AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

Thank God you remember her previous thread(s)!
I thought I was just getting Dejavu

Nothing has changed, he's not going to suddenly find some dignity.

It's really your choice now - continue funding his "passion" and SFTU or get out of this marriage.

You know op
This is your choice to put up with this man
And if you had children I could understand it slightly
But you don't have children
It's very easy to get a divorce
Plus the longer you stay married he gets more money from your pension and from the house
Cut him of now ,the longer you stay married the more he can claim from you
He won't change ..and he will be a nightmare if you have children

He does not sound a kind or decent man and it sounds as though this scenario is longstanding.

I can understand how daunting it might feel to end a marriage whilst you are up to your eyes in the mad work pace of a junior doctor; but that will be the case for many years to come and it might as well be now as further down the line.

He’s not going to change so you’ll have to ask yourself whether you want to live the rest of your life like this and have children with this man.

Your'e only 29. It's time to cut your losses and move on to an equal partnership with someone else.
He'll never change (well maybe for a few weeks or months to placate you) He'll slip back to his ways.
He thinks he found his money train with you. He's a cocklodger.

Leave or kick him out while you can. I'm 20 years (and a child) further on and it doesn't get better.
It's the resentment (of the entitlement/laziness that is corrosive.
For some couples it works but they both need to agree it - if you don't - it just builds more resentment.
Its not just the money - its the time as well and lack of respect

What is your living arrangement?

Op are you still on foundation training? The pay is low in medicine when still training for the 2-3 years after uni but it goes up fast, by 2-3 years after foundation training it gets to 70k or so and consultant salaries are huge. I know quite a lot of doctors and they have all made it to consultant by late 30s, its a slog but you'll get there.

You are obviously still young, your partner sounds like a real leech, get rid.

@Stressedbadlydressed Take his his words on board and go and find someone else - find yourself! You’re young, a doctor with your whole life and career ahead. You can travel the world as a doctor, live anywhere you choose. Don’t saddle yourself with this horrible, horrible man. See your own worth and leave him. Wishing you all the best for a brighter future.

I married at 22 thinking my xh was the man I wanted to spend my life with. Two years later and with a baby, I knew I made a mistake. He kept changing jobs because the employer was an arsehole or whatever excuse he could think of. He did shit around the house or supported me with a newborn - he actually resented his own child because he cried and he couldn't watch TV in peace.

It took a lot to talk to my parents and accept my son and me were in trouble. I didn't want to accept I've made a mistake because I felt such a failure.

Unlike you, I was still in Uni working casual jobs but still took me too long to make the decision to leave him. Fear of change is more about fear than change. 3 years later I met my wonderful DH.

You are the only person that can end this marriage - he won't do it. By ending it you give yourself the opportunity to find someone you value and respect as a future partner. Until you close this chapter in your life, you won't be ready to open a new one.

All the best

I had a similar experience @Stressedbadlydressed - I was a lawyer and my ex husband an aspiring musician. I pulled the plug pre-children after a long relationship but short marriage and got a clean break in return for a relatively small lump sum but kept both my houses.

Please do the same or this parasite will bleed you dry and if you have kids you’ll feel completely trapped.

It doesn't sound like he's going to change. Are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life? And for goodness sake don't have kids with him.

I think it's pretty normal to lose all attraction to a bloke who won't pull his weight either financially or at least in some other form. But definitely financially. Your marriage won't work like this - you are disgusted by him because he is a bit lazy and useless. Better to split now than later when there are children involved.

He sounds horrible, OP, I am sure you can do better.

Then tell his mother that if she want’s her precious little boy to pursue his ‘passion’ she can fund it herself !! Cheeky mare needs to realise that it’s the hours he works as well as what he earns that counts. You earn more but you work nearly two and a half times longer per week than he does. When do you get time to pursue your ‘passion’ ? Tell her to butt out of your marriage and tell him to increase his hours or you will be bringing the gravy train to a screeching halt.

OP, I have an arts background but I work to support myself as all arts (painting, music, acting, writing) are a pyramid with just a few at the top making money and the vast majority not making anything like a living. Your OH is pretending not to know this.
I've known many people like your OH and I've known many relationships end (involving children and homes) when one partner realised they were being taken for a mug. You need to end this as every day you stay, you are confirming that it's ok to sponge off your hard work and 'adulting'. His mums attitude to your hard won salary is shocking but should tell you clearly how you are viewed. You really can do better.

