Is he the bastard I think he is or am I the problem?

This arrangement isn't working. It's not clear if you work weekends. Why can't he ever have her through the week. It just sounds a chaotic arrangement all to suit him.

Don't waste your time and headspace on him. He can do what he wants, that's up to him. All you can control are your own actions. Honestly, why are you running around after him. If he doesn't give you dates in time then he can't see her, it's that simple. It's up to him to arrange it or it doesn't happen.

Focus on yourself. Get a routine that works for you. Does your dd go to breakfast and after school clubs?

He should be taking her to the hotel with him.

friend of mine does that every other week as his ex moved home to care for her mother. No need for him to be bringing her back to you for the overnight.

He enjoys the control he has over you. I’d be considering taking that by telling him that you need the dates he wants your Dd with X amount of notice or you’ll be organising childcare as you’ll be working. Only took actually sticking to that once with my ex before he stopped that game.

Why doesn’t she stay in the hotel with him?

How far away did he move?

Are his family not involved at all?

that's so sad for your daughter. my eldest sons dad has always been on and off and he lives in another county by his own choice and would prioritise raves and new GFS and all sorts but he hasn't seen our son in 5 months now and tbh my son hasn't even mentioned it. He is 8 and has autism and I think he doesn't quite understand the dynamics of relationships but it's heartbreaking as a mum to watch someone who should be on the same level as you with how much you love and care for this child. I couldn't imagine seeing my son so little and going about my day like life was fine. I don't know how some parents do it.

Just tell him you have organised childcare. The more you ask the more power he holds. Appear not to give a shit
I hope you claim cms.

His Very Important Job needs to benefit his dd.

Honestly, you might be better off just acting like he is not in the picture. Plan for him not being around and when he does tell you that he is coming up for the weekend say "oh I didn't hear from you so we made plans - sorry. Maybe she can see you for an hour on Saturday afternoon" or even "oh I didn't hear from you so we made plans sorry - can't do this weekend - if you let me know in future when you get your shift, then I'll make sure it works" and keep doing and repeating.

I know it is hard being the only parent with no break. But what he is doing is doing your head in. Not relying on him at all might be emotionally easier on you.

Is he seeing your dd at your house? Just stop that right now. he moved away - he has to figure it out.

Stop communicating, be unreliable and go out for the day when he might turn up. Have him chasing around after you. He'll soon want to pin down a schedule.

TELLING them doesn’t work.

Why do you need to remind him everything about his shifts. He’s a grown up, so treat him like one.
you have no time to exceed oer or see friends - kindly, you can have time and you do have time you just to organise your life better

I’d try to stop organising your entire life around facilitating his contact. He’s her parent too - let him do some of the legwork. Tell him you need his dates by a reasonable deadline and, if he doesn’t provide them, make your own plans.
Your daughter is still small. Take her places with you, invite friends over, build a life that doesn’t depend on whether he happens to be available that weekend. If he ends up having her fewer nights than the number used for the CMS calculation, get the calculation updated accordingly.
I also think some counselling might help -
not because your feelings aren’t valid, but because you sound completely exhausted and as though his rota has ended up controlling your ability to enjoy your own life. You can’t make him be a more involved parent, but you can stop carrying the responsibility for making his parenting happen.

Do you work weekends?

If not, take the power back. Tell him what weekends DD is available for him and he can see her or not, don’t wait for him to dictate when he’s coming. If DD’s availability clashes with his, then he needs to communicate better and arrange it with work.

If you need him to have DD while you work then that’s a bit different, and possibly harder to work around.

Did he have to move for work, or was it a choice? That does make a bit of a difference.

Go to a solicitor and get a more beneficial custody arrangement.

"oh I didn't hear from you so we made plans sorry - can't do this weekend - if you let me know in future when you get your shift, then I'll make sure it works" and keep doing and repeating.

This is absolutely the way to go. He will have two choices. If he wants to see her, he will start being cooperative and provide the schedule that you need. If he's not bothered about seeing her then you can completely remove his work schedule from your life and build the routine that works for you.

You will feel so much better and it will be easier to cope when it's just the two of you. Most people can fit one child around their working week, even if working full time, it just takes a bit of planning and re-jigging.

Imagine a life without him. Does that sound less stressful to you OP?

Yes but Op doesn’t want to have her daughter at the weekend because she needs him for childcare. OP is so stressed because she wants him to take her and he won’t say when he will. It’s not a case of making her own plans because she needs DC to not be there/be looked after for her to do her plans.

Does it though? I mean, in the end, what takes priority? Being a present, effective parent or a job / career? Any mum on here who said she left her kid behind and only saw them every few weeks cos of work would be crucified.

He's the bastard, but as others are saying, he loves having the power over you, when you're asking him about his shifts, and he's silent. Then you chase him up, he loves that he can control you in this way.

So as they've said already, STOP asking him. If he wants to see her, he's an adult, he can contact you and arrange it. Just carry on your life like he doesn't exist, and if he happens to contact you to arrange, then fine. But stop trying to be the organiser, you've enough to do, if he wants to see his child HE can do the organising.

And use some of the tips already mentioned...if he contacts you on a Friday evening, saying he'll pick her up tomorrow 11am, "Oh I hadn't heard from you and so we arranged a day out, please give 7 days notice next time". Rinse & repeat.

As soon as you step back, and just arrange your life for you & DD, you'll feel lighter and less stressed.

Isn't this what most of us have to do? But without the weekends off, if we have partners 'at home'? It's rubbish he withholds the key information though, that's a way to control you & that's horrible for you. I've been there & got the damned t-shirt. Hope you find a way to get through this.

Honestly this isn’t going to change so you need ways to let it go or work with it. It may feel like that’s letting him “win” but actually he’s the one getting the better of you right now. I would plan my life as a single parent and treat any solo weekend time as a bonus.

He should take her to the hotel. That way you get most Saturday nights to relax or see friends. Can you arrange that?

While you can’t make someone be a good parent, can you appeal to his reason and common sense? If it were me, I would send an email saying:

“Look, I know you have a busy life, but by not doing more actual parenting of X, you are risking your future relationship with him. This is the time when bonds are formed, and you’re missing the opportunity. He won’t be little forever, and soon enough the outside world will claim his time and attention. If you want a good relationship with him as a young man and if you want him to visit you when old, you really need to be doing more for and with him now, in these formative years. Don’t throw these years away. Children remember. Just my advice.”

I know the part about a busy life is shit, I just put that in bc the aim is to get the point across, not to get his back up and start an argument.

That’s what I would do.