To worry about DS future because of this

You need to speak to your GP and start the SEN assessment process. It takes a very long time.

I’m no expert but my eldest had challenging behaviour around this age not the same or as extreme but generally v angry meltdowns towards mainly me with biting etc.
I read Steve Bidulps books raising Happy children and his book aimed at boys and found much of it very useful. I especially liked Steve’s advice about getting DS to say how he felt, how we felt and how he could react differently next time after an incident.
Just to say my son is now 32 very kind and thoughtful with a very good job and comfortable life. He definitely has some personality quirks and he thinks possibly ADHD(not diagnosed).
I really hope you get through this rough period, you sound lovely. I just wanted to say it can just be a tough age/stage.

My DS is 5 and autistic. I would guess your son has SEN and is masking at school.

whether it is SEN or not you must seek referral asap as the waitlists (if you don’t go private) are YEARS long.

do speak to the Senco at school and good luck OP.

FUTURE mental illness?

This isn't normal behaviour. You need to speak to the school and also your GP. I'm no expert on these matters, by any stretch of the imagination, but I have worked in schools for around 15 years. It sounds as if your son is masking at school, and by the time he comes home, he lets go of his emotions, because home is where he feels safe.

At the moment he's just started school, so it's all new. He's getting used to different routines, children, adults and is tired.

You've given him 1.5 years to 'improve' and his behaviour really hasn't. It's all very well not wanting your son judged or labelled but not seeking advice, isn't helping him long-term.

Speak to the SENCO at school and make an appointment with your GP asap.

My DC is SEN. AuDHD and a few other bits thrown in too. It helps to understand. But ultimately, bad behaviour is still dealt with and we did have some at the level your child's is when younger. Zero tolerance. We never, ever ignore it. Even if it happens at school, there are consequences at home too.

It does sound as if something isn't working right for your DS. It's hard to say what that is. Some kids do default to anger and lashing out when they are not coping. It doesn't make him evil but he will need to develop better ways to deal with tough feelings, plus you'll need to find the right ways to help him and take some of the pressure off him in the meantime.

Good idea to see the GP and also to talk to the SENCO. You said you might want some parenting advice - the GP is quite likely to point you at a parenting group while you're on the waiting list for assessments etc. Parenting groups vary but the one I went to was very helpful. (Sometimes it helps just to see you're not the only parent dealing with a difficult child, or to hear about someone else's little terror and think "well at least my DC never thought of doing THAT!" ) My DC turned out to have autism (so articulating feelings was not something he could easily do) but is now grown up and doing well.

Some other books you might find helpful meanwhile - oldies but goodies! "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene (good on how to dial down aggression); "Parent/Child Game" by Sue Jenner (good on communication and different parenting styles); "Incredible Years" by Carolyn Webster-Stratton (no-nonsense and covers a lot of ground!)

Did anything change at 2.5? Move of rooms in nursery? How is his communication- ability to speak but also understand of requests/ following instructions? Does he have any sensory issues? Is he funny about fabric/noise / smell/ food etc What tends to start melt downs, is there signs before?
Definitely speak to school and be clear about what is happening at home don’t sugar coat it. Read up on autism/ adhd/ pda etc and see what you think. Go to Gp and request a paediatrician appointment.

Somethings to try (apologies if you have already done these things -
visual timer to end activity
visual timetable so he knows what’s happening each day
try to stick to a fairly consistent routine - keep meal times/ transitions, bed time etc fairly similar
look for warning signs of imminent meltdown, try to distract with an activity, leaving the area, food etc see if you can head it off.
look for triggers to meltdowns and try to avoid them (for now you can try to reintroduce later when things are more settled)
try to keep calm during a meltdown. See what helps - reassurance, laying down, being held , giving him space. Dont shout and don’t discipline, his nervous system is in over drive overwhelming him further will not help. The laughing when you restrain isn’t because he’s enjoying it it’s a nervous response. Try to find alternatives- if he wants to throw give him cushions, if he wants to bite get him chewelry.

OP please don’t be fearful of judgement. You wouldn’t be posting if you were uncaring or insensitive to this. This isn’t a sustainable situation for DS or for you and so the environment around your DS has to change to accommodate his needs better.
The only judging would be if you did nothing. You’re his mum and his best and fiercest advocate, so please speak to the school about what’s happening at home . They will be happy that you want to work with them if they’re a decent school.

I think he is just naughty plain and simple !
If he can control himself at school he is choosing to at this age he is getting away with it at home
You have to be firm and consistent and do not let him push boundaries u must have boundaries in place plus if it sometimes works when he faces consequences again it works u have to be consistent and do t give in I know it's hard but the hard work I put in now will pay off

Sure, some kids are "just naughty" with nothing serious underlying and I agree the fact that your DS can behave in school and he is usually a kind little boy are both very good signs.

