AIBU to wonder if family should know about a hidden child?

An unknown cousin - my uncle’s illegitimate son - turned up at my uncle’s funeral. Nobody had known about him and it was too late to ask his recently deceased father about him. Some of the family were cautiously interested but when he introduced himself to me I just walked away. Don’t know or care if anything came of it.

I’m happy with my lot and will not welcome any unknown family members whatsoever. Even if there turned out to be children I didn’t know I had I would not contact or reply to them. They would be adults now, so they can manage without me.

Not sure where to start with this one….

illigitimate is an offensive term and is no longer used.

You don’t sound like you have much empathy or compassion.

I’d stay right out of it.

Genuine question @Mynameisdennis..

What gives you the impression you have the right to get involved?

Sometimes it is far kinder to leave things alone. One doesnt have to speak one's mind.

Unless you’re the parent of the child it’s none of your business. You can never know what the dynamic is between family, even if you think you are a close friend of them, and you don’t know why somebody might not want to tell their family something like this. The father may have very good reasons for wanting to keep his parents and siblings etc away from his child.

why doesn't the Father want his family to know about this child? I think the Mum is well within her rights to tell the family about the child.

is the Father being a parent or was it just the sex bit it he was involved in?

You can't put someone on a birth certificate if you are not married. And you can go to court to get your name put on if mum declined to tell you the date and time of registration.

Why excuse a man for pretending one of his children doesn't exist?

I know that. I have known a mum who didn't want anything from the father because he was abusive and so she registered the birth on her own (which is what I meant) and they went their separate ways. She didn't want to be tied to him (moved countries back to England in fact) and he was quite happy not to have to pay up.

Obviously it's a different situation here as the mum wants to tell his family.

Agree. I’ve been introduced to new family members who likely I would have grown up with and I just welcomed them. Ime, they’re the ones blindsided and I cannot imagine what that feels like on top of the emotional turmoil that comes with the decision of whether to contact said family and the courage to actually reach out to them and hope they will try to get to know you.

Saying that, other family members can decide not to and it’s likely better that the family member doesn’t deal with those family members anyway.

Basically do people have a right to know about extended family?

Short answer - no they don't. This is not what I'd call a basic human right by any stretch of the imagination.

Longer answer - if you mean whether it's best for people to know about extended family, this depends on the situation. If a pregnant woman is trying to go NC with an abusive family then of course it's best that they don't know about her child, for instance.

Most relevant answerr - regardless of any of the above, OP, it's certainly not up to YOU to do anything about it in this situation. Keep your beak out and don't delude yourself that your desire to spread gossip has any higher moral purpose.

I think a future partner should know that he’s the kind of shit who hides a child’s existence, definitely.

@Uricon2Totally agreed. “Reasons” of selfishness!

I think so, unless to do so would put a child in danger.

I’d tell. Not my secret to keep or worry over. Since when does a child have no right to know their family? Good or bad it’s the life you’re born into.

You can put someone on a birth certificate if you're not married. However it doesn't immediately mean pparental responsibility from a legal perspective, that does require court input. At least that's how it was in the early 90s when my son was born. His father is on the biryh certificate although we weren't married. As I recall he just had to be there in person to do it.

Both parents have to be present if unmarried for father to be named on the birth certificate.

Yes, exactly.

My exH had a child with a woman right after we split and he left her when she was pregnant (he's a peach) and had no contact with her or the other child since. Very randomly myself and the mother of his other child both ended up moving to the same village in a different part of the county and do occasionally exchange messages about our children. She doesnt want my exH's family told about the child and Ive respected her wishes. I did tell my daughter though when she was 14 because the child is a boy and attends the same schools as her and I didnt want there to ever be a situation where they unknowingly became romantically involved.

I think you misunderstood, if the father wants no involvement, the mother cannot put him on the birth certificate, however much she may want to.

Also, if the father is violent and abusive, the mother has very good reason to conceal the pregnancy, birth, or registration of the birth from the father and therefore prevent him from being on the birth certificate.

The kind of father who keeps a child a secret, probably isnt likely to be winning any Dad of the Year awards any time soon. If I were the mother, it would depend on any previous relationship/knowledge i had of the rest of the family. I had an amazing relationship with my paternal grandparents, aunts and uncles despite the fact my own father would cross the road to avoid me. I wasn't a secret though, my dad was just an asshole.

Sorry, the way it came across was that you can't have the father on the birth certificate at all if the parents were unmarried. I get that it depends on the circumstances, so am sorry if I did misunderstand, I've only had one cuppa after a crap night.

I only came on this thread because I was told by my DF shortly before his death last year that I most likely have a half brother out there after 57 years of only child status, but he also didn't want the pot stirred so I'm supposed to just keep calm and carry on. Yeah, no idea what to do with this information as it's very conflicting. On the one hand I'm glad he was finally able to unburden himself, and given the circumstances, I can't judge. On the other hand - WTF Dad????

Unless you are the mother it is nothing to do with you. If you are the mother your duty is to protect your child from this level of rejection or drama

Why does he not want his family to know?
The mother needs to decide who is more important, her child or the father. For me, the child wins every time. They have a right to know who they are, where they come from, who their family is.
You know, so presumably others know too. This has the risk of the family finding out from someone else and has the potential to cause all kinds of difficulties.

Poor child, father hiding them and mother trying not to have a row with him. Team child here (based on limited and slow drip info),

IMO the child is central here. No one should be hidden like a dirty secret and they have a right to know where they came from.

The most you can do it to talk to all involved advocating that secrecy is not such a good idea for x,y and z reasons. But don’t push it if it’s not readily received.