AIBU to suggest skipping a baby meet-up with a sick child?

I think the problem is that upper respiratory infections are very commonplace and coughs can go on for a long time. Some people will need to be more cautious of these things but if you're not one of these people you're unlikely to give it a lot of thought or change your plans over a minor illness.

I think that the two of you simply approach this in different ways and it sounds like the other group members feel more similarly to her than to you.

mine Is one of the many families that has to worry about these things. People who knowingly circulate disease are absolute assholes.

You should not have even needed to say anything. They should know better.

It might have been more sensitive to contact her directly and aim for a dialogue - which would be asking questions rather than making assumptions and telling her what to do in public.

Then you may have found that her baby was teething so no infectious risk to your unwell extended family or that they had chicken pox etc so were a risk. She could have then said she was coming anyway and then you could have decided not to go to protect your family.

Can you see how this approach would have given you more information and more options?

I understand that you are under enormous pressure with new baby and terminally ill parents. I am sorry for your experience.

YANBU and she was being a bit selfish. However, she might have felt you were being a bit condescending by pointing out they were going abroad soon so should stay at home, and maybe felt her parenting was being attacked. You could have stayed home to avoid them.

Could it have been that your message wasn’t received as being polite as you intended it to be op?
I say this as it seems the whole group have reacted to your message by not responding to your future messages

I don't think that there is a polite way to tell people what to do like that even if phrased in a nice way. We've all got our own problems and situations that we manage and most of us will ask for advice when we want to, we don't want to be told what to do.

I think that you need to work out how you will manage this OP, you need to be realistic about how much people outside of your situation will make decisions in your best interests rather than theirs.

I'd want to say it, but would probably try not too! And possibly say i was avoiding the event as I didn't want germs before holiday

I think you needed to say something more like

“Can you let me know if you’re still planning to attend the meet up? Just to let everyone know, I won’t be able to come to meet ups if anyone there is unwell due to having terminally ill family members we need to protect”

Then the onus is on you and your circumstances not bossing them about.

I think you should take responsibility for yourself and your family members by skipping it, not expecting her to.

I must say if I were her I wouldn't attend anyway, but since that's her decision all you can do is what's best for you and yours.

Having said that, all these meet ups with people and their babies/children largely increases your own chances of getting ill anyway.

If it was confirmed baby was poorly with cough/cold something potentially infectious etc and not just teething -
then I certainly would not have attended myself and exposed my own baby. I’m on my third baby now and I know I cannot protect them from coughs and colds all autumn and winter long, but I wouldn’t knowingly expose them to a poorly baby.
they shouldn’t have brought their sad crying baby to a meet-up that’s just selfish.

I think for babies and young children the unspoken rule is if they are well enough to go to nursery, they are well enough for meet ups/play groups ets. Nursery still takes babies with coughs, colds, teething etc, so I would expect them to still turn up.

If you want to avoid getting ill, then I think it's on you to not attend.

I think if your baby is sick, then stay at home on the one occasion. When babies get older then it's not such a big deal as colds are easier to deal with, but knowingly bringing a sick baby to a baby meet up is frustrating to most (if not all) the other parents.

That said, I would have just not attended, or sat as far away from them as possible. It's hard to ask people to change their lives because you have sick relatives - that's up to you to manage.

If you want to avoid getting ill, then I think it's on you to not attend.

Yes, I'm really surprised the OP took the risk.

I feel it kind of invalidates everything she said about her terminally ill family members.

The baby is 7 months old, so it's not like she would be aware of missing anything.

I agree with this. It isn't really on for you to suggest what people do, and just FYI we are about to enter the season where every child under 3 will probably have a cough or a runny nose, so it's not really practical to suggest they skip things everytime someone is ill. I do however understand and empathise with your situation, perhaps you could suggest outdoor activities if you're worried.

Also, the OP has one child.

The babies who have siblings would probably never leave the house, if the parents had to wait until there was absolutely no sniffles or coughs in the house.

Unfortunately OP I think you might have burned a bridge here by telling her what she should do and not taking the ownership yourself to do what protects you and your family.

