Is he the bastard I think he is or am I the problem?

Does he keep DD in the hotel with him what happens during contact?

It’s going to be better for you and your mindset if you plan for him not to be there - then when he is - stop and relax !! The housework can wait your health can not!

Plan him not being there and when he is it’s a bonus - but ensure he takes her to the hotel - tell him starting x date you can spend time at the hotel and have her overnight at the hotel. Then stand at the door ready with her bag etc

Having him in our home is not a break for you

What does your court order say about when hes to advise you of his shifts? If you haven’t got a court order, get one.

You need to go to court and get something official in place. He’s calling all the shots here and is not being fair.

Before you upset the applecart, just remember that he doesn't have to turn up at all. He should be doing better, he should be gaving overnights, but you can't make him. Your child is getting to an age were she can ask him directly if she can stay with him etc. Things are about to get easier, children grow up. You can get as many court orders as you want, he can then decide to bow out. So only go down that route if he will keep access going. Unfortunately this is the reality for a lot of women. In five years the can take herself to and from school.

If he chose to move far away, unless he truly had no choice to do professionally, that she was never a priority and that won't change.

Yes, it's hard to be a single mum working FT. I did it with two children and no help at all. Their dad only had them about 5 hours every Saturdays and never during any of the holidays. I had to work out a schedule for eac of them and approached other working mums so that I had their children on some days and they had mine. Some days, I had 6 of them! Rest of the time, they were in holiday clubs. To make it worse, he paid no maintenance at all.

It was all worth it though. My children are now adults and are amazingly well adjusted working hard in good careers. We are extremely close. They are fully aware that I gave everything and they are very grateful. They have next to know relationship with their dad.

You get what you sow, and however hard it is now, it will pay off.

Posts like this make me laugh.

She can try for a fairer arrangement until she's blue in the face, but he can do whatever the fuck suits him- and will.

Surely you knew this?

It’s about control/power/laziness! The best thing I ever did for my children and I was to accept that their Father was a waste of space and that I was on my own entirely. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion but the peace I’ve felt since it is immense. I know it’s difficult, I also work full time and two of my children have ALN, one severe. Stop asking him, let him offer and chase you. As a PP said - if he leaves it till last minute and you have already made plans then tell him this. Life will be difficult and you won’t get much of a break but it means he stops being such a big part of your life. Make sure you have the optimum child maint. amount in place and maybe look for alternative jobs. I now WFH nigh on full time and it makes a huge difference in my flexibility. I feel for you, I’ve been there and it’s tough.

I completely feel your frustration OP. XP is like this. It's the only tiny bit of control he can still exert over you, and yes I'm sure he's getting a thrill out of how frustrated and inconvenienced you are over this.

I would drop the rope Op! Check out your entitlement to help with childcare and just sort out your own routine.
Tell him when your daughter is available and then just leave him to it!
I know it’s hard doing everything yourself but at least you would remove the stress of the situation & stop him controlling you.
And yes he’s the total bastard!

stop micromanaging stuff
Tell him it's his job to do all this life laundry

I don't think OP works weekends, she said she uses her weekends to catch up with chores.

i wish it was a break. It’s catching up on running the home, work that I’ve had to postpone due to school pick up time and sorting things to prepare for the coming week. There’s also no time for me to do exercise or see friends or hardiness or dentist etc I have to squeeze it all in. it doesn’t feel like a break

If OP stops relying on him, and let's face it she has to because he is so unreliable anyway, she can make some changes and re-organise her life so that she can cope better. She only has one child.

Her ex is just another stress and the easiest to remove from the equation. OP needs to set some boundaries which are controlled by her, not him, so that she is not reliant on him at all.

OP mentioned in an earlier post ex considers himself to be a pillar of society. If he is eg a doctor and HAS had to move to get a new contract, a court would be sympathetic to the fact he does shift work but still wants to see his child. So is doing what he can. If he's back home to support a footy team then there will be less tolerance. As you will be well aware, or should be, what society accepts from male NRPs is very different to the much rarer female NRP.
So i dont think we have enough info to