I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

Are you ok, maybe you need to take a break, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone lash out and fight like it was their thread like this, you’re more upset than the op.

Op has also said that DP spends most of his time at her home - 5/6 nights per week. I don’t think this is a monthly allowance - it’s more paying his way. Is it not the case that me who stay and don’t pay are cocklodgers ? OP says it’s not significant sum so this is just conjecture.

The whole thing about 'just turning up' was something I never once said, it was suggested in someone's response and then everyone started assuming I was turning up announced all the time. I have sometimes gone to my partner's for a cup of tea if I was in the area and he was at home, as he has done too. It's a nice surprise and we both enjoyed that kind of intimacy, at the end of the day we have each other on 'Find my' app so we can see who's where and it's nice to surprise someone at home. Both my kids and I have enjoyed him popping in sometimes. But I wouldn't drop in when there's someone at his house who hates me. I don't know why there's an assumption I would? I only said I had a key because someone said 'but you don't have access anyway'. In any case it's not about physical access - it's about the sense of being welcome.

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

I may have missed it, but how long does the daughter stay with OP’s DP when she comes to visit? If it’s just for a weekend, OP should just let them spend father/daughter time together. If it’s for a week or more, DP should insist that OP will be welcome in HIS house from time to time, and if daughter doesn’t like it, she can take herself off to go shopping and to the cinema. She doesn’t have to fawn over OP, but a thirty years old she should be capable at least of being civil and courteous.

DP doesn’t have to insist on anything as it’s his house. He doesn’t want the Op around when his daughter comes and the OP needs to accept it.

I can see why it's bothering to you, OP. I had two acquaintances who were in relationships with men who had adult daughters. Both of those relationships ended because the adult daughters (who had partners and homes of their own) didn't want their father to have a relationship. One admitted it, and the chap ended the relationship, in the other case the daughter was so spectacularly unpleasant my friend ended the relationship.

It does happen that AC feel this way 🤷🏻

Err....why is everyone condoning a grown arsed woman of 30 years of age despicable attitude to another woman, also rude to her family!!! Just WTF people? Is the 30 year old stamping her ickle feet because Daddy has someone else special to him. She's behaving like a child.
I couldn't accept, nor would I put up with her behaviour, and if my partner also couldn't address her attention seeking nonsense, he too can fuck off. He sounds like part of the problem and it is not one for you to fix. Time to let go of this one, but by the sounds of it, you're almost there and then brat wins

I think your examples of two relationships that ended because of the horrible behaviour of adult children has likely hit the nail on the head as to why OP is bothered. Not quite sure why MN seems to think it’s acceptable for adult kids to veto their divorced/widowed parents’ relationships in this way. Yes, children come first, but a 30 year old adult really needs to give their head a wobble and realise that they have no right to dictate to their parents who they can and can’t have a relationship with.

Leave.

The daughter’s behaviour is disgusting and I don’t get why the cult of child worship dictates that parents always need to bow to the whims of poor behaving adult children.

This is what I don’t get. I’ve only ever seen this level of ‘kids come first’ on MN. While they’re children yes, I agree, their needs trump those of a partner, but once grown and able to understand the dynamics of a relationship, and especially if, as in OP’s case the DD is in a relationship and has her own home.

To be honest I think OP doesn’t just have a DD problem, she has a DP problem. In real life a few of my friends and family are in second relationships after divorce and none of them would tolerate this kind of behaviour from their grown children for a second. Yet on MN it seems that once you’re a parent, your whole life should be devoted to putting what your kids want before your own happiness, and accept that they’re entitled to behave appallingly if you don’t. It’s batshit.

This is what I don’t get. I’ve only ever seen this level of ‘kids come first’ on MN. While they’re children yes, I agree, their needs trump those of a partner, but once grown and able to understand the dynamics of a relationship, and especially if, as in OP’s case the DD is in a relationship and has her own home.

To be honest I think OP doesn’t just have a DD problem, she has a DP problem. In real life a few of my friends and family are in second relationships after divorce and none of them would tolerate this kind of behaviour from their grown children for a second. Yet on MN it seems that once you’re a parent, your whole life should be devoted to putting what your kids want before your own happiness, and accept that they’re entitled to behave appallingly if you don’t. It’s batshit.

My husband's ex was widowed, as was a mutual friend. They became partners and the ex's partner moved in with her. (His home was tied to his former job: he'd been promised a life tenancy and his former employer reneged on that.)

The ex's kids were happy for their mother to have a new partner, since it meant she wasn't on her own. The new partner had two kids. One accepted the situation; the other allowed her teenage son to write a letter disowning their grandfather for moving on so quickly - I recall that he moved in about a year after his wife died: he'd nursed her through cancer.

The ex and her new partner had a document drawn up to say that he was allowed to stay in her house if she predeceased him, but that it would then go to her children.

Only once the partner developed terminal cancer did his other kid and grandchildren see him again.

This is what I don’t get. I’ve only ever seen this level of ‘kids come first’ on MN. While they’re children yes, I agree, their needs trump those of a partner, but once grown and able to understand the dynamics of a relationship, and especially if, as in OP’s case the DD is in a relationship and has her own home.

To be honest I think OP doesn’t just have a DD problem, she has a DP problem. In real life a few of my friends and family are in second relationships after divorce and none of them would tolerate this kind of behaviour from their grown children for a second. Yet on MN it seems that once you’re a parent, your whole life should be devoted to putting what your kids want before your own happiness, and accept that they’re entitled to behave appallingly if you don’t. It’s batshit.

I don't see anyone saying that. It's just that the stakes are very high for the partner if he was to choose OP over his DD. Very few people would be willing to risk their relationship with their child over a partner, regardless of their age. I have grown kids and I look forward to spending time with them, seeing them mature and age, hopefully they will make me grandmother one day, meet lovely partners etc. I wouldn't want to miss out on that to keep a partner that I don't even know will work out, even if I felt that their dislike for my partner was unreasonable. I would try and reason with them, try to find out what it is that they dislike about him, but I would never tell them they can't spend time with me alone, or they can't come and stay with me.

This is what I don’t get. I’ve only ever seen this level of ‘kids come first’ on MN. While they’re children yes, I agree, their needs trump those of a partner, but once grown and able to understand the dynamics of a relationship, and especially if, as in OP’s case the DD is in a relationship and has her own home.

To be honest I think OP doesn’t just have a DD problem, she has a DP problem. In real life a few of my friends and family are in second relationships after divorce and none of them would tolerate this kind of behaviour from their grown children for a second. Yet on MN it seems that once you’re a parent, your whole life should be devoted to putting what your kids want before your own happiness, and accept that they’re entitled to behave appallingly if you don’t. It’s batshit.

But that's irrelevant. The OP can't impose her idea of what 'should' be happening on anyone, or indeed control anyone else's behaviour here. The OP's partner and his daughter have different ideas about what 'should' happen. The OP has the choice of accepting that and staying in the relationship or ending things.