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Original poster

To think my husband did not go too far and they should just get over it ?

312 replies

ForFancyNavyLion · 20/09/2026 14:03

AIBU to think my husband did not go too far with the comment?

Husband and I have two boys. Our eldest has just started school this September and our youngest isn't even 4 weeks old.When we had our first, DH took 6 months paternity leave because his workplace offers it. He then spoke to work and took another 6 months unpaid. We got used to looking after our son and sharing everything, and honestly it was lovely. My side of family have never really understood it. A lot of the older women in my family made comments about why DH would want to take so much time off and seemed to think it was strange. His family are much more progressive about it. His dad actually said that if he'd had the opportunity to take a year off when his children were young he absolutely would have but it wasn't really a norm back the. Not saying it is the norm now but lots more places are starting to at least offer 6 months paternity.
We've now had our second baby and DH is doing exactly the same thing again 6 months paid paternity followed by 6 months unpaid. It works for us financially and more importantly, it's what we've both agreed we want.

Last week we went to my aunt's house. She's in her early 80s and was meeting our new baby for the first time.At one point the baby started crying and DH took him from me to settle him. DH too does a lot of the nappy changes, feeds, getting up in the night etc because we're both his parents and that's just how we've always done things.My aunt watched DH with the baby and said to him, "Isn't that your wife's job?"DH laughed and and carried on.
Her daughter, who is in her 50s, then joined in and started ranting at DH about how men and women have different roles, how he shouldn't be doing everything for me, etc. DH initially tried to laugh it off but she kept going and eventually he snapped.

He told her: "oh fuck off If you focused more on your weight nosey what I do for my family wouldn't matter to you." The room went completely silent. I was honestly shocked. I agree that she was being incredibly rude and I don't think there's anything remotely wrong with DH taking paternity leave or looking after his own children. But I also think bringing her weight into it was completely unnecessary.

DH says he doesn't regret saying it because she'd been going on at him for ages and he wanted to shut the conversation down. He also pointed out that she had no problem criticising our marriage and parenting while apparently being offended when he responded. I think he could have told her to mind her own business without commenting on her weight.

My family now think DH needs to apologise I have told my mum to just let it go if the aunt and her daughter are that upset about it, its not as though she sees my husband often. This is not the first time someone has snapped at the them, it happened over summer from a different relative.

OP posts:
NotAtMyAge · 20/09/2026 15:58

SwanRivers · 20/09/2026 14:06

He told her: "oh fuck off If you focused more on your weight nosey what I do for my family wouldn't matter to you."

And you've had two kids with this rude prick?

I'm so sorry.

I prefer to judge by deeds, not words, and a man who involves himself so consistently in the care of his young children would be worth far more to me that someone polite to everyone, but not willing to lift a finger to help his wife with the children he fathered. Yes, it was an inappropriate comment, but their persistent criticism of his parenting and his marital role was far more inappropriate.

WheresThatCatGoneNow · 20/09/2026 15:58

x2boys · 20/09/2026 14:10

Hmm

I'm totally with the husband!

There's obviously a lot of history within that family - leading up to the recent fall-out. 😱

zingally · 20/09/2026 15:58

Both in the wrong, but honestly, Aunt shouldn't give it out if she can't take it.

TamarindCottage · 20/09/2026 16:00

NotABlessedFruit · 20/09/2026 14:28

Team DH.

Absolutely entertained by fact that some on MN think sexism and "it's wife's job" is lesser issue than weight dig

Edited

Same here. I read this to my husband and we laughed. I wouldn’t personally have mentioned the aunt’s weight, but in the heat of the moment I may well have told her to mind her own fucking business

Eightfor15 · 20/09/2026 16:00

AshCullen1894 · 20/09/2026 15:38

Not sure why he attacked her appearance. Nobody in this incident covered themselves in glory.

Because the miserable old cunt had just been talking about her weight it was the previous topic in their conversation.

From OPs posts, it seems a condensed version is

Stupid cunt: "I really need to watch my weight....oh, you shouldn't be parenting your own child"
DH: "Concentrate on your weight, not my parenting"

Yet everyone is calling him for fat shaming. Had she not been ranting about her weight, he probably wouldn't have had it in his head for the comeback.

