll to be passed around.

I wouldn't be letting anyone who didn't like me be alone with my child either. Certainly would never ask them to provide any childcare.

She isn't entitled to see your baby either, you are gracing her with allowing her to see her since she wasn't bothered about seeing you before.

Why does she need to think of a time her mum can babysit?

Her mum doesn’t like her, and is behaving as though the baby is common property, or a prop to be used to boast about.

How is it beneficial for the baby to make a bond with somebody like that? And as baby gets older and starts picking up on the dislike towards her mother, how does that benefit the child and immediate family?

OP is lucky enough not to need help, and has no reason to invent a need.

I wouldn’t be asking her to look after the baby alone at all under these circumstances.

sounds like you are both being stubborn
can you not think of any time she can babysit?
otherwise keep going as you are

It’s difficult when it’s your mum that’s being a jerk but try giving this as much headspace as you would anyone else who was trying to manipulate you into doing something you didn’t want to do. It’s hard, but the key is to kind of train yourself to say no and then give it no more thought. The detachment becomes apparent to them and they eventually realise they aren’t getting anywhere, they don’t like it but they do give up

sounds quite classic!

My daughter can't cope without me
She will have to ask me
I must feel needed
How on earth can she manage without me
She is being too independent
I have no role in the family
This baby is here for me to care for

She's the one causing the problem, so you can't really fix it.

However, if you wanted, would it be possible to suggest that you and baby go to hers sometimes while the other grandchildren were there? Or meet them in a park or soft play or whatever? You could say you'd like to see your nieces/ nephews and it would be good for the baby to spend time with cousins. Then you're framing it as a wider family thing and it might be harder for her to complain? (Though I know some people will complain under any and every circumstances!)

You are doing the right thing by keeping your baby away from your mum as much as possible. I'm sorry you are going through this with your mum. I am NC with my mum and that definitely sounds easier to manage than what you are going through ❤️

Honestly, if someone didn't like me and made it very obvious, I certainly wouldn't let them look after my baby. It's even worse that it's your own mother doing this. Your baby isn't communityy property and your mum has no right expecting to have time alone with your baby when she can't be bothered to be nice to you.

I understand that. My MIL was the same (happy to have the children) but I wasn’t comfortable with that , I was unwilling to leave them in her care unless their father was around. I didn’t trust her to tell them things or give them things I didn’t want. I just could not relax if she had them, I constantly felt uneasy. If I asked anything the responses would be defensive.
Maybe then say if I really appreciate you want to help and should I need it I will let you know in the meantime maybe we can arrange some special days out together so you can see the baby.
Stick to what you are comfortable with only , your mum. Everyone has an opinion but at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and your child.

This is good advice. You aren’t really stuck, you just don’t like her reactions to your boundaries. But you aren’t responsible for your mum’s feelings. And you can’t change her, you can only change how you respond to her.
Can you get some therapy to help you through this? You don’t actually want your mum to spend time with your baby, so you need to deal with the awkwardness this brings up for you.

Anyone who doesn’t like me would not have my DC without me there. Not a chance.

The rock and hard place are of your own making. Ignore your mother and have confidence in your decisions.

I know that's not as easy as I make it sound when you've been brought up to accept an unreasonable parent's perspective, but it needs to be your goal. Whenever you find yourself getting worried/upset and wondering if you're in the wrong - counter that narrative in you head. Focus on the fact your mother is not only unreasonable but actively unfair towards you. Focus on the fact she doesn't have your or your child's best interests at heart. Remind yourself that she is deliberately misrepresenting the situation to others - that her complaints are untrue (even if she believes them herself as people often do in this situation).

You can be blunter with her. Don't listen to her long lectures. Cut her off. Tell her to stop moaning about it when you've given her an open invitation. And maybe remind her that no, she isn't actually entitled to see her grandchildren.

We don’t need the help mum, but happy for you to visit whenever you want.