To be upset about DSS comment about DH and I

As a woman and first as the main breadwinner and after a dh operation a sole breadwinner, I think your dss is right.

Not sure why it would have been better if your DH would have been the some breadwinner and after DH's operation (it sounds like he can therefore no longer work?), your family would therefore have no income?

At that age, most young people are overly optimistic about what they are going to achieve, particularly if they’re academically able. They haven’t had to deal with looking after sick parents, redundancies, being up half the night with screaming babies etc.
In that respect, he’s quite normal for his age and in a sense it’s nice that he is confident in his ability to provide well for his family in future.

He probably didn’t intend to be negative about the set-up you have, he just thinks he’s going to really well himself.

What was your husband's reaction?

Because he's young is exactly why I WOULD engage with it, or more so his father who has the responsibility of instilling values in his child. Especially around gender (in)equality and the impact it has.

He'd fit in on any of the "who should pay for dates" threads on here tbf to him

I'd have probably answered wth 'Crack on, son. You'll need to work fucking hard to earn what I do, but by all means have a go!'

He's a daft twat to suggest 'it's not right' for women to earn more money than men. His penis won't contribute much to his earning capacity, but then he's an immature teenage boy.

He'll learn

Gosh, why would you even involve your DSS in discussions about your relative earning power? It’s no-one else’s business. Just keep it between yourselves.

Has this come from him mum? Yours dad’s only with her because she earns good money etc etc … how’s the relationship?

Hes 18 and has zero life experience. Kids know nothing about life and think they know it all. I know i did! Just ignore him and dont let it upset you.

I think it does kids good to understand the man isn’t the main earner in every relationship. This young man needs to get some life experience and understanding women can earn more than men is a good basic lesson.

I’ve lived through a young male family member having views that challenged our family values. This was due to converting to a different faith. My DH says that we should challenge. Every family get together they sit loudly debating. It is so pointless. Fifteen years on the young man does seem to be getting on in life. Sparks may fly when his three children are older.

What I am saying is that you can turn round and make a comment like “good luck finding an intelligent partner that shares your values”. You cannot push it further. Keep the lines of communication open. One day he may change his mind (see the reality) and if you have not built up a battleground all will be forgotten.

@autumnisherenow

he probably isn’t going to do well.

I absolutely agree, but I still don’t think that offspring need to know the details about their parents finances.

I personally think you /his dad should not let him dig himself deeper into toxic masculinity. But ridiculing him like some posters suggest will only backfire. I can't find the article I'm thinking about now, but iirc, it strongly discouraged ridicule, pushing back and telling him his views are stupid. They got the best results by asking questions to make him examine his ideas. From AI:

“Why do you think it's wrong that she earns more than your dad?” Then genuinely wait. Don't fill the silence.
If he says “because the man should provide”: “What does ‘provide’ mean to you? Does it specifically mean earning more money?”
“Suppose Dad earns 80k and she earns 70k. Is he providing?” If yes: “And if she gets promoted to 90k, what has Dad stopped providing that he provided the day before?”
“Would you actually want her to turn down the promotion so Dad can remain the higher earner?”
“If you were married and your wife earned 150k doing something she loved and you earned 100k, what would you want to happen?”
If his answer is that he would need to earn 151k: “Why? What would being at 100k say about you as a man that being at 151k wouldn't?”
“If you lost your job for six months and your wife supported the family, would that make you less of a man? Why?”
“Do you think a man's value in a relationship depends on his income relative to the woman, rather than what he contributes to the family?”
“When you say men must be providers, what makes that a rule rather than your personal preference?”
“Is your belief ‘I want to provide for my future family,’ or is it ‘I need my future wife to earn less than me so that I can feel like the provider’? Because those are actually quite different.”

Pity you didn't reply with "right now, yoir low on income and IQ, come back to us with your thoughts if either increase".

That kid has so much to learn.

Would have his dad have a quiet chat and dig into it to understand if he’s just being 18 and clueless or whether he’s an Andrew Tate fanboy and be nipping that messaging in the backside. Also guessing he’s happy as a legally 18 year old man to have his step mums money support him? Why is that ok, ask him.

Why are people saying to ignore this? He’s 18 ffs. It’s a disgusting viewpoint end he clearly feels strongly to voice it.

To answer your question, because he’s a mysogynist! They don’t turn 30 and become one, it starts early. My son once (about the same age) said his GF had the ‘bod on’ I told him quickly that what he actually meant is that something was bothering / upsetting her! They’re not too young to be told.

Most can figure it out from context. And talking about finances, income, mortgages and bills is a great life lesson.

Say For example dad is a teacher and step mum is a GP - any 18 year old would know dad earns less. And they are taking g decisions about their future, hearing about real world salaries helps.

i used to go out to universities to talk to students about a career in my field. I was late twenties. I told them what I earned and what some of class mates who took different paths earned. We are too secretive in this country about money

So are we saying men can’t want to be providers anymore? It’s a bit out of order commenting on your situation but I don’t see anything wrong with a man wanting to provide for his family, it doesn’t mean he is a sexist Andrew Tate fan from the manosphere.

and because OP earns more, this means husband is not providing?

He said he doesn’t think it’s right that his step mum earns more than his dad. That is a worrying comment that needs to be explored in more detail.

What also does it mean when a man wants to be a provider? Again some questions are required - does he mean he wants a wife who never works outside the home and devotes her time exclusively to him and their children? Does he mean in wider society he thinsk women shouldn’t work? Does he mean he doesn’t believe in educating women because their only worth is as carers for men and children?

will he struggle with a female boss, a female doctor?

I wouldn’t want this young man dating my daughter.

He is only 18 and full of bravado. He will grow up. Hopefully

Both parents can be providers, of course. But it's a bit regressive to think a man should earn more than a woman. (My husband is retired - but I earn significantly more than he ever did.)

I wouldn't take it too seriously coming from an 18 year old. But I would challenge it, in a fairly light hearted way.

If he just want to get a good job so he can take care of his family - fine, nothing wrong with that of course. But the statement that you should not earn more than his dad is troubling.

Ask him if he thinks you should decline promotions or quit entirely, and how would that benefit the family? Is the 'providing' only relative to the income of the woman? So if woman earns 30K and man 50K, he is providing - but when woman gets promoted to 55, he no longer is? Surely that makes no sense.