AIBU to let my adult nephew move in after rent rise from my sister?

OP is already in it. DN and Dsis both making requests of her means there's no staying out of it option here. Thankfully only a minority of the thread, but I can't believe several posters are naive enough to think this is something she can remain aloof from.

Take him in, charge £400 and give it to him when he leaves. Your sister sounds very grabby.

I think you are doing a lovely think and I would do the same. It might piss your sister off, but he is more important at this point and he is lucky to have you. It may increase his bond with your kids which may prove to be beneficial to them in the years ahead when they are older adults.

@YearsOfLife- I think you are trying to be kind, but you need to get to the bottom of the numbers on this.

You said he’s on £35k now but was on £30k before. I’m assuming he’s worked one year on £30k paying £500 a month to his mother in his keep. At those numbers, I’d expect him to have been able to save £1k a month already. He should have at least £12k saved.

At his new wage and if he stays with his mum for £800 a month, he still would have £1500 a month to live off and save, I’d assume at least £1k a month on saving. So you need to be certain he would save that extra £400 you’ll save him, not have lots of “expenses”.

You also need to get an idea of what his saving goal is and timeframe. You might be happy to house a 24 year old nephew, what about a 30 year old one? For this bit, you need to get a look at the flats for sale in your area. Will he be buying with his girlfriend or alone? Realistically, can someone in £35k borrow enough to buy a flat in your town? (Where I live, someone on £35k with a £50k deposit still couldn’t buy a 2 bed flat, he’d have to buy with his girlfriend, is she saving too?)

Basically are you making a realistic offer so he can save for a property in the future or are you just putting off the point where he’ll have to go into rental property and pay all the bills. Are you making a one year commitment or a 6-10 year depending on your local area prices and his saving habits.

If you have planty of room and some it with your son I would go for it.

I would want to be there for my nieces and nephews so it sounds a good idea.

I am weird about bathrooms so I assume you have your own space

Your sister and dp earn £150k between them and they're taking £800pm off him, and not saving any of it for him 😯. I can't get passed that part tbh.

Take him in, give him a time limit, say 3yrs and by that time he should have saved enough for a decent deposit. Even take the £400 month and if you don't need it for living costs save it for him, give it back to him at the end of the 3yrs.

Why charge and give it to him when he leaves?

He’s not her sister’s property, and she has no right to dictate to either of them. Why should he get a house share when OP and her family are happy to have him with them?

People don't think this at all.

Some people think that if your sister isn't a horrible person or completely surrendered to an envious, mercenary or spiteful partner, she might have been telling you he's better behaved than he is, in order to look as though she's brought him up well, and in fact he may not be as easy to live with as your own children.

If your sister isn't trying to make money from him, she's doing something else, and the most likely is that she's trying to get him to launch and doesn't want him moving in with you where you'll see he's not quite as easy going/ tidy/ housetrained/ considerate as she led you to believe.

Additionally unless he's lived in your pocket all his life it won't be as natural having him living with you until he is 29 as it was with your son. He's your nephew and you love him, but he's an adult man on a good wage who is not your baby - having him using the last of the milk/ an ingredient you needed for a meal, leaving burnt pans in the sink or stains on the downstairs loo, accidentally letting the cat out when he goes out late when she's meant to stay in at night, leaving his wet laundry in the machine and not coming home for three days etc. will grate a lot more than it did with your own child, especially after a year and if he's not paying enough to cover the food he eats and the extra bills.

There has to be a reason your sister doesn't want you to let him move in with you. If you truly believe it's because she's a horrible person then be your nephew's knight in armour, but if she's been a doting mother up to now, ask yourself whether she actually doesn't want you to see his embarrassing slobby/ spoilt/ man child side.

Well said OP.

Sorry. I wouldn’t get involved in this. There’s missing information - tho context is missing of your nephew’s salary and your sister’s financial position. I think £800 is a lot but perhaps it isn’t and perhaps by this stage he should be splitting the bills with the two other adults in the house. Perhaps he doesn’t save enough to make moving out into his own home feasible any time soon because he spends. Why is he offering to pay you less than he pays his mother now? At what point is a parent permitted to say to an adult, 24, you work full time so you have to pay your way?

