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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel unsure about mainstream or specialist school for Year 3?

35 replies

FootballOn · 22/09/2026 14:52

DS is 6yrs old (almost 7) and diagnosed autistic/ADHD. Has an EHCP. In mainstream but local authority have agreed to fund specialist and a specialist placement is being sought.
this was due to his reception year where he was massively disregulated. However since reception he has progressed massively and now although he requires support he is largely happy and engaged in school. He is working at age expected levels. He is kind and friendly but has social communication issues (reading cues, massive social vulnerability) which mean he hasn’t got any real friendships. He is socially much younger than his peers and his interests are quite niche whereas the majority of his class are really into football etc
I am torn between- if offered the option of a specialist school place for year 3 at a specialist school for academic autistic kids with no challenging behaviour, or leaving him in mainstream until secondary and trying to get a specialist place for him then.
I do worry that if I don’t get him into a specialist for year 3, there is no little movement in these schools that it would be even more challenging to get a place later on and he is definitely too socially vulnerable to go to a mainstream secondary.
what would others in my position do?
i feel so unsure.

OP posts:
x2boys · 22/09/2026 15:04

FootballOn · 22/09/2026 14:52

DS is 6yrs old (almost 7) and diagnosed autistic/ADHD. Has an EHCP. In mainstream but local authority have agreed to fund specialist and a specialist placement is being sought.
this was due to his reception year where he was massively disregulated. However since reception he has progressed massively and now although he requires support he is largely happy and engaged in school. He is working at age expected levels. He is kind and friendly but has social communication issues (reading cues, massive social vulnerability) which mean he hasn’t got any real friendships. He is socially much younger than his peers and his interests are quite niche whereas the majority of his class are really into football etc
I am torn between- if offered the option of a specialist school place for year 3 at a specialist school for academic autistic kids with no challenging behaviour, or leaving him in mainstream until secondary and trying to get a specialist place for him then.
I do worry that if I don’t get him into a specialist for year 3, there is no little movement in these schools that it would be even more challenging to get a place later on and he is definitely too socially vulnerable to go to a mainstream secondary.
what would others in my position do?
i feel so unsure.

From my experience the LA will always seek the cheaper option if possible
So if they have agreed to fund a specialist school they must feel its needed
Have you had an EHCP review recentley ?
What are his teachers and SENCO saying?

Hobbin · 22/09/2026 15:09

Moving from infant to junior school (in MS) revealed a lot of unmet need in my child. He was ok in infant school but every year was harder in juniors until we finally secured a specialist placement for Y9.

I would grab the specialist opportunity with both hands. You can always look at moving back into mainstream later - no one will deprive him of a cheaper school place. I think specialist secondaries often have to put a lot of work into helping quite bruised, damaged children recover from their mainstream experiences and get their confidence back.

But all schools are different, all children are different. Look round and go with where you think he will "thrive, not survive". I think people can be surprised with what is possible academically in some of these schools. We looked round an RP once where the head told us managing in mainstream was not part of the success criteria. His life's work was basically giving autistic children access to the same education as their peers without them having to tolerate classes of 30. Most adults don't end up having to work in environments like MS secondary schools - tolerating one is not a necessary requirement for holding down a job as an adult.

Hobbin · 22/09/2026 15:10

(obviously I am biased by our experience though, and your son's may be different.)

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2026 15:59

Specialist. Mainstream is likely to get more difficult for him as time passes.

XigDoop · 22/09/2026 17:16

I would say specialist. Mainstream cant always meet SEN needs.

FootballOn · 22/09/2026 17:42

I know he will definitely need specialist for secondary and I’m torn between thinking early intervention best outcomes and wondering if it’s totally necessary at this stage, and if he would be able to wait until secondary.
it feels like such a huge step and I’m scared of getting it wrong either way.
I worry he is isolated without friends in mainstream but is he really any more likely to make friends in specialist if the classes are tiny/the other students are likely to also have social communication difficulties/they will probably live nowhere near us.
it all feels really scary.

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Holeymoley28 · 22/09/2026 17:58

From my friend experience grab specialist if it’s on offer as it’s not easy to get the offer.

Also if he stays in mainstream it’s very likely they will expect him to at least try a mainstream secondary which by the time that it shows up as a very bad idea the damage is already done to your lad which school refusal/school trauma and specialist schools already being full from those who didn’t have to try mainstream first so a long wait.

somanychristmaslights · 22/09/2026 18:02

I would ask for a meeting with your son’s teacher and senco, and ask their advice. Obviously they can’t tell the future but might give you more of an indication of how he’s doing currently.

UnbeatenMum · 22/09/2026 18:05

I think as he doesn't really have friends at school I would give the specialist a go. Presumably school have done some interventions with him over the last couple of years and tried to support him making friends?

Geneticsbunny · 22/09/2026 18:09

Where will he be happiest? Will he be more likely to have friends at a specialist school?

littleHen84 · 22/09/2026 18:15

My little boy attends a specialist setting and has communication difficulties, he has made friends across the school sometimes the friendships take shape in different forms from all sides, i would grab a specialist place if one has been offered.