LBFseBrom · 20/09/2026 16:00

Alwayschillyatnight · 20/09/2026 14:08

Live by the sword, die by thebsword. She should have backed off when asked. I perso ally would try and avoid personal insults, but i can understand he was pushed past the point where he was able to moderate that. He could maybe say 'I shouldn't have commented on your personal appearance, but I will not apologise for asking you to back off' but that's the most i would suggest.

Yes, that sounds right to me.

roxyro · 20/09/2026 16:00

So what he snapped and mentioned her weight? Why do women (I’m one) expect to behave appallingly and get away with it? She needed telling and he was right, she should focus on herself not you and your husband.

TunnocksOrDeath · 20/09/2026 16:03

It’s been going on for four years, and he’s snapped once. Personally, I think he’s shown remarkable restraint.
Sadly a lot of people can’t be reasoned with, and the only way to get through to them is a shot across the bows. It’s probably the first time in ages they’ve even given a 2nd thought to the impact that their voiced opinions have on those around them.

KarlMarx · 20/09/2026 16:04

I think you should have stepped in long ago - since they are your family members - and told your aunt and cousin that their extremist misogyny was unwelcome. You and your husband both should have opted out of visiting them long ago if they couldn't refrain from voicing their prejudices even after being asked. But I'd also wonder why your husband chose weight or size as a basis of insulting your cousin - it seems like there was plenty to criticise about her words and behaviour without resorting to that type of insult.

Nobody should apologise on demand; there's no point if the person apologising isn't sorry, and if they were sorry they would have already apologised. It's also a double standard if they are asking him to apologise for his apparent bigotry when they have not apologised for theirs. But I'm really not seeing the problem here - what's the negative consequence if he doesn't apologise? If it's that these family members stop speaking to you then that sounds like a desirable outcome.

Chilly80 · 20/09/2026 16:06

They need to apologise first as they started it

Coconutter24 · 20/09/2026 16:06

Stormyrose · 20/09/2026 14:50

So then don’t go round there if neither of them are capable of dealing with the comments or formulating an articulate response.

poor kids.

Show quote history

So don’t visit family incase they are rude to you? Interesting you put the onus on OP and her DH

Coffeewinecake · 20/09/2026 16:06

The room may not have fallen silent because of the weight comment.
It may have because of the DH’s tone/swearing or because finally someone/he has put the aunt and her daughter in their places after years of handing out insults.

Original poster
ForFancyNavyLion · 20/09/2026 16:08

Sxwer · 20/09/2026 15:56

Why have you repeatedly gone back for more if they are so awful and attacking you both like that?
What strange people, even stranger IMO to put up with this for years.

Despite me having different views to them, they are my family at the end of the day and to my aunt my children are the closest grandchildren she will ever have unless the other family members decide to 'uncut them off' In a way I feel sorry for them, even my parents say that they feel sorry for them. Maybe for some it is easy to cut family members off but not for me. Dh has a really supportive family and in a way just feels sorry for the various aunts in my family that have a lot to say about his parenting decisions. He has known my side of the family since we were in our late teens and even back then he used to say he feels sorry for my aunt, she often had to included in every big family event because she doesn't have anyone else but family, I don't even think she has friends really

OP posts:
Original poster
ForFancyNavyLion · 20/09/2026 16:10

KarlMarx · 20/09/2026 16:04

I think you should have stepped in long ago - since they are your family members - and told your aunt and cousin that their extremist misogyny was unwelcome. You and your husband both should have opted out of visiting them long ago if they couldn't refrain from voicing their prejudices even after being asked. But I'd also wonder why your husband chose weight or size as a basis of insulting your cousin - it seems like there was plenty to criticise about her words and behaviour without resorting to that type of insult.

Nobody should apologise on demand; there's no point if the person apologising isn't sorry, and if they were sorry they would have already apologised. It's also a double standard if they are asking him to apologise for his apparent bigotry when they have not apologised for theirs. But I'm really not seeing the problem here - what's the negative consequence if he doesn't apologise? If it's that these family members stop speaking to you then that sounds like a desirable outcome.

Who said I have never stepped in

OP posts:
allthingsinmoderation · 20/09/2026 16:11

2 wrongs dont make a right...
If you can afford for your DH to take 6 months unpaid paternity leave thats up to you,if your husband shares caring for your children, thats up to you. if your realatives think that strange and comment negatively on it thats wrong ,if your Dh is rude in response thats also wrong.

