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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he the bastard I think he is or am I the problem?

64 replies

Jey2044 · 19/09/2026 18:41

I’m hugely hormonal at the moment so I don’t know if this has just broken me because of circumstances or whether next week I wouldn’t think this would be such a big deal.

Ex usually sees dd 5 for two weekends in a row then one weekend off. This is due to his work and rota. He gets the rota every 3 months. Every time it is coming up I ask him to ensure he isn’t back to back working shifts and he organises so he has consistency with dd. If that can’t happen due to colleagues’ plans then he sometimes books annual leave for a day or two to ensure he sees her. I can’t underestimate how little he does for her practically. He never once did a nursery run and unlikely to do a school run. I would love it if he did more for her as I am exhausted working full time. And yes I’ve asked.

every time the rota is arranged he won’t tell me straight away. I feel like it’s a form of abuse which I know sounds dramatic but it’s so controlling. I am hanging on by a thread at work etc and need to know the weekends he will actually be part of her life. When I say weekends, he turns up at 11am Saturday and leaves 5pm Sunday, staying in a hotel overnight. So he gets a full break even when he’s here.

AIBU to find this very controlling? And totally lacking any awareness of why I need to know these dates as soon as possible? I feel like my every moment is just given to work, dd or in the hands of ex. I know there is childcare options etc but I am not made of money. Just feel so sick with stress, I can’t plan anything.

OP posts:
Doctordoolittle · 19/09/2026 18:43

He needs to be taking her somewhere that isn’t your house so you can have a break.

Nimblethimble · 19/09/2026 18:44

Do.you have any other childcare options such as family? If so, I would arrange with them and let him tell you when he's free - if you've made other arrangements, too bad (for him).

If you don't have alternatives you have my sympathy having to deal with him.

Original poster
Jey2044 · 19/09/2026 18:48

The only reliable alternatives I have are paying for childcare and I just can’t afford it. I never feel angry usually but today I just really do. He gets the blank canvas of time while I’m scrambling to sort out work every day and plans for dd.

OP posts:
Boobyslims · 19/09/2026 18:51

Why wouldn’t you angry? He’s calling all the shots and being pig ignorant to you. I don’t get the “I never feel angry usually” - he is being a dick all the time. You should be angry.

do you have a child arrangement order? Is there any requirement of when to provide notice for weekends?

Original poster
Jey2044 · 19/09/2026 18:54

@Boobyslims no there’s no order. He doesn’t give a shit anyway, he wouldn’t engage with an order. He thinks he’s an absolute pillar of society and if I went to court he’d just say he had too busy a job to commit

OP posts:
OneOfEachPlease · 19/09/2026 19:00

Is he paying maintenance? If not, I would get that sorted out through CMS. They can take it from source.

Anothercake · 19/09/2026 19:16

So he has her most weekends? And the rest of the week she's at school? Surely you can pretty much predict the schedule, it's a lot more time off than most parents get.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/09/2026 19:19

Do you want him to have her? If not, just assume she is with you and drop out of the planning.

Passaggressfedup · 19/09/2026 19:23

If he stays in a hotel, is it because he lives further away? How far away? Ultimately he travels Saturday mornings and Sunday evenings three times a month. He is obviously not going to be able to do any drop off to nursery.
Who moved away and why?

lazyarse123 · 19/09/2026 19:27

Anothercake · 19/09/2026 19:16

So he has her most weekends? And the rest of the week she's at school? Surely you can pretty much predict the schedule, it's a lot more time off than most parents get.

Read it again he doesn't have her every weekend and is controlling about letting op know when.
Why is parents having a break a competition?

BrilliantBetty · 19/09/2026 19:28

When did you come to this childcare arrangement? It sounds like it isn’t working and needs to be reviewed. It seems he has her very little while you’re also working full time. Perhaps you need a more balanced arrangement?
You have to do every school run - why? Split the week

TwinklyAmberSloth · 19/09/2026 19:32

@Jey2044 why isn't she staying with him?

TELL him he is having her once a month, Friday to monday. He picks her up from school, has her all weekend, and takes her to school Monday morning.