Justploddingonandon · 22/09/2026 18:20

If you have the option of a specialist for academic autistic kids with no challenging behaviour I’d bite their hand off to accept, these schools simply don’t exist in a lot of areas. If it doesn’t work out you can always move back.
Though saying that my DD is now year 6 in mainstream ( due to no other choice, see above) and we are looking at an ARP or specialist for high school and the senco said it is quite common for kids to move up a level support wise then I.e. mainstream to ARP or ARP to base.

roaringdragon · 22/09/2026 18:30

One thing to consider is the upcoming SEND reforms. At the moment, no-one knows exactly what will change or exactly when, but as things stand, the changes are going to favour mainstream placements. It might be much, much more difficult to secure SS for secondary if you remain in MS now and want to change to SS for secondary.

If the LA didn’t think SS was necessary, they wouldn’t be naming SS in the EHCP.

Lougle · 22/09/2026 18:34

Grab special school. It's not going to get easier in mainstream.

NattyKnitter116 · 22/09/2026 18:42

Crikey you’re extremely lucky to have been offered this. These types of schools are unusual.
Go and visit the school, if you haven’t already, and see what your gut feeling is.
the first time I walked in to a specialist school with my son I nearly cried with relief at how normal he seemed there, which sounds odd but many will understand.

FWIW my son stayed in special ed all the way to 16, made lots of friends, had a great social life and now in his 30’s has a good job and a girlfriend and his wasn’t even for academically able kids (although he would have benefitted but there just weren’t any schools like this in travelling distance.).

Good luck.

ownedbymydogs · 22/09/2026 18:43

Take the specialist place. Grab it with both hands and don’t let go. Send him there tomorrow if you can!

I have worked in primary schools for decades and have never seen so many SEN children struggling. And mainstream schools struggling to manage the SEN.

wafflesmgee · 22/09/2026 18:45

I am a primary teacher in mainstream and 10000000 gazillion percent say accept the specialist provision.

FootballOn · 22/09/2026 18:46

Thankyou everyone for your replies. Sorry to clarify, the local authority have agreed to fund a specialist placement and so a placement is being sought, I have visited close to 20 schools and named one as my parental preference and obviously then it’s up to them whether they feel they can’t meet his needs or have space etc, so we haven’t actually been offered a place yet.
I’m also worried as a lot of schools I’ve looked at are definitely not right for him in terms of cohort but I’m worried if we were to get offered a place there and turn it down, if we would then be without a school. Although I think I’d rather that than him go to some of the schools I’ve looked at as they definitely wouldn’t be right for him.

OP posts:
roaringdragon · 22/09/2026 18:58

I have visited close to 20 schools and named one as my parental preference and obviously then it’s up to them whether they feel they can’t meet his needs or have space etc

What type of school is your preferred school? Unless it is wholly independent, it isn’t up to the school to decide if they can meet needs and have spaces. They must be consulted, but the LA must name your preference unless the LA can prove:
-The setting is unsuitable for the age, ability, aptitude or special educational needs
-Attendance would be incompatible with the provision of efficient education for others
-Attendance would be incompatible with the efficient use of resources.
The bar to prove one of the above is high. Higher than LAs and many school admit. Being full is not defined in law, and on its own being ‘full’ is not enough of a reason to refuse to name your preference. The LA has to prove the school is so full admitting DS is incompatible. It has to be something tangible and specific and is more than an “adverse effect”, “impact on” or “prejudicial to”. Unless the LA can prove one of the above, they can, and must, name them even if the school objects when consulted.

The rules are a bit different for wholly independent schools.

When the LA finalise the amended EHCP if they don’t name your preferred placement, you can appeal.

FootballOn · 22/09/2026 19:02

Hi @roaringdragon thanks for your reply, yes it is a wholly independent school xx

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MummyOre · 22/09/2026 19:05

Specialist, every time but especially now as the changes the reforms will bring, will make moving to a specialist setting even more difficult.

PoloThePolarBear · 22/09/2026 19:06

I have two autistic and academic kids - if either of them qualified for special school we’d take it like a shot.

School only gets harder as they get older, especially on the social side. And places at special schools do get much harder to get as you get older - there’s no guarantee he’d get it at secondary.

So in your shoes I would absolutely take it.

Cheezewizz · 22/09/2026 19:09

I would absolutely take the specialist place. My child stayed in mainstream until the end of year 2 and moved to a Sen school beginning of year 3

Arran2024 · 22/09/2026 19:12

Hi. I used to work in SEN and have two children who went to specialist for secondary, so had to spend primary in mainstream.

I would definitely go for specialist. It is so much harder to make mainstream with help work - imo you are always better getting the overall environment and provision right so it works in its own right. Mainstream will always be cluttered, noisy, busy....they will try to varying degrees to make your son conformable but it will be like a sticking plaster.

Mainstream is so class teacher, head teacher and TA dependent and it can all change very quickly. Also, it gets harder with the curriculum and the other children as each year progresses. By year 6 both my children were SO isolated. They couldn't access the curriculum and they had zero friends.

They both loved specialist. My elder daughter shudders at the very mention of her junior school. They have no friends from primary and no fond memories. I was like a parriah to some of the parents and teachers at primary but had lots of friends at the specialist schools.

Good luck with your decision.

Littlefish · 22/09/2026 19:18

If Specialist provision has been offered, and you have visited and are happy with it, then I would really recommend taking that offer.

No-one knows what the future holds with regard to SEND reforms and funding. If Specialist provision has been offered to you, I would accept it.