To worry about DS future because of this

People jump to autism, but you’ve just listed a ton of real signs. I’ve been through the assessment for my DS and can tell you these are on the list. Personally, I’d keep a log of his activities at home to back up what you’re saying. Early intervention has been life changing for us, and if it is autism will help your son in the long run. If he’s doing it at home, chances are it will happen at school to another child or teacher and that’s something to get in front of now.

Worth looking into autism with pda traits
if the senco fobs you off look into approaching gp for assessment
joining groups like not fine in school will help with advice (sometimes children are exhausted by school and it all comes out once they’re safe at home)

This is so awful for you. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Don’t worry about judgement. Get help from school, see your GP for referrals for your son’s behaviour. You will probably have to push and fight every step of the way because the system is so overwhelmed but do it for yourself and do it for him. Things will get better. The more help you can get, the better the outcome for all of you.

My son was very like yours. He is adopted and has some additional needs which we didn't realise until school age. Sensory needs, attachment issues. His behaviour was driven by fear and frustration. He was very aggressive to me for years. Initially not so bad in reception but it quickly fell apart and I am glad in retrospect it did - because it made his additional needs obvious to professionals and I was able to get an echp and eventually a brilliant therapeutic special school. He is now 14 and no longer aggressive. People think he is a lovely young man.

I went on a few parenting courses which changed my approach completely. The normal time out, consequences etc does not work for all children and can make things much worse - increasing fear and frustration and overwhelm. Look at PACE, non violent resistance courses were amazing for us.

You will need to fight for help and for your husband to understand it is not just about being strict. I would start now, raising with SENCO his behaviour at home, and start from there. Wishing you well.

10 hours sleep may not be enough in reception. Its v common for kids to need 12 or even 13, both mine had to be in bed by 6.30pm and wouldnt wake til 7am.

Does he have access to screens where he could be watching things that seem age appropriate but have a lot of fighting, like pokemon?

How do you react when he hits? My daughter had a phase at 2/3 like this and we had to calmly simply remove us physically from the space we were in, with absolutely no attention, to stop it. I used to put her in a safe space and leave her for a few minutes sayimg calmly that i would not spend time with someone who hit. I also restrained her when she tried to hit her brother and told her i would not let her hit. For several months i did not let her out of my sight around him, if i saw her moving to hit i would restrain her. Zero tolerance for hitting/physical aggression from a youmg age or before you know it they are too big for you to restrain safely.

Definitely talk to the school, I would also have a look at how things are escalating, if he is kicking you for sitting on the ‘wrong part’ of the bed, how did he end up being restrained?
If I was being kicked I would have de-escalated the situation by moving away, telling him we don’t kick and ignoring him/leaving the room.
If he is over stimulated then trying to battle through it is madness and someone will end up getting hurt
If you’re trying to leave the room and he’s chasing after you kicking then of course that’s completely different, and needs to be dealt with differently,
If he’s giggling whilst being restrained it all sounds like it’s become abit of a game.
One of my children is autistic, I’ve never had to physically restrain him but he does need to decompress after school and I know not interact with him too much during that time otherwise he escalates.

That is a long time to be struggling- you need some help/guidance. Asking for help is a strength not a weakness.

Autism? Masking in school? Meltdowns at home as a response the pressure of masking all day?

Sounds very very like my DC.

Possibly mental health problems. Also possibly gentle parenting issues. Second children are often a bit wilder and need firmer boundaries.
I bet he wouldn’t like hitting if he was hit back at the same ferocity every time he lifted his hand.
My friends son is very violent, he has extra needs, he’s hard work. He went to summer school with an African Christian group, who don’t tolerate boldness or hitting from children, he was like a different child . My own DS has extra needs and is highly controlling of the people around him, where they sit, where his plate sits, he is highly strug, he has settled a lot in terms of violent outbursts. It would not hurt to book in with a psychiatrist or psychologist if you can afford it.

I dont actually think 10 hours is loads at age 4. Surely more like 11-12hrs is more appropriate, aren't most children this age in bed with the lights out by 7ish and then getting up between 6 and 7am? If he's waking up before 6am that could also be a sign of overtiredness.
Im guessing too that hes just started reception which for most kids initially makes them incredibly tired - loads need to go to bed even earlier for a few weeks while they get used to the change.

If he's missing out on 30-45 mins sleep every day that will build up into a chronic sleep deficit and make him cranky, irritable and less resilient.
Imagine as an adult someone told you, you had to set your alarm for 45 mins earlier the whole week and do without 45 mins sleep every day. By the end of the week you'd be really tired and grumpy.

You know his behaviour isn’t normal because you have an older son and know other children. You should’ve gone to the dr a couple of years ago, but going this week is better than delaying further. My dd starts school next year (one of the youngest) and I’m terrified of her being in a class with a child like that. Your son is probably going to end up seriously hurting other children.

Edit to add that it won’t be sleep like what some other posters have said. 10 hours is enough for my 3 year old and she’s never needed much sleep. She isn’t violent.

