AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

I don’t get the idea of a man paying being some kind of reward for extra time spent getting ready either. I never did! I’d shower, dress and make up fora bloke just the same as going out with the girls or even going to work/shopping. The only difference would be the clothes, ie work clothes or going out clothes. I certainly never spent more time for a bloke nor bought different clothes for a bloke.

All sounds very sensible and mature. Looks like your daughter has picked up good attitude/habits from you especially the financial sense and saving.

It does work for me, yes, that's why I wrote it. Everything is transactional. You wouldn't put up with anyone not pulling their weight equally in your relationship - the point is that equal doesn't mean the same. This 'tit for tat' mindset doesn't work for me. I did it this time so you have to do it next time. It's fine to choose your preferences. So, one person might enjoy ironing and another may prefer washing up. But what if one person hates chores full stop? But doesn't mind working? But another person, after decades of working for aholes, wants to stop. It will always be transactional, but it's fine to have your preferences of what you want to do in your relationship. No reason to judge others or be miffed by it (or write condescending responses).

If I wanted to keep being independent then I wouldn't bother with a partner. You can't be in a relationship and claim to be independent. And that's not a bad thing. We need to stop overcompensating by teaching women it's bad to want to rely on someone for something. It just can't be for everything.

I don't think financial behaviour on a first date indicates financial behaviour in a relationship at all.

I'm not especially generous on first dates and I didn't expect men to be. We barely know each other. We're both probably dating around. I had no strong feelings about anyone I went on a first date with (at best I was physically attracted and thought we were compatible on paper) so why would I want to treat them? I assumed that's how they felt about me. Splitting the bill is the only rational thing to do on a first date.

Whereas once you actually get to know someone and develop a real emotional connection then you naturally want to treat them and be generous. You want to take care of someone you're in a relationship with far more than someone you've met for the first time that night.

About two years into my relationship with now-DH, I had a major cashflow issue (I was self-employed, flaky client didn't pay on time). He paid my tax bill for me! (Obviously I paid him back when I could, a couple of months later.) I doubt he'd have done that if it had happened when we first started dating (and nor would I have expected him to.)

Been independent all my life and now, I just can't stomach a man who doesn't insist on paying. I have no respect for him at all and no romantic interest. Equal doesn't mean same. He will be 'repaid' (not in kind!! Haha) but with a relationship where he benefits from my attention to detail, putting him first, anticipating needs, planning ahead, being a good listener, partner in crime, good mother (if relevant) and so on. Looking after the house, making sure he is fed... I mean... I think it's a personal choice which role you want in the relationship - and if you want to be the carer, then you need the man to be the provider.

Is this actually a binary split though? Does one person have to be the carer and one the provider, or can both be both? Caring and providing are not mutually exclusive.

Having said that if I had to choose I would absolutely, 100% pick a man who considered it more important to be caring and kind than a man who validated himself by earning big bucks.

And as someone who isn't naturally nurturing, I'd rather pay for a man all the way than be expected to anticipate his needs, put him first and listen to him all the time. And if any household relied on me to make sure they were fed then they would all starve.

DH always paid when we were dating.

Why does my self esteem trigger you enough to try and have a dig?

Nowhere at all have I implied anything about anyone else. I've simply said I'm high quality and expect high quality. I would and so i would expect them to pay. I do half and i expect him to do half. Nothing wrong with that.

Your comment comes off massively childish and like you're spoiling for a back and forth because youve taken umbrage and I'm not engaging it, so feel free to come back with whatever snipey, arguement winning take down you like and you can have the last word on the matter if that's what you really need.

I would always go 50/50. I wouldn't want a power imbalance or feeling like I owed him something when I may not even like him that much.

Stay in control, pay your way.

50/50 unless it’s an occasion for the other person. Although it never ‘looks’ a certain way like you’re wary of, because I always forget my card so he technically pays while we’re there and I send him the money for it if it’s my turn!