AIBU to wonder if family should know about a hidden child?

The father has exactly the same rights and responsibilities as the mum if he's on the birth certificate.

What's the reason for the child's mother wanting this to become public knowledge? That, for me, would be the deciding factor. As you are merely a family "friend", I'd stay well out of it.

I don't think a child should ever be a secret. The priory is the child and their feelings and wellbeing. The grown-ups around them should handle it like mature adults.

If the parent is NC from their family because they are toxic and/or abusive then no, I don 't feel they have a right to know and it could well be in the child's interests that they don't.

If that's not the case then yes, but the information should come from either the parents rather than any well meaning outsiders.

Why doesn’t he want his family to know?

Ah god I hope my donors other children don’t know about me.

I don’t want people crawling out the woodwork like hey I’m your sister or brother. I’m aunty so and so. Nope no thank you. It’s why despite being interested in my family tree I’ve never actually done anything and won’t do anything like an ancestry dna thing.

Now if my husband had a child that he had created while we were together sure as shit I’d want to know.

Also on that point though I have family that I don’t want to even know my children exist and I’m their parent so it’s up to me and I’d be pissed if someone else was talking about my children to people I don’t want to know about them.

Has your friend asked you to seek advice on here?

I think the reasons for/against can be complicated. If your mate won't pay child support/share in the parenting, and the baby's mother wants his parents to encourage him to do so, I think that's understandable.

If she wants to tell them solely to embarrass or shame him, I don't think that will have the outcome she wants. She can, of course, tell other people, so it will likely get back to your friend's family at some point. I think the more pertinent question is why your friend wants to keep his child a secret from his family? Is he planning on having nothing to do with the child? Or does he think his family would be a bad influence?

You asked if a future partner should know he has a child. My answer to that is, absolutely. Aside from the fact that I would have no interest in someone who didn't support their own child, think of the potential ramifications - if your friend chooses not to pay child support and the mother later claims it, this will impact any joint financial decisions he and his new partner make; an adult child could one day show up on their doorstep, wanting to know their father...

Keep out of it. It's not your secret to share.

If the mother wants the child to have contact with the father’s family then yes. Otherwise, no.

I say this as a lone parent who left when pregnant due to domestic violence. I could have contacted my partners family to let them know about my sons existence but chose not to in order to protect him. He has two half-siblings who I doubt know he exists and I doubt my ex told any of his family I was pregnant and if he did has probably told them the kid wasn’t his and that’s why we split up (as he accused me of that even though it isn’t true). I would rather his whole family didn’t know my son existed and are shocked/surprised as adults if he chooses to find them rather than risk his violent father making contact with him through them.

If you are not the mother, you don’t know he is the father

As the mother of a child whos "dad" hasnt acknowledged their existence nor told any of his family.... stay the hell out of it!

The consequences for the child involved could be awful!

My (half) brother is a hidden child for no other reason than the father didn't want anymore children, split and ran.
I honestly think family members do have a right to know their own blood relative. Purely and simply because I think it's absolutely disgusting that a child should be shunned for something they are completely innocent in and the pain that comes with knowing you have a whole other family who knows nothing about you.

Over the years I wanted so badly to say something, but never did because I don't feel it's my place. I do think mums have a right to disclose that information. If the family want nothing to do with the child, nothing has been lost. You're still in the same position. But there is so much more to potentially gain for the child.

That's on him for not telling his mum.

If she's happy to lose you rather than accept that, she's no friend anyway.

Why doesn't he want them to know?

I haven't picked one, as the answer I have doesn't fit. It's nothing to do with you so stay out of it on that score.

On the side of hidden children the family do have a right to know. I was bought up not knowing I had two half brothers, by my late father first marriage.

He died when I was 18. I found out when I was 36. The train or emotional destruction he left behind for us all I wouldn't even know where to start explaining.

Yes we meaning my brother's and I have a good relationship however the emotional damage has left us all with lifelong scars, mental health issues and need for a lot of different therapy

And she has the right to decide if she wants to make a life with a man with a hidden secret child!

I think really it’s up to each family do the parent for that parent to tell them.

So if mum doesn’t want her family to know that’s her choice much as if the man doesn’t want his.

None of this granny would be so sad. Unless it’s an extra marital child nobody should be ambushed.

I think apart from cheating it should be down to each parent what their family knows about their child.

At the end of the day it’s nobody’s business but the parent themselves who knows about their child ultimately.

Even the cheating doesn’t need to be about the child but the child is the evidence.

If i was a close friend of extended family, then I think I would say something. If I found out one of my best friends had a DGC they knew nothing about I dont think I could keep it from them and I hope they wouldn't keep it from me,if our situations were reserved. I definitely want to know about it. But if I wasn't a very close friend Id keep out if it.
Why doesnt the babies father want his family to know? Ultimately, unless the relationship would be very damaging, its not fair on the child.

Ultimately it’s up to the mother as to what she does. I think the child has a right to know its grandparents and siblings etc.

Arnie S’s situation comes to mind…

Some of my father’s family did not know about me due to me being illegitimate but it was actually his parents (my grandparents) that wanted it kept secret. They are now dead and everything is out in the open but I never had a relationship with my father’s family until they died. Everyone in the situation should do what is best for the child and I think it should be the mother that does the telling or at least decides when/who to tell. I have my own children now and I would like to know if they had secret children. If you think the extended family would welcome the child I don’t see why it would be a negative tbh the more family the better. I am delighted to now have a relationship with my fathers side of the family and that my children do too

i absolutely would tell, the fucker should be held accountable and grandparents/aunties/uncles could have a relationship without involving the cunt that provided the spunk. i’ve known it to happen. i’m the type of person that would tell without anonymity and give any him and any potential backlash both barrels, but telling anonymously is better than not telling at all, if you are the timid type.

People want to tell because they love to gossip even when they try and justify it to themselves it about them sharing gossip it isn't about anyone else