AIBU to wonder if our shared money arrangement is unusual?

I think it’s much less about “earning lots”, and more about your attitude to marriage and commitment to life as a family unit.

DH and I earn well, it’s all pooled and we both spend freely without having to account to the other person. The concept of “our half of the bills” hasn’t existed since we had our first child.

do you buy his birthday gift from the joint acc too?

I’m a control freak so I handle all the finances. Everything is shared and I have spreadsheets etc which he can look at (but doesn’t). Finances are sort of a special interest of mine so he just leaves me to it. I do have a document printed and kept in our ‘death’ folder that has all the info should he ever need it. We do take personal money out of JA into our own accounts. He tends to take a lump sum each month whereas I’m a bit more sporadic. But we’ve never argued about money in well over a decade.

I manage all of the money too except we don’t have separate accounts, it all just goes into the same joint account and I tell OH what he can spend.

I handle the finances and work it back. Questions I have asked include: how old do we want to be when we retire and how much do we need to be as comfortable then as we are now? How much do we need to ensure we can get the kids through private school if we had to rely on investments for income and how close to that goal are we? Then alongside that it's what do we want to do with our lives - how much will we need for holidays, day to day living, a new car if needed? Can we max out ISA's for the kids?

This means that nothing is "his" and nothing is "mine". Investments are tools for our families future. Cash accounts provide day to day security. Accounts are all allocated to different budget needs and I know exactly what we need to save year on year to achieve our objectives. The family objectives.

I really don't get this seperate stuff. What happens if you want to retire at a certain age and he (or she) has pissed it all away on the grounds that you didn't have "anything specific to save for". That way to me madness lies.

Yes that is the way my parents did it it worked out just fine

You can buy gifts on a credit card or with cash for surprises. If it’s not a surprise then who cares if it’s coming out of a joint account?
If you’re a team then someone wouldn’t drain the account purely for their own spends as they’d be considerate of their spouse .
If you’re married it doesn’t matter what account it’s in. It’s both of yours anyway. If it’s just a partner you met 6 months ago clearly that’s different!
Why would you have to account for a pair of jeans?
Having a joint account would give a SAHM or lower earner more independence to have access to all family money.

Those things all sound like relationship issues and not someone I’d want to be married to!

Exactly this. I can’t imagine totting up bills with someone I’m married to. A flatmate yes!

My in laws are like this. The only thing FIL buys is petrol and the odd pint with friends. Everything else my MIL buys with their shared money. Shes even the one to settle a restaurant bill for us all or offer to send us money for renovation etc. She didn’t work out of the house/family, but is involved in their property rentals. FIL has a decent pension and was the one who bought their properties. They have plenty of money, so I guess it’s easy for them and he’s old fashioned/ lazy. It works for them.

Doesn’t deal with money and has no interest in it

In other words, he wants you to do all the life admin. How did he manage when he was single?

If he has a spare 500 quid, stick it in a joint savings account.

OP and her DH don't have his/her money, they just transfer £50 each month to their own accounts for incidentals.

DH and I have a joint account for bills and mortgage and savings but we have separate current accounts, he and I spend money on different things (hobbies, food) and it's better I don't know the cost. I also prefer shopping without it popping up on his statement too (except family stuff on the joint account).

I think it's both.

When we earned less, we couldn't spend freely, regardless of how our accounts were split. I had to weigh up every small purchase and I do think it was easier to do this individually.

Now we have joint accounts as we find it easier with DC's expenses, but I think this only works well because we earn enough than one of us buying a coffee isn't going to set us back for the month.

Except that, as I described in my earlier post, we don't tot up bills. That's always a remark made by people who can't imagine a situation where one half of a couple pays a bill without really caring whether the other half is paying a "fair share".

So, for example, I pay the pet insurance, he pays the gas and electric bills. They're probably sort of equal, give or take £50 a month or so. But we're married and a team so it doesn't matter if one of us pays more because it's all family money.

Exactly.

We split bills, nursery fees etc 50/50 but is it to the point we tot it up to the penny? No, of course not.

Agree with PP who said it’s old fashioned but in a nice way. My parents and my inlaws did it that way. We don’t, partially because we both came to the relationship with separate finances already established.
Only thing to make sure of is that you leave detailed info re bills, mortgage etc in case anything happens and he has to manage it all.

Those things all sound like relationship issues and not someone I’d want to be married to!

Geez, I would hate to be married to someone who didnt allow me to have my own bank account.

urgh. thats controlling AF and harks back to years ago when women werent allowed to have their own bank accounts unless permission was given by their male partner shudder

Well the person we were replying to said they each put half of the bills into an account.

To me saying things like we pay about equal/half or I pay this they pay that, is totting up bills. Because you’ve already calculated they’re about the same. So may as well come out of the same pot of family money if that’s how you view it. With a joint account no one is thinking about halving or has someone paid their share.

Who said they don’t have their own bank account or weren’t allowed to have one?

Again that’s a relationship problem. I’d hate to not have access to all the family money because I was denied by a man

Lots of people implying you dont really love or trust someone unless you allow them access to all your money- its gross.

I am the one with the family money so yes, thats mine. I have zero issue with that! Why should a man get access to money left to me by my dead mother- anyone who was greedy about that is not someone I ever want to be in a relationship with!

Sounds quite common.

DH and I have entirely separate accounts, none shared.

A man who shares his wealth with his family? Why?

Well no you don’t want to marry someone you have those feelings for, of course not. That’s irrelevant of what bank account it’s in then.

But family money in terms of day to day spending, it’s good to be able to access it.

No it isnt. My family's money is mine.

Anyone who demands access to it is a gold digger

That’s a ridiculous thing to say!!

We have always pooled our money. Started when we went traveling /working abroad in our early 20s snd since then all our money goes into joint account and all spending goes out. We do have our own credit cards so if I want to buy something wg a birthday present for DH i can use that so he doesnt spoil the surprise.
we used to earn similar and over the years DH salary has gone up and up whilst I took time off with the kids or worked part time etc. having everything joint means theres pfeaaure on my to contribute half and DH recognises that finances are only one part of raising a family and that my contributions are other things too like being around for the kids, saving on childcare etc

i work full time now the kids are older teenagers and can now focus on my career. DH wfh since covid mostly so does more kid lifts/medical appts etc than me now.

i ahve friends who are constantly working out who soent what on the (joint) kids and transferring money and so on. I would find it exhausting