I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

Agree. I also wonder why DP hasn’t at least tried to find out why DD doesn’t like OP. Without knowing, how can it be addressed/resolved. The only conclusion I can come to for his passive response is that he already knows and doesn’t want to say.

The DD may just not like the OP of course. Or she may be concerned that the OP is using her father by moving in with her children and expecting financial support. (It sounds like he is quite generous).

Who knows? But whatever it is, the OP’s attitude isn’t going to help things. She may have to accept that. Once you dislike someone then it’s just about impossible to change that

I think there definitely is an element of head in sand, but I don't think he's putting his DD first. if he did then he wouldn't be in a relationship with OP anymore. He wants to appease both, but it impossible, so he is hoping the issue will just go away if he does nothing.

I am in a very similar situation to OP, except that I am married, very happily on the whole. We have been together over 25 years and married for 16. DH has one daughter who appeared to accept me. Her parents divorced years before we met. He idolised her and they were extremely close. I always knew that she was wary of me but I thought she would know I never wanted to usurp her. The relationship improved hugely when she married and had children. We spent a lot of time together, holidays, weekends etc., and I honestly loved her children like my own.
Then came the rift.
Now only my husband is allowed to see her and the GC’s. I would love my husband to “stand up for me”, but like OP’s partner he is terrified of losing his daughter and the GC’s. OP, I think you have to understand that, essentially it’s a power struggle. The daughter is trying to prove she is more important to her Dad than you are. Obviously this is not the case. However, she is able to weaponise her children and you will need to accept that this is a battle you cannot win. I have had to accept this myself but the way I manage it is to be the bigger person and not give my husband any more grief over the situation than I can help. It’s a rotten situation to be in and my DH fully understands how unhappy it makes me to be deprived of the GC’s.
But we both know that if he were to take a stand on my behalf she would definitely go No Contact. I think it’s better for him to maintain a relationship with her and the GC’s, however difficult it may be.
We can’t control what other people do, and sometimes we just have to accept a less than perfect relationship. I love my DH very much and I know he loves me, but he would never be able to cope with the conflict any more than your DP.
Somtimes we have to accept Good Enough rather than Perfect. It’s up to you!
All I can say is that I can live with the way things are - even though it’s not what I would choose. Good Luck.

@DaringQuoter Just out of curiosity, if you were only 4 years in and not living together but could see that this is how difficult things would end up getting, would you still stay in the relationship or leave before it gets too serious?

Do you not think she may have legitimate (or at least what she feels to be legitimate) reasons? I can understand an adult child being concerned about her father dating a woman with young kids in case her intentions could be dodgy. I’m sure the OP’s aren’t dodgy but her DP does contribute financially to her household. Depending what that may look like, it’s reasonable for her to be cautious

** Just out of curiosity, if you were only 4 years in and not living together but could see that this is how difficult things would end up getting, would you still stay in the relationship or leave before it gets too serious?
This is a very difficult question to answer because of course we can’t see into the future and everyone is different.After four years we weren’t living together and I naturally assumed that my partner’s daughter would get used to the idea that we were an item. We bought our house and then got married. I would not have been able to imagine a scenario where I was cut out of her life. Perhaps with hindsight I would have run for the hills - but by the time she estranged herself twenty years had passed!

Do you not think she may have legitimate (or at least what she feels to be legitimate) reasons? I can understand an adult child being concerned about her father dating a woman with young kids in case her intentions could be dodgy. I’m sure the OP’s aren’t dodgy but her DP does contribute financially to her household. Depending what that may look like, it’s reasonable for her to be cautious

Yes of course she has every right to be cautious. I was only responding to OP as someone who is in a similar situation to the one in which she finds herself, many years later, and how I deal with it. It’s very difficult indeed but one has to understand that a parent/child love is different from an adult partnership and it’s NOT a competition, even if the daughter tries to make it one.

And even if the partner tries to make it one.

The DD will always look after her father’s interests. She doesn’t like the OP and the OP doesn’t like her. So I don’t see the issue in them not being at the same places at the same time. The OP and her DP clearly can’t live together for the time being - that’s how things go unfortunately

I had the impression that DP was contributing to OP’s household because he’s there a significant amount of the time - OP says she earns well and doesn’t need it so her kids benefit from it, so it sounds to me as though he’s doing it voluntarily. If that’s the case then I think it’s reasonable and fair play to him for not wanting to be a cocklodger.

From what OP has said, DD’s attitude has gone way beyond cautious. Whatever her reasons for not liking OP, stamping her foot, refusing to engage, and being unnecessarily rude to her isn’t going to sort anything out. Neither is forcing her dad into a position where he has to keep them separate. I get that OP’s attitude isn’t exactly helpful either, but I don’t think she can be blamed for reacting to the way DD has chosen to treat her.

