AIBU to wonder if family should know about a hidden child?

@Mynameisdennis Are there any personal facts about you, OP? I would like you to tell me these personal facts because I want to contact your family and let them know.

On the matter of Wills, a person can leave money to whoever they want in a Will. It does not have to be family at all.

The family left out or unknown too, have no claim providing the person was of sound mind when they made the Will. Legal advice must be sort before a will can be contested.

In the majority of cases Wills cannot be contested. I have a legal background and probate knowledge hence

Potentially he is a violent drug addled murderer and the mother wants to hide from him and his family for good reason.

If it is him trying to pretend to be whiter than white and refusing to pay maintenance while saying the mother is a nutter etc, then I might think about it...

In my view, this is a clear-cut case of no involvement from the other family being welcomed. So you would not be doing the 'right thing' by sticking your nose in where it is not welcomed by the parent in question.

Who is your friend in this situation? The GP? If so can you speak to the father and explain why you are now in a difficult situation?

If it's the mother all you can do is support her.

OP, I would talk to him about this again and ultimately I would probably tell him the he needs to tell his family before I do. It’s unfair on everyone but him and won’t remain concealed. His life will be much harder trying to keep the lid on this.

I had this situation in my family. My cousin was estranged from her parents and brother from her early 20’s. Married and had children. Her parents were eventually informed of this (by her mother’s sister) but never saw their grandchild. Both grandparents are now deceased.

I knew, but also didn’t really speak to my cousins parents so I didn’t tell them. My cousin’s husband actually told me that he was going to inform my aunt and uncle as he felt they had a right to see their grandchildren but he never did. I think my cousin gave him an ultimatum and threatened to leave him if he did.

My aunt and uncle were tricky people but would have delighted in their grandchildren. It’s very sad. I no longer really see this cousin or her husband. She’s a difficult person, too. But I think it’s a ridiculous level of stubborn and cruel because my aunt and uncle were not bad people in any way.

Why did he tell you @Mynameisdennis ? And what did he say when he asked you not to tell his mum?

Unless the child is yours then no you should keep out of it

It would depend on the reasons it was being kept secret. If he was denying paternity then as the mother if I thought my child would benefit from knowing the extended family, I would tell them. If he was involved I'd assume he had good reasons not to want to tell them.

If I was not related to the baby myself, I'd mind my own business either way.

Friend had it at her school where the siblings didn’t know about each other and they were in the same school. Grandmother went to a parent’s evening and asked the child who his family was as he was the spit of her son. Luckily the children were in opposite year groups didn’t know/date each other. Dad didn’t know he had a son. Painful for all involved and one of the children moved school just before their exams.

I agree with telling the life partner especially if they are planning on having children too.

Eeek, tell the dad that you can’t keep this a secret from your family friends and he should let them know because it will be much better coming from him? Or stay out of it entirely. But O appreciate effectively you would need to lie to do that and personally I wouldn’t lie to a friend about something like this.

Family secrets cause such pain.

I was in this mother's position. I gave the father plenty of opportunities* *to tell his family. He didn't, so I did.

Nothing changed in my situation because they are not good people. If the grandmother you are friends with would be devastated you need to tell her sooner rather than later.

YABU. Keep your beak out of other people's business. The person may have their reasons that you know nothing of. You have no right to toss this hand grenade into a family. Go and do something useful.

If the father was responsible and arranged an adoption so someone took his place, then privacy is acceptable. Otherwise, his future partners have the right no know. Abandoning a child is the type of information that would make many people choose not to enter a relationship. Hiding that information means there is not full consent for both people to participate.

In my experience, a child is rarely "hidden". Few people have a child and actively hide the fact for hidings' sake. Someone is usually being "protected".
You're asking the wrong question. This is about the right of the child to know who they are, not some presumed right of their grandparents to know they exist. As you are not the child's mother, you're not in a position to make that assessment for that child: you know the secret but you don't know the surrounding situation. This is why you say nothing. You could be putting someone at risk.
Stand down.

Unless you are the child’s mother and want them to know. Mind your own business.

If someone wanted to exclude their family they probably have good reason. They may well have had traumatic experiences with their family and seek to protect their children from the same.

I think the child should have the right to know his/her family. They should not be made to feel like they’re a guilty secret. What a horrible position to be in. I think I would have to spill the beans!

People want to tell because they love to gossip even when they try and justify it to themselves it about them sharing gossip it isn't about anyone else

i absolutely would tell, the fucker should be held accountable and grandparents/aunties/uncles could have a relationship without involving the cunt that provided the spunk. i’ve known it to happen. i’m the type of person that would tell without anonymity and give any him and any potential backlash both barrels, but telling anonymously is better than not telling at all, if you are the timid type.

Some of my father’s family did not know about me due to me being illegitimate but it was actually his parents (my grandparents) that wanted it kept secret. They are now dead and everything is out in the open but I never had a relationship with my father’s family until they died. Everyone in the situation should do what is best for the child and I think it should be the mother that does the telling or at least decides when/who to tell. I have my own children now and I would like to know if they had secret children. If you think the extended family would welcome the child I don’t see why it would be a negative tbh the more family the better. I am delighted to now have a relationship with my fathers side of the family and that my children do too