My 4 year oldS behaviour is breaking me. He is nearly 5. His violence and demands have been consistent daily since he was around 2.5. We have tried everything. Calm, gentle, ignore, punish, shouting etc. He has just started school. He is absolutely fine there but is repeatedly hitting and spitting at me if he doesn't get to do what he wants after school such as get an ice cream or go to the park. He does this all the time at home too.
Tonight at bedtime because I was sat on the wrong part bed of the bed with his brother he decided to start kicking and hitting me and I had to restrain him. His older brother who is the most placid and gentle kid has to witness this distress all the time. When I talk to him after he says things such as I like hitting people, I hate you, I am never sorry to you. My soul is being destroyed by all this. I don't know how to connect with him as his default is aggression when with his brother it is so much more organic I am kind to him and he is thankful and kind in return. I feel like I am a good mum to both of them so why does one of them treat me this way. He also says things about being dead and kill a lot too.
Are these early signs of future mental illness? School and nursery have never raised anything ever about his behaviour but I feel like I'm failing and fear for the future. Not only for him but for myself. Supporting him but also when he is bigger and can overpower me. He is already large and strong for his age.
Anyone have a child similar and have things got better? The internet searches just say he is still young and it is still behaviour in normal range? Please help. AIBU?