What this needs is an honest conversation so that DD can say what her problem is and get it sorted. They may not be able to reach a compromise but at least OP would know why DD doesn’t want anything to do with her. If that conversation isn’t possible between OP and DD, then dad should step in and ask DD directly what the problem is. But he won’t because ‘conflict avoidant’.

I don’t think it can be said that the DD is looking after her fathers’ interests if she’s chosen not to engage with his long term partner and is overtly rude to her. She’s forcing her dad to deal with that by ensuring OP doesn’t visit while his DD is there. That’s being deliberately difficult - how is it in his best interests ? If she has a problem with OP then she should be upfront about what it is so that it can at least be addressed, if not solved.

And what happens if they eventually want to live together - as DP has indicated this is where he sees the relationship going ? Is OP expected to vacate her own home to facilitate his daughter visiting ? I wouldn’t. Would you ? I think the top and bottom of this is that DD is behaving very childishly and putting her dad in a difficult position. Dad doesn’t want to upset DD, so is appeasing her at OP’s expense. There are no winners here and the relationship will inevitably end.

The OP and her DP can’t live together full stop, unless something changes. Very naive of them to think this hasn’t crossed DD’s mind.

Well that’s probably for the best then. As always we only have the OP’s side of this. If that is the DD’s concern then that can’t really be resolved.

Maybe the two women just don’t like each other. I think it’s entitled to moan because you can’t just be included in all of your partner’s family events.

We won’t get to the actual reasons but it’s almost guaranteed not to be one sided

I don’t think it’s black and white. Four years after meeting my DH we were married and had our own home - after that amount of time it is a serious relationship. OP says she doesn’t want to move in with him at present, but I think the way things stand at the moment is a major consideration to that.

I don’t think you can simply switch off your feelings for someone because the situation is difficult, but conversely, I do think there’s a finite amount of time before reaching the conclusion that nothing will change, the relationship will go nowhere, so it’s a waste of time.

Possibly. I think many adult children would be unhappy about someone who isn’t nice to them moving in with her children with their father, particularly if they are concerned that any grandchild will lose out.

It isn’t a simple situation but despite what people say, most people want to see their parents happy.

In fact most people have neither the time nor the energy to engage in a pointless feud for no reason.

I absolutely agree that it won’t be one sided. But if we take OP at face value and assume she’s being truthful, then I think what’s unreasonable here is that DD won’t give her reasons for her treatment of OP and isn’t considering her dad who is in the middle of all of this. She’s thirty years old. She needs to stop behaving like a five year old and say what the problem is. If it can’t be sorted out then fair enough, she’s entitled to her opinions and feelings, as is OP. And if I were OP I think I would feel similarly - that DD is standing in the way of the relationship going any further.

They haven't even properly moved in together, have they?

They're both still maintaining their own properties, yet he contributes to her and her family (of what precisely we don't know) and OP apparently thinks she should be able to access his property anytime, anywhere.

I can see an adult child being very wary of the set up, though she's not behaving well.

Agree. But it has to be said that according to OP it was DD who initiated the situation and has refused to engage/been rude when she’s reached out. If that’s true then she can’t really complain if OP is unpleasant as a result.

She clearly has valid reasons for feeling like she does. Discussing them with the OP will achieve precisely nothing. Especially if it is because she feels the OP is taking advantage of her dad. All that will happen is there will be massive blow up, OP will probably insist her DP chooses between them and nobody is happy. If OP can’t cope with the situation then she has the opportunity to call a stop before they move in with him.

Yes but who admits their part in things when they post? It may be true in the OP’s mind but this is one of those situations where it would be helpful to hear the DD’s side.

I agree to a point, but as I’ve said a couple of times, OP has said he spends most of his time at her home, so it does sound as though he’s paying his way. OP said she doesn’t need the money as she earns well so her kids benefit from it. It sounds as though he’s doing this voluntarily to show her his commitment and if that is the case then fair play - he doesn’t want to be a cocklodger. Which is what posters would be calling him if he wasn’t making a contribution.

I also don’t think the problem is actual access to his home either - she has a key. It’s more the fact that he has unfettered access to OP’s home any time he wants but can’t/won’t fully reciprocate because of DD. It’s more the principal than the actual want or need.

I agree. And the same can be said of so many posts. I suppose it’s just the nature of an anonymous forum that we only ever get one side of the story and have to trust it’s the full story. Makes for interesting reading though !!

The OP is entitled to take the DP’s key away or restrict his visits if she wants total parity of access but in a relationship, once you start on about this kind of thing, you may as well split.

I'm wondering what makes you think that the DD will always look after her father's interests?

I'd like to think so, but I've seen so many cases of adult children who most certainly did not look after their parents' interests.

I can think of one neighbour who has to be wary of her sons trying to extract money from her; a former neighbour whose son conned her into signing over her house; adult children who refused support when their parents were seriously unwell because visiting them in hospital was inconvenient. (Of course, that can work both ways.)

You can say that about anything though. I have known women and kids move into the home of a man who has grown up kids and rip him off