I mean thisnkindly but it seems like everyone is failing this poor boy.

Stop being so passive and get your boy some help.

It is either some form of additional needs, sounds very like adhd masking at school and then full blown crashing when home and in his safe space. Along with potentially PDA.

However, what happened when he was 2.5 that meant you noticed a shift in his behaviour? New sibling? Move of house? Family death etc? Trauma can take time to come out and at 2.5 and now 5 he simply doesn't have the vocabulary or the emotional maturity to understand and describe it.

Get that poor boy the help he needs.

OP be prepared thar if your son is fine in school, the school may not be interested. ( had a friend who was a peripatetic SEN teacher and she said there were schools she could not get to engage if the child was fine in school, no matter how violent they were to family out of school.

It would be worth checking with school how he behaves in school, though.

Your Council should have some sort of family support service. These normally give you a one to one support worker who will visit you at home. Ours is psychology led. Children’s charities often offer services, Banardoes in our area has an excellent package of services, including play therapy and also counselling for parents.

Regarding hitting. My eldest used to hit me. Went to a gentle parenting coach for advice. Made no difference. One day he started hitting me again. I held his arms as advised by gentle coach and he started kicking me instead. Something in me snapped. I turned him over, gave him three sharp slaps on his backside and told him if he ever hit me again I would defend myself by smacking him again.

He hated it and cried, but he never, ever hit me again.

He’s a teenager now and absolutely lovely.

Not saying this will work for you but it did for me. I was absolutely sick of being a punch bag. I don’t regret doing it.

I would assume there is something wrong in his life- he can't see or hear properly, or he is in pain. I would go to your GP.

There is no high quality evidence for “masking” or that children can control their behaviour fine in one environment and let it all out in another.

If your child was not fine at school and fine at home, you’d be looking for school to treat them differently and expect that it would make a difference. I think you need to first of all look at how you all behave at home as a family, that means this is his default behaviour when he’s with you.

I would agree that there are some children where a very, very traditional firm approach works wonders, and in the cases I know it has worked in anxious children who are violent - there’s just no room for ambiguity and the child is morconfident that someone is in control.

I also don’t think that letting them be controlling is anything other than a disaster.

I don’t think this is normal at all and sounds very serious. Soon he will be physically bigger than you and then potentially dangerous. I would be looking into professional help and intervention ASAP while his needs can still be managed.

Yes I have a child (now adult) who didn’t respond to traditional discipline. It just made things worse. Even now I don’t tell him stuff I negotiate with him. I still set boundaries I don’t mean there’s a free for all but he just responds better when he’s involved in a discussion about why I’ve taken a particular stance or action.

What did take the edge off was lots of exercise. He was far more amenable if we’d been to the park after school and he’d run around a lot. For a lot of children it’s not natural to sit in one spot for most of the day following instructions and being quiet. Getting out in nature is also a natural way to self regulate.

There’s a lot of good advice on this thread and it’s certainly important to get some kind of advice and support early on in case there is some neurodivergence.

Hi OP my DC is not that different but older. He can still be violent but it's rare now. He's developed better impulse control but still flies off the handle verbally a lot if anyone does anything he doesn't like.

Look into NVC / NVR, I would also suggest special time every day, and ignoring bad behaviours but not the child (research how to do this properly) / praising him descriptively as he may have just got into a pattern of getting negative attention and it sounds like punishment are not working. My DC is ND it transpires. Punishments just created absolute chaos and didn't work.

Did him being like this coincide with nursery?

I agree.

I'm not a doctor but wrong part of the bed and particularly socks being wrong shouts autism. You're very clearly a loving, concerned mother so trust your instincts. Something isn't right xx

My DD17 was really calm at school and broke down at home. Diagnosed with AuDHD at Primary. Large class sizes,
too much noise so for secondary put her in a school with small classes etc and it massively helped. Traditional discipline never worked it was more of a aim to calm her rage or anxiety.

For now just take all the help and advice you can get.

I (granny of two, career spent working with children with communication disorders) would speak to SENCO to say you have concerns at home. Agree with others that it can take forever for assessments to materialize.

Two things stand out - your DH is questioning your parenting AND you have said that you have tried everything. That says to me that you are not convinced about what you are doing. I think you should get yourself on a parenting class. You need to think about your approach, know that it is the way forward and be consistent.

The other point to remember is that you have had no problems with your first. You must have some sound parenting skills.

Consistency is key.

What's your connection and bond like? It sounds from your post as if you have a better bond with your eldest dc and that makes me wonder whether things would be better (and your youngest would feel more secure) if you could increase the 1:1 time you spend together and find ways to enjoy your relationship more.

My now 19yr old never hit but he was a nightmare when he came from school. Absolutely model student, never got in trouble ect. When he came home he used to just explode like a shook bottle of drink. He would go mental. Shouting, crying, thrashing around, telling me he he hated me. He was diagnosed AuDHD at age 8. He masked all day at school and when he come home that's when he let it all out.