To be upset about DSS comment about DH and I

He is being drawn into the manosphere. I woundnt be upset. I would start marshaling my arguments. You should point out that a life of dependence on a womens free labour is hardly manly. If he wants to be the provider he better start working really hard and provide. Unfortunately lots of this generation have these sad opinions. I thank god everyday that many young women dont have to live as bonded servants to a weak sad generation who really dont know what being a real man's means.

Hope he paid for his own lunch!

There's no reason to think they've been talking to him about who earns more. Depending on job types it may be obvious. If OP is a doctor and her DH a binman, for instance, it's not hard to work out who's likely to earn more.

100% this. This is not knowledge he needs to have and passing judgement is inappropriate. Your DP should have a man to man talk with him about manners, if nothing else. What is their relationship like generally and how do you get on with him?

Yassssss clap 👏

‘Yeah? Well it’s nice to hear you’ll work very hard to earn enough money. And if you don’t manage to make enough you’ll just have to stay single as you obviously can’t say all that and then expect a woman to work to prop up someone who thinks she’s less human’

I’m glad you agree.

The first census records date from the 19th century, hence my reference to that. There is less data from before that, but we know the Industrial Revolution created jobs for men and women, and before that cottage industries (at home) involved the whole family, including mothers and daughters.

There have also been many powerful women leaders in British history, going all the way back to Boudicca.

Working class women have always worked, not always outside the home, but they always worked, their is plenty of evidence way before the C19th. An unmarried woman was called a spinster because they span for money.

@grinandslothit Perfect response!

I take it DSS wasn't going to pay for lunch was he? He expected you to pay for it

That's probably what I would have told him , fine you want to be the provider then you can pay for lunch and get up and walk out

Why does DSS know about your financials, begs the question?

I would challenge that as sexist. Point out that in these days of equality it is not the mans job to be the provider any more than it is the womans job to stay home. Did his Dad say anything?

Maybe find some suitable material showing him that in Britain it has always been traditional for women to work. Especially working class women. Upper class people generally didn’t work whether they were male or female - they managed their estates and lived off the income these provided. There are some great census records showing early 19th century female business owners: butchers, bakers, lacemakers etc. Before that, cottage industry was a family affair. For example the children would comb wool, the wife would spun yarn and the husband would weave it into cloth.

In short, the 1950s house wife model is not traditional and led to many depressed women taking pharmaceuticals to cope. It is laudable that he wants to earn well and be a stable provider if this lets his future wife take maternity leave or have a career break without worrying. It is not if he takes a controlling view of women that is completely at odds with our culture and way of life.

DP and I are 64 now , we took it in turns to earn the most- your DSS attitudes are very outdated.

No, I disagree. He needs a good talking to as this sort of misogyny is everywhere. Your DH needs to sort it out.

I am surprised about the amount of women out-earning their partners. I’m pleased the gender pay gap has closed finally.

I would not have an issue with this at all, never mind be offended by it. Then again, I say things like ‘I’d never date a man who earned less than me’ but I do work PT.

Unfortunately this is a growing attitude amongst younger people - including women. A recent survey showed that Gen Z hold the most traditional views of women and men’s roles in society ( eg women should always obey their husbands ! ) - we are sadly going backwards!!

I want to (and do) provide for my family, it shouldn't be seen as automatically the responsibility of one sex over the other though.

wanting to provide for his family, it doesn’t mean he is a sexist Andrew Tate fan from the manosphere.

It does if you are criticising others for having a different set-up.

If he just want to get a good job so he can take care of his family - fine, nothing wrong with that of course. But the statement that you should not earn more than his dad is troubling.

Ask him if he thinks you should decline promotions or quit entirely, and how would that benefit the family? Is the 'providing' only relative to the income of the woman? So if woman earns 30K and man 50K, he is providing - but when woman gets promoted to 55, he no longer is? Surely that makes no sense.

Both parents can be providers, of course. But it's a bit regressive to think a man should earn more than a woman. (My husband is retired - but I earn significantly more than he ever did.)

I wouldn't take it too seriously coming from an 18 year old. But I would challenge it, in a fairly light hearted way.

He is only 18 and full of bravado. He will grow up. Hopefully

He said he doesn’t think it’s right that his step mum earns more than his dad. That is a worrying comment that needs to be explored in more detail.

What also does it mean when a man wants to be a provider? Again some questions are required - does he mean he wants a wife who never works outside the home and devotes her time exclusively to him and their children? Does he mean in wider society he thinsk women shouldn’t work? Does he mean he doesn’t believe in educating women because their only worth is as carers for men and children?

will he struggle with a female boss, a female doctor?

I wouldn’t want this young man dating my daughter.

and because OP earns more, this means husband is not providing?