AIBU to suggest skipping a baby meet-up with a sick child?

But why would the sick family bow out?

They're not asking anyone to hold their baby and catch its germs.

And given how many of the adults and babies will always have illness in the home (especially as we're heading towards Winter), no-one would ever go anywhere.

Besides, the OP isn't even bothered as she knowingly chose to go anyway, so she's pissed the other mother off for no reason.

ETA: Ahh apologies, did you mean the OP being the sick family or the other mother with the sick baby?

The etiquette should be ‘are any sick babys coming if so I can’t risk it due to my family’ and then the sick family should bow out

Some people ask others to remove shoes in their home. Knowingly trampling dog shit through someone’s home and then saying “you can’t avoid all dirt” springs to mind here.

I think it’s a really hard one with young children, especially this time of year, because depending on the definition of “poorly” babies/toddlers especially ones who regularly attend playgroups or nursery etc seem to just bounce from one illness or bug to the next from now until March/April. There is rarely a child at nursery drop off throughout the autumn/winter months who doesn’t have a snotty nose or a cough and so you can’t avoid everyone forever but in your situation I would try to stay clear to protect yourselves

but you only had her babies and everyones best interests at heart to avoid passing on whatever her child had.

Christ, do NOT do this.

You might as well say, "Well Sharon, since you didn't give a shit I thought someone else should".

Everyone here is choosing to meet up with their babies despite knowing there could be many sick siblings passing their illnesses on, even though they're not in attendance.

And as a PP said, she'll make herself look like a hypocrite for turning up anyway.

This. Most illness are contagious before symptoms especially kids ones, so if you want to avoid them, unfortunately you are going to have to stay away from others. When yours goes to nursery Theyll get everything going anyway, Im not sure how you will avoid that.

Where you were put of line was telling another mom not to go when you didn't even really know what was going on with her kid.

I would have directly asked the mom in question if her baby was possibly infectious, and explained about being around someone with a very compromised immune system. If a respiratory illness, I would have not gone. The onus is on you to protect the immunosuppressed person, not for the other mom to stay home so you could go. For all you know, her baby was teething.

Maybe open a private chat with this mother and apologise if she thought you were being rude but you only had her babies and everyones best interests at heart to avoid passing on whatever her child had. If it's too awkward with this mother choose another mother who you may be closer too and ask if she thought you were rude, it wasn't your intention and what should you have done/said to them knowing your situation. Tbh I think it was quite selfish of her to bring her sick baby to a meeting with lots of other babies.

YABU. You were rude for no reason, really. You knew she was coming and you went anyway, which made you look like a hypocrite to everyone.

God help you when your baby becomes a toddler. They catch a bug every other week.

The OP suggested the mother keep her baby at home because apparently they all know that the OP and her husband have terminally ill relatives.

Then the OP went and took her baby anyway.

That's more odd.

How odd. Could it be something else you’ve accidentally done instead? The reaction seems a bit extreme.

“My baby was unwell and so I posted it on the WhatsApp chat. Someone had the audacity to say she hoped the baby got better, get some rest for our holiday. I suspect there was also a subtext that she wanted me to miss out rather than make others poorly too. Cheeky fucker! It is my right to be miserable about what my baby is going through and spread that misery to other babies and families. The rest of the group agrees”. OP, if there’s no more to this story, then yanbu and their attitude is really weird.

I am in 2 minds. It is hard to get out of child doesn't have some form of snot going on.

I also don't like those that judge.

New mums and WhatsApps don't always go well. But if you are really worried about bugs avoid places like soft play, play groups, and anywhere with bugs and kids...

So it is about navigating your personal situation and what life is with young children...snot and bugs

I'm Autistic, OP, and I think your 'polite suggestion' was really patronising.

I do understand where you are coming from OP but I think the general feeling is that babies are ill so often at this age with colds and they are all building up their immune systems.

So the onus is on you to avoid if you know there is an ill baby there. The others clearly don’t mind.

I would try and back peddle a bit as it clearly hasn’t gone down well. I’d say ‘Sorry if I came across as overbearing- we have some terminally ill family members and are travelling abroad soon so trying to avoid all illness. Thanks for the heads up with any ill babies/people. We will skip any meet ups if people are under the weather. Thanks again.’