And he’s proud of this ? And what he means it ‘you’ll make it work’ because it will be you who will be expected to earn more, as well as doing the childcare. He’s an arse OP. Don’t have a child with him and rethink the marriage as a matter of urgency. He’s a lazy, selfish git.

He said I’m “jealous” of him, because whilst I’m working a 12 hour shift in hospital, he’s done 4 hours of work, and does whatever he wants in the other time.

I don't honestly even understand how his brain works. He thinks it's some kind of a win that he works as little as possible and you, the sucker working 12h days, are funding it all?

Maybe a harsh question - but is he any good at his passion?

I read that thread. Not comparable at all. The woman stayed at home to raise kids and was then a housewife. There was a mutual agreement between her and her DH that she would be the homemaker, and as I said on the thread, he had a corporate career and was a high earner - she facilitated that and I doubt she sat around doing nothing all day. If the agreement between them was that she stay at home then both share the responsibility on what the marriage dissolving at this stage will mean for both of them. He can’t have his cake and eat it too, which is what a lot of posters on that thread seemed to think.

This OP is completely different. She’s unhappy with the division of labour and earning power and her DH wants to concentrate on what’s essentially a hobby rather than actually making an equal contribution. And the DH in the previous thread sounded very generous towards his wife, whereas this OP’s DH’s sounds self centred and very unpleasant - not to mention enabled by his mother, who seems to think the whole marriage is OP’s responsibility to maintain.

DH has told her if she doesn’t like the situation she should find someone else. I’d bet the farm this is the best suggestion he’s made for a long time, and OP should take his advice.

Your best option is to get rid of him now while your salary is still quite low and there are no children because otherwise, come 10 years, you'll have all the same resentment, a house (assets) and children and you'll be taken to the cleaners.

Fr the record, I have no issue with families where, for whatever reason, it is decided that one person in the couple will work lses. But the contribution has to still be there. Whether that's house management, children etc etc. And clearly there's fuck all of that here.

I hope you said, yep, great idea, I will be finding someone else!

You're absolutely not unreasonable to resent him making this choice. Your hard work is funding his hobby. He's not wealthy enough to work part time in order to pursue his passion. He needs to be working full time and passioning in his evenings and weekends. If he wants to live the life of a peniless bohemian artist, he's welcome to but you shouldn't be forced to fund his current lifestyle.

How old are you both? You start getting into very murky financial ground if you're stumping up the whole deposit for a shared mortgage. Especially if he's assuming that the status quo will remain.

His mum sounds like she's also identified you as his meal ticket. He can't just ride on your financial coat tails forever. Of course, if you were happy to earn more and support the partnership of the two of you that would be different but it does sound like your life has all these stresses and responsibilities and effort and he needs to reevaluate how he lives his life.

If you truly believed in him as an artist, you wouldn't be here asking the question. When a couple has an imbalance in income and paid work hours it's usually and often because of care responsibilities that are part of the partnership of the couple but in your case, it's all him, it's all his own benefit. And that's what's galling.

He was always like this, but you chose not to see it.

you can’t make a man, you can’t change them or expect them to do so if they’re not willing to.

the clues were all there

you’re not earning enough to “keep a man”, he’ll never change and this is the millstone you have around your neck

ypu don’t have kids, but if you did, he’d be default carer for them and WHEN you got tired of the endless pressure and slog to keep the plates spinning and divorce him, he’d probably get custody AND you’d have to pay spousal maintenance

get out now love. It’s not going to change

My dear, he is not the match for you, it is over, your values no longer align.

It’s not just the money, it sounds like on many levels you are both unhappy. Cut the cord and release yourself.
If you get out now you have many years of freedom ahead, to further your career, to travel, meet someone who aligns with you, who respects you, understands compromise and being in partnership. This ain’t it.

Prepare yourself for the ‘I’ll change’ story - maybe he’ll be so bold as to get a job. It will be unlikely to last and it sounds as if the damage is long done.

Lazy, entitled sponger who shows no sign of actually liking or respecting you.

Why are you bothering?

Two years counts as a 'short marriage' legally, so a simple financial split where you each leave with what you brought into it. Get out now before he has a claim on your assets and pension.