SweatySpider321 · 20/09/2026 16:13

I think they deserved it. In your husbands shoes l would not be apologising or giving it anymore head space. They sound infuriating both with the interfering and weight preoccupation. The way you or your husband run your lives is none of their business

Dumbledora8 · 20/09/2026 16:13

Maybe your aunt and her daughter shouldn't dish out criticism if they can't take it!

Laura95167 · 20/09/2026 16:14

I think its mainly your fault for not shutting down your relatives sexist rude comments.

He was rude but also she deserved it. Taste of her own medicine tbh

NancyThompson · 20/09/2026 16:14

That was an horrendous thing to say. He had every right to shut the conversation down firmly at that point, but he lost all moral high ground when he went for a horrible personal insult.

Notasbigasithink · 20/09/2026 16:16

ForFancyNavyLion · 20/09/2026 14:03

AIBU to think my husband did not go too far with the comment?

Husband and I have two boys. Our eldest has just started school this September and our youngest isn't even 4 weeks old.When we had our first, DH took 6 months paternity leave because his workplace offers it. He then spoke to work and took another 6 months unpaid. We got used to looking after our son and sharing everything, and honestly it was lovely. My side of family have never really understood it. A lot of the older women in my family made comments about why DH would want to take so much time off and seemed to think it was strange. His family are much more progressive about it. His dad actually said that if he'd had the opportunity to take a year off when his children were young he absolutely would have but it wasn't really a norm back the. Not saying it is the norm now but lots more places are starting to at least offer 6 months paternity.
We've now had our second baby and DH is doing exactly the same thing again 6 months paid paternity followed by 6 months unpaid. It works for us financially and more importantly, it's what we've both agreed we want.

Last week we went to my aunt's house. She's in her early 80s and was meeting our new baby for the first time.At one point the baby started crying and DH took him from me to settle him. DH too does a lot of the nappy changes, feeds, getting up in the night etc because we're both his parents and that's just how we've always done things.My aunt watched DH with the baby and said to him, "Isn't that your wife's job?"DH laughed and and carried on.
Her daughter, who is in her 50s, then joined in and started ranting at DH about how men and women have different roles, how he shouldn't be doing everything for me, etc. DH initially tried to laugh it off but she kept going and eventually he snapped.

He told her: "oh fuck off If you focused more on your weight nosey what I do for my family wouldn't matter to you." The room went completely silent. I was honestly shocked. I agree that she was being incredibly rude and I don't think there's anything remotely wrong with DH taking paternity leave or looking after his own children. But I also think bringing her weight into it was completely unnecessary.

DH says he doesn't regret saying it because she'd been going on at him for ages and he wanted to shut the conversation down. He also pointed out that she had no problem criticising our marriage and parenting while apparently being offended when he responded. I think he could have told her to mind her own business without commenting on her weight.

My family now think DH needs to apologise I have told my mum to just let it go if the aunt and her daughter are that upset about it, its not as though she sees my husband often. This is not the first time someone has snapped at the them, it happened over summer from a different relative.

Roll reverse and you'd get different opions on here I'm sure!
Funny how people get offended when they're pulled up on their behaviour; its the only thing they have left to cling to!
Good on your husband for not taking any shit!

Janetwin · 20/09/2026 16:17

I think your aunt and her daughter need to apologise to your husband! What horrible people they are. They absolutely should not have gotten away with harassing him. He sounds like a wonderful father. You need to stick up for your man.

TalkToTheHand123 · 20/09/2026 16:17

I'd agree two wrongs don't make a right and all that, but it's quite funny. She shouldn't dish it out if she can't take it.

theyneverchangedothey · 20/09/2026 16:19

In my experience, people who have no compunction about being rude themselves are the least able to accept other people being rude to them. So many people can give it out but can’t take it. Tough shit, they need to learn some manners. I’m Team DH, I wouldn’t be expecting him to apologise.

BCBird · 20/09/2026 16:21

Telling her to fuck off and commenting on her weight is unacceptable . Her comments were u welcome I understand. I don't however understand how someone needs to react in the way your husband did. Maybe I am totally wrong but, I presumed with the package re paternity and extended paternity leave, that he would have a reasonably responsible job? If so i am sure he would not behave like this in the workplace

MellowSubmarine · 20/09/2026 16:24

He shouldn’t have brought up her weight, but if she’s slagging off his parenting then she’s got a nerve attempting to take the high road now.