AIBU to feel annoyed by parents prying about my daughter’s school?

Sounds like there’s a clique of parents who have been discussing the issue of why your daughter left, and they’re all desperately trying to get info out of you to take back to the clique..

I don't know about gossip fodder - isn't it totally natural to wonder? And while most do it privately you'll get some that openly (and possibly rudely) ask.

I would think it's human nature to subconsciously assign acquaintances into nice, neat categories - and when things change, it's disconcerting and we want to understand. Your situation is unusual with one fee paying child and one not. You've gone from being 'fellow prep school parent' which is our common ground, to something else. Some people just want to understand how to relate to you /your family. Or she might just be really rude and nosy.

I'm in Ireland, so the comparisons are likely to have cultural differences, but we do have some fee paying schools in my area.

I know kids who have moved from fee paying to state, and from state to fee paying and I am always curious about why. I'm curious because I want to know if I'm making the right decisions for my kids. If your kid moved, should I think about moving mine, etc. I appreciate parents who give me a reasonable explanation off the bat (but, I definitely don't pry and I'm not rude)

Other posters have given some good generic but friendly responses that will satisfy most curious minds.
My child wasn’t happy and we decided together to try a diff school.
I couldn't keep her in a school environment where she wasn't thriving.
It wasn't for her.
She's settling in really well to new school.
She likes the smaller/bigger classes, subject choices, etc etc'
She really wanted to take x subject and this school gas the best outcomes.
Her brother is really happy so he'll stay here.

Looking at the folks I know, reasons ranged from 'His father really wanted him to attend the same fee-paying school he attended, but it just didn't suit him.' to 'It's a rugby/soccer school and he's aiming to make it in rugby/soccer.' to 'He stayed with his friends for x number of years, but now study/future is getting serious.'

Do you happen to know if any of these people are the parents of your DD’s bullies? Maybe their friends? I would prepare some stock standard answers like…

”I’m sorry…. Do I know you?”
”Why are you asking?”
”I’m sensing hostility. Would you mind explaining why?”
“Why do you think you are owed an explanation?”
“What do you mean by this?”
”Do you always interrogate strangers about their choices?”
”I’m here to discuss my son, actually. Thanks.”

i find all of this strange and unnecessary;
we switched dd to school xyz at her request.
she's doing well and so far the transition has gone well.
why make more drama, just tell the truth.

The children who are bullies have parents who may be clueless or just don't care as long as their child isn't being bullied.
Saying the words out loud "my child was being bullied" is very powerful. Tell anyone who asks.

"Why did your daughter leave?"
"She was expelled for making vodka in the science lab."
"What does your husband do?"
"He's in prison."
"What did he do before that?"
"Ten years. This time it's life"

You could always say something like it wasn’t a good fit for her & she is so much happier where she is now, whereas my son loves it here.

😂😂😂

TBH if I needed to remove my child from a school where they were being bullied - and 1 i was paying for at that - I’d tell people why I moved them.

But you don’t want to so I’d just say “because it was what she wanted and was best for her”.

I think that doesn’t open an invitation as you why because you’ve already covered the why but without details of the why you don’t want to give.

But how did she know in the first place that you have a DD at a different school? If she was a stranger, you must have brought this up in conversation?

I would probably opt for a less aggressive thing than "why do you ask" but that's just me. I would probably go down the road of "it worked for us" when they ask why. Then I'd go for the silence and just say it again if they are asking or expecting more. Maybe just wave your hand sort of dismissing it "oh it just worked for us". And then switch topics quite firmly to something else.

Hi, I moved my DD in Y10 due to badly/not addressed bullying. Naturally, parents who had children in the school or who are looking at secondary schools want to know why.

To preserve my dd's privacy, my stock answer is that she moved schools and it's working out well. That's it. No-one has ever been as rude to me as that woman was to you (although my dd's schools both state schools, so overall parents probably a bit less entitled), but if they were I would end the conversation - lovely talking to you, but must go now type thing.

If this is something you have to deal with regularly, I would practice to perfection saying 'I don't want to talk about schools'. Friendly smile, eye contact, but clearly saying that topic isn't one you want you get into. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Like you, I'm still very distressed by what happened to my DD, and don't want to be reminded of it.

Disclaimer - not all private school parents are entitled, aware I'm generalising, let's not derail the thread.

I would say something like "I know you're just making conversation, but I'm a very private person and don't discuss my children or my personal life", then either quickly steer to a neutral subject or just smile and let the silence hang.

Avoid answering a question by asking them a question, why does that matter to you? How are you affected by my choices? Why do you keep asking me when I am clearly not willing to provide you with an answer? Why do you think you know me well enough that I would discuss that with you?

Then you can switch to statements, it isn't something I am willing to discuss, the usual response is why, then you go back to why are you asking when I am clearly not willing to discuss this with you? Repeat, it isn't something I am willing to discuss. Then either go silent or walk away. You don't owe anybody an explanation.

I'd just adopt a wafty sort of air- if anyone asks why your daughter moved you can just say "horses for courses" or "it suits her better" or something similarly vague, then change the subject. But honestly I suspect it's not as sinister as most posters make out. Generally people don't care that much- it's chit chat and they move off and forget.

It’s likely she is considering taking her child out and looking for info from you on your choices to help her make hers.

"New school is a better fit for her "
If she asks again , just pause and say " why are you asking again"
Cheeky cow

Yes this , you don’t have to specify the new school.

They think you hit financial difficulties. They’re prying because they’re wondering if you can afford the fees for the younger one or if the school are “helping”? Just an idea.

that or they simply want gossip on how badly the school dealt with bullying.

@StopAsking It's private unless you feel that someone is in the same situation and might ask for help.

I would blatantly lie and say that she had friends she wanted to be with in the other school and that you respect her wishes. End of. If they ask more just repeat "It was her decision to be with her friends." This is sort of true because she probably has good friends now.

Being “polite” and being a doormat are not synonymous.

You can be polite while maintaining good boundaries.

If they ask about why your daughter left you just say “we’re very happy with her new school, I’m sure you’ll understand that I don’t want to discuss the details” <bright, polite, smile> and then change subject.

Of they ask how many children you have say “two” and then immediately ask about their children.

Just say that you moved her because the school didn't suit her. If they press for more info, just say that you'd rather not discuss it.

If I was paying for the privilege of sending my child to a school that I hear doesn’t address terrible bullying I’d be interested to hear more about it because I’d be so worried my child could be next. You so wish you could remove your son from the terrible school with the bullying that you pay for. Guess what? You can!

Aren’t these normal conversational topics?! I get asked what I do and what my husband does regularly. There’s no ulterior motive.

I’d say one and just deny your state school attending daughter exists.