You have no idea what was wrong with the wee one and how dangerous it was, but you obviously know that groups of babies and children tend to be germ pits. If you need to protect your own family then you need to risk assess - it's very likely that 11 babies will always have some sort of germ cycling around, it's sometimes the time period just before being symptomatic where people are most contagious anyway. So I think you should consider if this risk is worth it to you.

As the babies get older and start nursery (or any of them with older siblings / cousins / etc etc) they'll be building their immune systems up and have loads of mild illnesses. Agree with others that once everyone is a bit older it's based on if they'd go to nursery that day - so fever or stomach issues no thanks, but a cold or a cough or being a bit snotty - carry on as usual. Everyone can't stop every time there's a bit of an illness or they'd never leave the house.

I understand you not wanting your baby to get poorly I do OP but you can only control what you do, not what others do and it was a bit rude to try to tell her to not go, it wouldn't have gone down well with me either. As the person who needs to avoid baby becoming poorly you should have avoided the meet up.

This is very well said and reflect my position as well.

If you felt uncomfortable you could have sit this one out, but with 11 kids in the group it's likely there will always be one with some kind of illness. Colds and sniffles are constant at that age, particularly if they've started nursery.
You could also have suggested meeting outdoors for instance.

In addition, babies that age don't interact unless actively encouraged by the parents. They shouldn't shared toys etc, whether they're visibly sick or not.

It’s hard to say without seeing the text, but perhaps your ‘polite suggestion’ didn’t come across that way? There’s a big difference between ‘Oh no! What a shame. If you guys aren’t up to coming don’t worry, etc.’ and ‘Perhaps it would be a good idea if you didn’t come today’ for example.

I do think that if the other group members have also changed their attitude towards you and were awkward at the meet-up, it’s likely your message has indeed come across in a very different way to that intended. Without seeing it, it’s hard to say for sure, but I’d maybe think a bit deeper on the way you worded it and consider whether an apology to the woman might be appropriate to smooth things over. Even if you feel justified in your intentions, the execution might not have been the right way.

At end of the day, you can’t control the actions of other people. It’s probable she felt she didn’t need someone suggesting that she do X or Y as she’s an adult and has agency over her own decisions. As do you, which in this case could have been a decision to avoid the meet-up yourself as you were the one who has the issue with her attendance - no one else, at least in public, raised any concerns.

@YourGentleGoldCat, any thoughts on the replies so far?

It’s your request - that everyone avoids coming near you if they are sick - but that means that you need to be the one to act on this request rather than it be that people are expected to sit out.

You should have been the one to not attend OP.

Coughs, colds and sneezes at this time of year are common. Just because that Mum and baby may have chosen to not attend, there’s every chance that there could have been a person on say the next table to you with something else. One of the parents could equally have had a cough too, but just not said. Our house is rife with it at the moment

I do understand though - I had cancer about 5 years ago and had a very low immune system for a while. We had an elderly relative visit who was full of a chest infection and even said “oh I shouldn’t have come to visit with this should I” yet continued to stay. DP was too polite to say she should leave. I’d actually ended up with sepsis from just a very minor cold to give you an idea of how low my immunity was. And yes - there were some things we sat out of just in case.

I've got a child who for a long time I had to be careful with immune system wise. The onus was on others to be honest with me about bugs (it's the polite thing to do regardless IMO) but the responsibility lies with me, and only me, to decide whether to go or not.

When it's family members you have to be careful about and not the child (so one step removed), even more so.

And realistically, many of the babies are going to spend much of the next six months with runny noses and coughs. That's just winter with babies and toddlers. Obviously there are limits, and it sounds like this baby was borderline, so things like D&V should obviously be kept away.

My motto for this is - My child, my family, my responsibility.

As others have said, I would have elected not to go rather than tell them they shouldn’t.

I’m surprised you choose to be around that many people and babies so regularly if you are trying to protect at risk family members. Surely the chances of at least one adult or baby having something viral is quite high.

Completely agree. Once I realised she was attending I would have sent my apologies and hoped people put two and two together.

The problem is, at this age the children all pick up bugs and share germs, it’s impossible to completely avoid and so telling someone else you think they shouldn’t attend is an overstep in my opinion.