Staying out of it is simplest.

He's earning 35k on the second year of a graduate scheme apparently - so a very good wage for his life stage.

£800 for rent+bills+food is actually probably only 35% of his take home, leaving him 65% to save and spend.

Given rent plus food are usually about 50% of household income that's actually still a good deal - the twist being that his mother and her partner apparently earn 150k between them so probably aren't struggling unless they have serious debt or he has ten younger siblings...

There has to be something missing of course - some detail, whether debt or bad behaviour or something else to make this make sense.

I think the OP is probably being foolish if she extends her nephew an open ended rent free invitation, she could end up living with nephew and nephew's girlfriend for the next five years and them bot being as easy to live with as her own children. It could be quite hard to get them out if she's implied that he is welcome to stay as long as her eldest did, and finds she's not quite as comfortable with that as she imagined, once he feels fully at home. The fact he's her nephew not her son, and moving in for the first time as a twenty four year old, really will make it feel different to having her own children stay indefinitely.

I would help him out. He is a responsible adult after all. Sounds like your sister won't be changing her mind anytime soon. Good on your nephew for wanting to better himself.

You sound like a lovely aunt! Your sister is being a rubbish parent. Let him move in with you, save so he can buy his own place.

It's none of your sister's business where he lives. He's an adult.

His father dying is all the more reason to increase support. It sounds like he's an only child too.

YANBU, imagine charging your own kid £800 per month to live at home, especially when she isn't struggling for money herself.

I'd take him in if I were you. Or could he be in a position to buy?

I haven’t read all the comments but you sound like a fabulous and supportive aunt. His mum is seemingly doing everything she can to push him out so I hope he moves in with you and continues to thrive in his life.

Wow, charging your kid as much as a lodger, how progressive...

I think he needs to move out and live in a house share. His mum sounds grabby and awful (especially as he is trying to save for a deposit).

One of my friends parents rented out their home and lived with her for a year to help her out financially. She was 40 at the time and a single mum. They provided childcare and gave her money from the rent. Whatever people say, I think this is more of a normal parents behaviour than this shit.

He is a young person asking for help. He is responsible and trying to do the right thing by working hard and saving to get on the housing ladder.

What he's asking you to do is subsidise him so he can afford to do this and socialise.

I'm not trying to suggest he's awful or anything, I'm sure most people would love to be able to socialise and save. I'm just saying this isn't anywhere close to a necessity/get him out of a vicious cycle/etc. helping hand. It's a make his life more fun sort of helping hand. And that may or may not be worth upsetting your sister over, but I do think it makes the choice a more aggressive one in terms of you and your sister's relationship.

Having read all of your comments @YearsOfLife I'd absolutely let him move in. He sounds like a lovely, helpful and sensible young man.

It seems his mother & her partner see him as a cash how and live in private chef.

As he's 24yrs old, a grown man, neither of you need approval from your sister for him to move in with you. I know you don't want to upset your relationship with your sister, but surely the way she's treating her son is making you rethink on what type of person she is anyway?

He sounds like a lovely young man, I'd absolutely let him move in, and even if sister remains unhappy about it, it wouldn't change my decision.

There is no missing information. OP has already provided information about her nephew's salary and her sister's financial position

'His salary has just increased to £35k, he was on £30k until recently. She is increasing what she charges him by more than his net salary increase, which I think is awful.

Her partner apparently earns £42k. I’m not sure what my sister earns now but I know 5 years ago she was on the £100k boundary as she was looking to put extra in her pension to keep under that.'

He's already paying £500 to his mum and she wants to raise it to £800.

His mum sounds pretty awful and his father is dead so I hope he does move in with OP who sounds lovely and much more caring than his own mum.

Charging £800 a month to your own child is awful ,if i was charging board probably no more than £50 per week don't understand some parents

He's a responsible adult on £35k a year. He can afford to rent a room in a house, or even his own flat.

I do not understand why people are subsidising adult children as if they are on the breadline. It is time he became independent instead of sponging off relatives.