I have long Covid so have to be cautious- but the onus is always on me to miss out not dictate what others do. Everyone has different approaches to illness especially colds. I really wish we’d take them more seriously in this country and stay at home when ill but we don’t.

OP surely the onus is on you to protect your family members? If you were that worried then why did you attend? Other people can’t be expected to do what’s best for you and your family. Maybe their baby was just teething. I think it’s bad form to suggest someone else isn’t welcome in a public forum so I’m not surprised at their reaction. Personally I would reach out to her and apologise.

If some is going to keep their poorly child away from other people, they’re going to do this because they think it’s the right thing to do. They’re not going to do it because it’s been suggested by another parent in a WhatsApp chat. At least she was giving you notice she was bringing an ill child and you could choose not to go, but there was no way your message was going to land well.

Completely agree. Once I realised she was attending I would have sent my apologies and hoped people put two and two together.

The problem is, at this age the children all pick up bugs and share germs, it’s impossible to completely avoid and so telling someone else you think they shouldn’t attend is an overstep in my opinion.

As others have said, I would have elected not to go rather than tell them they shouldn’t.

I’m surprised you choose to be around that many people and babies so regularly if you are trying to protect at risk family members. Surely the chances of at least one adult or baby having something viral is quite high.

I've got a child who for a long time I had to be careful with immune system wise. The onus was on others to be honest with me about bugs (it's the polite thing to do regardless IMO) but the responsibility lies with me, and only me, to decide whether to go or not.

When it's family members you have to be careful about and not the child (so one step removed), even more so.

And realistically, many of the babies are going to spend much of the next six months with runny noses and coughs. That's just winter with babies and toddlers. Obviously there are limits, and it sounds like this baby was borderline, so things like D&V should obviously be kept away.

My motto for this is - My child, my family, my responsibility.

It’s your request - that everyone avoids coming near you if they are sick - but that means that you need to be the one to act on this request rather than it be that people are expected to sit out.

You should have been the one to not attend OP.

Coughs, colds and sneezes at this time of year are common. Just because that Mum and baby may have chosen to not attend, there’s every chance that there could have been a person on say the next table to you with something else. One of the parents could equally have had a cough too, but just not said. Our house is rife with it at the moment

I do understand though - I had cancer about 5 years ago and had a very low immune system for a while. We had an elderly relative visit who was full of a chest infection and even said “oh I shouldn’t have come to visit with this should I” yet continued to stay. DP was too polite to say she should leave. I’d actually ended up with sepsis from just a very minor cold to give you an idea of how low my immunity was. And yes - there were some things we sat out of just in case.

@YourGentleGoldCat, any thoughts on the replies so far?

I do think that if the other group members have also changed their attitude towards you and were awkward at the meet-up, it’s likely your message has indeed come across in a very different way to that intended. Without seeing it, it’s hard to say for sure, but I’d maybe think a bit deeper on the way you worded it and consider whether an apology to the woman might be appropriate to smooth things over. Even if you feel justified in your intentions, the execution might not have been the right way.

At end of the day, you can’t control the actions of other people. It’s probable she felt she didn’t need someone suggesting that she do X or Y as she’s an adult and has agency over her own decisions. As do you, which in this case could have been a decision to avoid the meet-up yourself as you were the one who has the issue with her attendance - no one else, at least in public, raised any concerns.

It’s hard to say without seeing the text, but perhaps your ‘polite suggestion’ didn’t come across that way? There’s a big difference between ‘Oh no! What a shame. If you guys aren’t up to coming don’t worry, etc.’ and ‘Perhaps it would be a good idea if you didn’t come today’ for example.

This is very well said and reflect my position as well.

If you felt uncomfortable you could have sit this one out, but with 11 kids in the group it's likely there will always be one with some kind of illness. Colds and sniffles are constant at that age, particularly if they've started nursery.
You could also have suggested meeting outdoors for instance.

In addition, babies that age don't interact unless actively encouraged by the parents. They shouldn't shared toys etc, whether they're visibly sick or not.

I understand you not wanting your baby to get poorly I do OP but you can only control what you do, not what others do and it was a bit rude to try to tell her to not go, it wouldn't have gone down well with me either. As the person who needs to avoid baby becoming poorly you should have avoided the meet up.