AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

I also rolled my eyes at the high quality date thing. Like, what does that even mean. It sounds exactly like when men talk about how alpha they are.

Why?

Ditto here, we've been together 39 years. We've always treated each other as "equals", right from our first "date". I've never been interested in any kind of power imbalance and was never the kind of girl who wanted an "alpha male" to look after me - I can look after myself and don't "need" a man. It's "nice" to have a man/partner/husband, but I've never "needed" one.

Why? That's a pretty old fashioned way of thinking. Women are capable of earning more than men, many do. I thought most women wanted equality these days?

50 50 or take it in turns for me. I am an equal partner, and don’t wish to be paid for like some little incapable woman.

Why would a man feel embarrassed by this? You really should reflect on where that thought comes from and what you are saying about being a woman

When dating we either took turns or split the bill, unless it was for something specific ie part of a birthday present. When more serious, we created a ‘fun stuff’ pot that we put a small amount of cash in each month so that shared meals and holiday dinners/costs came out of this.

I think having the balance is important. When I dated someone with an income much lower than mine I paid for more stuff, otherwise we couldn’t do it together. That’s fair.

We do Thats one of the reasons why the birth rate has fallen because men still havent stepped up to do their full share of childcare and housework. Many more of them have said the same thing you have though. "i thought you women wanted equality" and accept "equality" when it comes to their credit card! Im so glad more younger women are waking up to the fact that parenthood is a shit deal for women and acting accordingly. Myself and the friend i met for coffee yesterday arent the outliers any more

This is exactly what I was getting at. With my post. You really do want a partner who will accept that sometimes finances won't be evenly split. Over the life time of my relationship of 17 years there were times he paid my rent, times I paid his. We had a joint account as soon as we were married which both our incomes are paid into. You have to function as a team!

If someone would quibble over a bill for a date they had invited me on when we still didn't know each other very well what would they be like once they'd let their standards drop? I would most likely offer to go halves and probably pay the next date if we didn't split it. But I would be seriously put off if they hadn't offered to pay on the first date.

When I became pregnant I had only just started a new job so got no maternity pay and only qualified for maternity allowance. Imagine if my husband had been one of these Men who wanted everything equally split in terms of bills whilst I was in that situation? I've read about that sort of set up many times on here!

Yep Women paying for all of their own maternity leave like its the Immaculate Conception just to prove they are not a gold digger
Your set up sounds the same as DH and mine.

My partner and I both think we should pay. So it’s a bit fraught at times 😂😂😂

There've been times when I've been the higher earner, times when DH has been the higher earner. It kind of balances out over the 40 years we've been together. He was a low earner when we first started dating as he was a trainee on very low wage. I'd been a low earner a few years prior to meeting him when I was a trainee on a low wage. 20 years later, he started his own business and had no income for a year or so. That kind of balances out the period when I gave up work for maternity leave and being a SAHM for a few years, and likewise a couple of years of me not earning when I set up my own business. It's swings and roundabouts. It's how a relationship should be. But before we got married/bought a house, we did go 50:50 for days out, holidays, etc even though our respective earnings weren't equal. Once married/bought a house/had a child, we were so "cemented" together that everything was paid jointly out of joint bank accounts. In our own minds, we're equal, so no power imbalance.

I’m an old woman and met dh in 1957. Even at those young years my dh paid for the cinema seats and I bought the sweets. Nothing has changed. Dh would sooner not go somewhere than have me pay. Times have changed of course. Also,the way that the male sees himself.

We have nearly always split the bill equally in the early days. We are now married so it comes out the joint account that I have the access to, so it looks like I pay lol, but he usually jokingly tells the waiting staff it's a joint account lol. The only time one person pays is birthdays and we treat whoever's birthday it is. There is no awkwardness on my part (female) and I don't think there is on his either tbh. I think expecting a man to pay is a bit outdated especially with the cost of living etc

Take it in turns to pay. I think it's abit gold diggerish to expect the man to pay. If I'm genuinely interested in him then I'd want him to feel the same way and cherished and spoiled. A man that didn't pay at all would make me think I wasn't worth it.

Same. I did this when DH and I were dating 25 years ago.

I'd find it incredibly patronising if a man insisted on paying all the time.

I'm also not mad into the whole concept of me having to spend more getting ready for a date to look nice for a man because I'm not some dumb little trophy, I earn very well and can pay my way just fine, and definitely don't need to do anything above and beyond what I do getting ready for anything else.

I used to overcompensate and pay every time(!) - in my older years, I find I have no interest in men who don't pay. I can't even fully articulate it. Maybe due to my experience with men who are stingy and begrudge sharing their resources - they're not exactly who you want as a father for your children..

Been independent all my life and now, I just can't stomach a man who doesn't insist on paying. I have no respect for him at all and no romantic interest. Equal doesn't mean same. He will be 'repaid' (not in kind!! Haha) but with a relationship where he benefits from my attention to detail, putting him first, anticipating needs, planning ahead, being a good listener, partner in crime, good mother (if relevant) and so on. Looking after the house, making sure he is fed... I mean... I think it's a personal choice which role you want in the relationship - and if you want to be the carer, then you need the man to be the provider.

Everyone will be different so will have different opinions on the money side. I don't agree there's a one size fits all approach to couples. Not everyone even wants to be a couple: people in polygamous relationships for example.

When DH and I were dating we went Dutch - we didn’t get the calculator out obviously, but if we were out for a drink, for example, we’d buy rounds, or if he got the last meal I’d get the next one. It was all very casual, no one was keeping count.

I don’t need a man to pay for me.

It’s between the people on the date and nobody else’s opinion matters.

Hubby and I been together 20 years and if we go out for a meal I usually pay as have all the apps with discounts on and love a bargain 😂😂 if we went to a bar for drinks he usually pays….. it really doesn’t matter as we support each other financially.

I have a daughter and 2 boys and advised to always spilt the bill on dates until they really like someone. If the girls expects the boys to pay she probably won’t be for them just as if a boy insisted on paying he probably wouldn’t be right for my daughter.

Its never been an issue and seems like all
parties are happy knowing where they stand.

My daughter now dating someone who has started a really good apprenticeship getting paid £15ph at 16 years old. she at college and works a few hours a week and still won’t let him pick up the bill 😂 both savers and into investments so perfect match and preparing for their futures.

It must be because you're so high quality...

DH nearly always paid for everything. He was working full time and I was at uni working part time. I would pay half on some occasions if we were really splashing out, or if it was his birthday.
He's quite traditional and said he'd feel ridiculous asking his date to go halves all the time. Our relationship set up is definitely frowned upon on MN but it works well for us.

Yes, that’s very outdated. When dating I split the bill most of the time. Now married and we just alternate paying and always have. I don’t think I’d get on well with a man who had the mentality of being ‘embarrassed’ or feeling ‘awkward’ by a woman paying for things. It would show they have a rather weak ego.

I don’t know how you can consider yourself independent if you prefer a man to pay.

This sounds very transactional. I’d rather pay for myself if him paying means I have to look after the house and keep him fed. But if it works for you.