AIBU to feel unsure about mainstream or specialist school for Year 3?

Our kids both started in mainstream. Both neurodiverse.

Eldest is academically able, but struggled socially. No behavioural issues.

Youngest is more intelligent (in my opinion) & socially better but struggled with the work. I wouldn’t describe his behaviour as challenging.

Both of them completely crashed out of mainstream primary, the eldest in year 6, the youngest in year 3, quite spectacularly.

Youngest is now in specialist & potentially just coping. Keeping him in mainstream completely broke him & despite him being bright, academically he’s working at year 1 level rather than year 7. His mental health hasn’t recovered & I feel like we’ve destroyed his future. I wish to god we’d moved him
sooner.

Eldest is back in mainstream in secondary, but in a “nurture” class so his exposure to the larger mainstream school is lessened. He’s quite vulnerable socially & we’d hoped that this would be better as we’d never be able to secure an ehcp for him. In reality the “nurture” class just seems to be where they put all the kids who have challenging behaviour. He struggles no less with them, probably more in fact as there’s less people to “find his people” from. Not a day goes by where he doesn’t have an issue. A lot of it is just kids being kids, but he just doesn’t understand why they’re so mean & takes it really personally.

The school aren’t helpful. I’m sure they try their best, but they’ve only reviewed his support plan once since he started 2 years ago & that was because we repeatedly asked for a copy. Because he’s well behaved & isn’t outwardly a mess, he’s just not on their radar.

I’m not sure how he’ll get through the next 3 years, but without an ehcp & other local schools being in a similar vein, I don’t think moving him is an option. I wish we’d fought harder for him earlier.

100% specialist. It gets more difficult the older they get.

My elder daughter was ok in infant school where the teachers and head teacher were so kind and inclusive. Then she went to the next door junior school and omg what a difference. At infant school she was included in everything, especially the plays, where she always had a proper part. Right through junior school they just had her say "welcome to our play", no part. It was awful. They just wouldn't risk her messing it up. She knew she was being side lined. Playtime was awful.

Definitely special school!! Places are hard to get you are lucky to get offered one, there is more chance of a better education as the class sizes will be smaller

Specialist no doubt.

My honest opinion is that unless mainstream is definitely right for a child, then it's wrong. There is so much more support in specialist. At one point, some people were quite negative and acted as if all kids should be in mainstream or it wasn't "inclusive", but what matters is your child. Yes, it's more expensive, but I've known people who say they'd never have been able to progress and do the jobs they do as adults if they'd not been at a special school (that was the term they used, in case anyone wants to comment).

So, yes, for wholly independent schools, you need an offer of a place/for them to agree to being named.

It is worth directly contacting all schools you think may be consulted yourself to ensure they have an accurate picture. LA consults are notorious for giving an inaccurate or partial picture.

Oh dear. That's not good. When my daughter got to specialist secondary they took part in the Shakespeare schools programme and she was Gertrude in Hamlet, performed on the stage of a local theatre!! (well, a section of Hamlet tbf). At her year 6 leaving show, she had a non speaking part - honestly, it was awful.

Your son will have so many more opportunities in specialist.