Boreded · 19/09/2026 19:35

Anothercake · 19/09/2026 19:16

So he has her most weekends? And the rest of the week she's at school? Surely you can pretty much predict the schedule, it's a lot more time off than most parents get.

no it isn’t. And this was unhelpful

Original poster
Jey2044 · 19/09/2026 19:37

Anothercake · 19/09/2026 19:16

So he has her most weekends? And the rest of the week she's at school? Surely you can pretty much predict the schedule, it's a lot more time off than most parents get.

@Anothercake i wish it was a break. It’s catching up on running the home, work that I’ve had to postpone due to school pick up time and sorting things to prepare for the coming week. There’s also no time for me to do exercise or see friends or hardiness or dentist etc I have to squeeze it all in. it doesn’t feel like a break 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Jey2044 · 19/09/2026 19:37

OneOfEachPlease · 19/09/2026 19:00

Is he paying maintenance? If not, I would get that sorted out through CMS. They can take it from source.

@OneOfEachPlease yes I had to claim cms

OP posts:
Original poster
Jey2044 · 19/09/2026 19:38

WallaceinAnderland · 19/09/2026 19:19

Do you want him to have her? If not, just assume she is with you and drop out of the planning.

@WallaceinAnderland i do want him to have her as it’s almost impossible to be a lone parent and work full time

OP posts:
CamillaMcCauley · 19/09/2026 19:39

I don’t have a lot of helpful advice as I know that it’s impossible to get a man to be a better parent than the shitty one he has decided to be, but you are certainly not wrong to think he’s a bastard.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/09/2026 19:43

Jey2044 · 19/09/2026 19:38

@WallaceinAnderland i do want him to have her as it’s almost impossible to be a lone parent and work full time

Show quote history

I think your life would be calmer and you could set up good routines if you take him out of it entirely. If he actually wants to see her, you could tell him you need 7 days notice and plan according to that. Otherwise, take the stress out of your life.

Do you just have one child?

NetflixAndKill · 19/09/2026 19:45

i’m so sorry to read what you’re going through, but just know that you’re not alone. I am going through something incredibly similar. My ex partner has our child every other weekend and once on a Friday for tea. He will often cancel the Friday for tea and not let me know he’s never around to help does no school runs, appointment clubs, activities, parents evening, School assemblies. He absolutely refuses to parent and every other weekend is the only time he parents and usually my son comes home to say he’d been left with his older brother on the Saturday evening. I’m at my Wits end. My son is eight almost 9 and he’s starting to see it for himself. It’s sad but this man completely refuses to parent with me. if I called he ignores me, if I text he ignores me he has no involvement and no want for involvement with his child. What can we do?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 19/09/2026 19:56

If you just accept you are doing this alone it might be easier - then you can at least drop the planning and organising

why is he coming to your house?

my 5 year old would be fed up of she had to stay in the house all day waiting for her dad to show up and hang out there - we get up and out for the day on the weekends

he sounds like a loser but what’s the point in chasing him to parent if he’s useless and unreliable

Pumpkindice · 19/09/2026 19:56

Anothercake · 19/09/2026 19:16

So he has her most weekends? And the rest of the week she's at school? Surely you can pretty much predict the schedule, it's a lot more time off than most parents get.

It's not about time off, it's time for the OP can work without paying all her wages on childcare by the sound of it.

wherearemypeople · 19/09/2026 20:09

I feel for you OP, it sounds like you aren't getting any breaks and also the time you have free is irregular and he'd being controlling about the notice he gives you. i'd find that very difficult to cope with.

I assume he doesn't actually have your daughter overnight when he is visiting, is there any chance of him actually doing more than just visits in the future?

Original poster
Jey2044 · 19/09/2026 20:19

I’ve contacted again and said I’m really struggling and could therefore do with dates now he has them because otherwise I will need to arrange childcare. No response. It just feels like abuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jey2044 · 19/09/2026 20:27

I can’t understand what he gets out of withholding the information. I just don’t understand it.

OP posts:
CamillaMcCauley · 19/09/2026 20:59

Jey2044 · 19/09/2026 20:27

I can’t understand what he gets out of withholding the information. I just don’t understand it.

Control over your emotions. Power over you. He’s probably angry that you separated and feels “helpless” that he has responsibilities he’s expected to fulfill as a parent and he “lets off steam” by doing things that he knows make you feel angry and helpless too. This is a pretty well-known psychological mechanism.

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