AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

50/50 unless it’s an occasion for the other person. Although it never ‘looks’ a certain way like you’re wary of, because I always forget my card so he technically pays while we’re there and I send him the money for it if it’s my turn!

I would always go 50/50. I wouldn't want a power imbalance or feeling like I owed him something when I may not even like him that much.

Stay in control, pay your way.

Why does my self esteem trigger you enough to try and have a dig?

Nowhere at all have I implied anything about anyone else. I've simply said I'm high quality and expect high quality. I would and so i would expect them to pay. I do half and i expect him to do half. Nothing wrong with that.

Your comment comes off massively childish and like you're spoiling for a back and forth because youve taken umbrage and I'm not engaging it, so feel free to come back with whatever snipey, arguement winning take down you like and you can have the last word on the matter if that's what you really need.

DH always paid when we were dating.

Been independent all my life and now, I just can't stomach a man who doesn't insist on paying. I have no respect for him at all and no romantic interest. Equal doesn't mean same. He will be 'repaid' (not in kind!! Haha) but with a relationship where he benefits from my attention to detail, putting him first, anticipating needs, planning ahead, being a good listener, partner in crime, good mother (if relevant) and so on. Looking after the house, making sure he is fed... I mean... I think it's a personal choice which role you want in the relationship - and if you want to be the carer, then you need the man to be the provider.

Is this actually a binary split though? Does one person have to be the carer and one the provider, or can both be both? Caring and providing are not mutually exclusive.

Having said that if I had to choose I would absolutely, 100% pick a man who considered it more important to be caring and kind than a man who validated himself by earning big bucks.

And as someone who isn't naturally nurturing, I'd rather pay for a man all the way than be expected to anticipate his needs, put him first and listen to him all the time. And if any household relied on me to make sure they were fed then they would all starve.

I don't think financial behaviour on a first date indicates financial behaviour in a relationship at all.

I'm not especially generous on first dates and I didn't expect men to be. We barely know each other. We're both probably dating around. I had no strong feelings about anyone I went on a first date with (at best I was physically attracted and thought we were compatible on paper) so why would I want to treat them? I assumed that's how they felt about me. Splitting the bill is the only rational thing to do on a first date.

Whereas once you actually get to know someone and develop a real emotional connection then you naturally want to treat them and be generous. You want to take care of someone you're in a relationship with far more than someone you've met for the first time that night.

About two years into my relationship with now-DH, I had a major cashflow issue (I was self-employed, flaky client didn't pay on time). He paid my tax bill for me! (Obviously I paid him back when I could, a couple of months later.) I doubt he'd have done that if it had happened when we first started dating (and nor would I have expected him to.)

It does work for me, yes, that's why I wrote it. Everything is transactional. You wouldn't put up with anyone not pulling their weight equally in your relationship - the point is that equal doesn't mean the same. This 'tit for tat' mindset doesn't work for me. I did it this time so you have to do it next time. It's fine to choose your preferences. So, one person might enjoy ironing and another may prefer washing up. But what if one person hates chores full stop? But doesn't mind working? But another person, after decades of working for aholes, wants to stop. It will always be transactional, but it's fine to have your preferences of what you want to do in your relationship. No reason to judge others or be miffed by it (or write condescending responses).

If I wanted to keep being independent then I wouldn't bother with a partner. You can't be in a relationship and claim to be independent. And that's not a bad thing. We need to stop overcompensating by teaching women it's bad to want to rely on someone for something. It just can't be for everything.

All sounds very sensible and mature. Looks like your daughter has picked up good attitude/habits from you especially the financial sense and saving.

I don’t get the idea of a man paying being some kind of reward for extra time spent getting ready either. I never did! I’d shower, dress and make up fora bloke just the same as going out with the girls or even going to work/shopping. The only difference would be the clothes, ie work clothes or going out clothes. I certainly never spent more time for a bloke nor bought different clothes for a bloke.

I don’t know how you can consider yourself independent if you prefer a man to pay.

This sounds very transactional. I’d rather pay for myself if him paying means I have to look after the house and keep him fed. But if it works for you.

Yes, that’s very outdated. When dating I split the bill most of the time. Now married and we just alternate paying and always have. I don’t think I’d get on well with a man who had the mentality of being ‘embarrassed’ or feeling ‘awkward’ by a woman paying for things. It would show they have a rather weak ego.