I thought "Explosive Child" might help partly because of what your DS got so angry about - it was just you sitting in the "wrong" place. Some kids get agitated when things are not "just so" and "Explosive Child" is especially good about kids who are like that. But that might not be what's bothering your DS at home.

Two of the books I suggested "Parent/Child Game" and "Incredible Years" are meant for parenting ordinary kids though they do work for kids with SEN too. I've heard good things about the Steve Biddulp book too though not read it myself.

Well children do test boundaries, whether you call it "naughty" or not is surely irrelevant. If you think you haven't been consistent enough around boundary testing behaviour, then for sure try it. Consistency is important and some children do need you to be consistent for longer. You said in the OP though that you have tried different things and they didn't help - that's why you're getting a lot of "no such thing as naughty" advice.

I think when people generally say behaviour is communication or no such thing as naughty, what they mean is that children aren't being evil or malicious. But do they cross boundaries just to see what happens, or engage in undesirable behaviours when the boundaries aren't clear? Absolutely! There's probably a semantics argument around whether it's something that the child is choosing though or whether it's unclear parenting in the first place which has created the situation where the child isn't sure what behaviour is OK and which isn't.

As OP have said, your child clearly has additional needs, especially since it started from a young age.

i think you urgently need to get a referral as waiting lists for help are so long. It could be one of a number of things but I am no doctor. Can you try moving this thread to the additional needs corner of MN or starting a new one there, people with similar experiences may be able to help.

the fact it doesn’t happen in school but happens at home is definitely “masking” and the fact that certain things make him particularly hostile are almost good in a way as there will be ways you can help prepare him.

Dont panic, there is help out there but poor LO definitely sounds like he needs additional support.

I would speak to the senco/school nursing team to see what advice they could offer. May not be SEN, but I wouldn’t say that kind of behaviour is normal at that age. My child of a similar age is very physically aggressive, but he has significant SEND. The explosive child might be a good book to read.

A friend had to go to a parenting course before they would progress with a formal diagnosis, so round here you would get something of the sort.

I fundamentally disagree with this view from a parent of two autistic girls. Masking is a thing. The coke bottle effect is a thing. Behaving at school then restraint collapse at home with your safe person is a thing.

Is there anywhere apart from home where he shows this behaviour? Please go to your GP/HV. It sounds a lot like SEN with the stress over socks and bed and complete meltdowns etc.

Sounds like you are doing your best. However this behaviour is impacting on the whole family. Don't be ashamed to ask for help, speak to school, GP etc. your other son will suffer, so you need to move forward. It's not easy but you are starting the process by discussing it. Most of all sending love

This sounds like ODD to me. Definitely speak to the SENCo and they can help you put some strategies in place.

I don't think asking school for help is the right way to go Op, I think he needs outside professional help, and you need aporopriate advice to help you manage his behaviour. I feel so sorry for you having to cope with this situation but please don't try to manage any longer without proper help

I work in a school. We have a little girl who has been with us for a while (nearly six months). She’s clever, funny, got a great sense of humour - she’s an incredibly engaging little thing. But her family are chasing an autism diagnosis because of the melt downs they said she had at home.

We had no reason to disbelieve them but couldn’t add anything to the process because we didn’t see anything.

And then a week ago she had the most almighty meltdown. As the person who dealt with it and took the brunt of her violence, I’m pleased I knew in advance it was a possibility.
It meant I dealt with it from the start as an autistic melt down and not simply a child losing their temper because they couldn’t get their own way.

When a child gets super upset normally, I’d talk to them and offer reassurance, or try and distract. I made a decision that this was the worst thing to do in that moment and so I stood back, gave her as much space as I could while making sure she was safe, and stayed quiet. Having that prior knowledge helped me - I was forewarned so wasn’t totally taken by surprise and could more clearly think about my response to the situation, particularly important once the physical aggression started as it’s hard to stay calm when someone is kicking the hell out of you. The prior warning helped me work double hard to stay calm.

I didn’t think any less of the child or the family either before or after. Im just glad they were honest at the start. They are mortified but I’ve also been able to reassure them as much as possible that they don’t need to be, and there’s no blame attached.

Talk to school.

Could you afford a few sessions of play therapy to see if there’s anything bothering him? The going rate is about £45 for 45mins. I know it’s expensive and I thought it was a waste of time at first but it really does work. The therapist will work with you and school and will have more leverage with school if you’re thinking about getting him assessed for a neurological condition.

The Explosive Child book was brilliant in helping me to put in boundaries and understand how my parenting could be adapted to stay connected with my son who was also pretty explosive. He's 9 now and whilst still a bit volatile I know better what works for him and what doesn't. Avoiding UPF's in his diet, a good amount of exercise and sleep plus nervous system regulation all help keep him better able to regulate his emotions. He also has dyslexia which we are going through assessment for. Lots of hugs, it's damn hard xx