DH nearly always paid for everything. He was working full time and I was at uni working part time. I would pay half on some occasions if we were really splashing out, or if it was his birthday.
He's quite traditional and said he'd feel ridiculous asking his date to go halves all the time. Our relationship set up is definitely frowned upon on MN but it works well for us.

It must be because you're so high quality...

Hubby and I been together 20 years and if we go out for a meal I usually pay as have all the apps with discounts on and love a bargain 😂😂 if we went to a bar for drinks he usually pays….. it really doesn’t matter as we support each other financially.

I have a daughter and 2 boys and advised to always spilt the bill on dates until they really like someone. If the girls expects the boys to pay she probably won’t be for them just as if a boy insisted on paying he probably wouldn’t be right for my daughter.

Its never been an issue and seems like all
parties are happy knowing where they stand.

My daughter now dating someone who has started a really good apprenticeship getting paid £15ph at 16 years old. she at college and works a few hours a week and still won’t let him pick up the bill 😂 both savers and into investments so perfect match and preparing for their futures.

It’s between the people on the date and nobody else’s opinion matters.

When DH and I were dating we went Dutch - we didn’t get the calculator out obviously, but if we were out for a drink, for example, we’d buy rounds, or if he got the last meal I’d get the next one. It was all very casual, no one was keeping count.

I don’t need a man to pay for me.

I used to overcompensate and pay every time(!) - in my older years, I find I have no interest in men who don't pay. I can't even fully articulate it. Maybe due to my experience with men who are stingy and begrudge sharing their resources - they're not exactly who you want as a father for your children..

Been independent all my life and now, I just can't stomach a man who doesn't insist on paying. I have no respect for him at all and no romantic interest. Equal doesn't mean same. He will be 'repaid' (not in kind!! Haha) but with a relationship where he benefits from my attention to detail, putting him first, anticipating needs, planning ahead, being a good listener, partner in crime, good mother (if relevant) and so on. Looking after the house, making sure he is fed... I mean... I think it's a personal choice which role you want in the relationship - and if you want to be the carer, then you need the man to be the provider.

Everyone will be different so will have different opinions on the money side. I don't agree there's a one size fits all approach to couples. Not everyone even wants to be a couple: people in polygamous relationships for example.

I'd find it incredibly patronising if a man insisted on paying all the time.

I'm also not mad into the whole concept of me having to spend more getting ready for a date to look nice for a man because I'm not some dumb little trophy, I earn very well and can pay my way just fine, and definitely don't need to do anything above and beyond what I do getting ready for anything else.

Same. I did this when DH and I were dating 25 years ago.

Take it in turns to pay. I think it's abit gold diggerish to expect the man to pay. If I'm genuinely interested in him then I'd want him to feel the same way and cherished and spoiled. A man that didn't pay at all would make me think I wasn't worth it.

We have nearly always split the bill equally in the early days. We are now married so it comes out the joint account that I have the access to, so it looks like I pay lol, but he usually jokingly tells the waiting staff it's a joint account lol. The only time one person pays is birthdays and we treat whoever's birthday it is. There is no awkwardness on my part (female) and I don't think there is on his either tbh. I think expecting a man to pay is a bit outdated especially with the cost of living etc

I’m an old woman and met dh in 1957. Even at those young years my dh paid for the cinema seats and I bought the sweets. Nothing has changed. Dh would sooner not go somewhere than have me pay. Times have changed of course. Also,the way that the male sees himself.

There've been times when I've been the higher earner, times when DH has been the higher earner. It kind of balances out over the 40 years we've been together. He was a low earner when we first started dating as he was a trainee on very low wage. I'd been a low earner a few years prior to meeting him when I was a trainee on a low wage. 20 years later, he started his own business and had no income for a year or so. That kind of balances out the period when I gave up work for maternity leave and being a SAHM for a few years, and likewise a couple of years of me not earning when I set up my own business. It's swings and roundabouts. It's how a relationship should be. But before we got married/bought a house, we did go 50:50 for days out, holidays, etc even though our respective earnings weren't equal. Once married/bought a house/had a child, we were so "cemented" together that everything was paid jointly out of joint bank accounts. In our own minds, we're equal, so no power imbalance.

My partner and I both think we should pay. So it’s a bit fraught at times 😂😂😂

Yep Women paying for all of their own maternity leave like its the Immaculate Conception just to prove they are not a gold digger
Your set up sounds the same as DH and mine.