I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

You're not married so you have literally ZERO rights.

And if we are in the business of demonstrating a basic lack of comprehension skills by trying to pull someone’s post apart then you know that you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Not sure why you felt the need to do that but, ya know, you do you.

Bye

If we’re in the business of telling other people what they full well know, then you know full well you don’t have a leg to stand on. Bye!

She may well be looking after his interests by trying to protect him from someone she perceives as being after his money.

That is separate to whether she has intentions about that money for herself. There has been no suggestion either way.

If you want to keep pulling my posts apart then crack on. I admit I’m not always 100% clear because I’m autistic, But you knew full well what I was saying in any case.

No, I didn’t understand that you consider extracting money from someone to come under “looking after their best interests”.

Who is digging? 🤣 I’m suggesting that if the DD is concerned about the OP taking advantage then she’s always going to took after her father’s interests instead of being nice to the OP. That doesn’t exclude the possibility that she’s trying to extract money from him herself.

Clumsily worded perhaps, but I’m sure you really did understand my point

How rude. Methinks his daughter might have a point.

By the way, not that it matters, I'm not a first wife.

Nobody is claiming that all situations are the same

The DD will always look after her father’s interests

You made a claim that was too far-reaching. Some people pointed this out to you. Time to stop digging yourself further into the hole.

If she suspects that the OP is using her DF then of course she is acting in his interests. What would be the point of telling the Op of the reasons anyway? She’s hardly going to quietly accept whatever the reason is, is she? There is no relationship with the DD and there never will be.

Given the OP’s demand in her post that only certain people reply, I suspect that she can be easily as difficult as the DD

No because it rarely happens.

Nobody is claiming that all situations are the same but just as some people know adult children who don’t like their parents’ partner and stir things up for shits and giggles, I was pointing out that I have known women who were using their partners to fund their families.

Well yes, but nobody is making the claim "a new girlfriend with her own kids will always look after the interests of her new boyfriend and his kids".

The claim is "a daughter will always look after her father's interests".

If what OP says is true she certainly isn’t looking after her fathers’ interests at present. Quite the opposite as she’s put him in the middle of a feud between herself and OP, is making his life difficult when she comes to visit and hasn’t even told either of them what the problem is.

Of course. That's the point.

I'm wondering about the certainty that the DD would look out for her father's interests.

You can say that about anything though. I have known women and kids move into the home of a man who has grown up kids and rip him off

I'm wondering what makes you think that the DD will always look after her father's interests?

I'd like to think so, but I've seen so many cases of adult children who most certainly did not look after their parents' interests.

I can think of one neighbour who has to be wary of her sons trying to extract money from her; a former neighbour whose son conned her into signing over her house; adult children who refused support when their parents were seriously unwell because visiting them in hospital was inconvenient. (Of course, that can work both ways.)

The OP is entitled to take the DP’s key away or restrict his visits if she wants total parity of access but in a relationship, once you start on about this kind of thing, you may as well split.

I agree. And the same can be said of so many posts. I suppose it’s just the nature of an anonymous forum that we only ever get one side of the story and have to trust it’s the full story. Makes for interesting reading though !!

I agree to a point, but as I’ve said a couple of times, OP has said he spends most of his time at her home, so it does sound as though he’s paying his way. OP said she doesn’t need the money as she earns well so her kids benefit from it. It sounds as though he’s doing this voluntarily to show her his commitment and if that is the case then fair play - he doesn’t want to be a cocklodger. Which is what posters would be calling him if he wasn’t making a contribution.

I also don’t think the problem is actual access to his home either - she has a key. It’s more the fact that he has unfettered access to OP’s home any time he wants but can’t/won’t fully reciprocate because of DD. It’s more the principal than the actual want or need.

Yes but who admits their part in things when they post? It may be true in the OP’s mind but this is one of those situations where it would be helpful to hear the DD’s side.

She clearly has valid reasons for feeling like she does. Discussing them with the OP will achieve precisely nothing. Especially if it is because she feels the OP is taking advantage of her dad. All that will happen is there will be massive blow up, OP will probably insist her DP chooses between them and nobody is happy. If OP can’t cope with the situation then she has the opportunity to call a stop before they move in with him.

Agree. But it has to be said that according to OP it was DD who initiated the situation and has refused to engage/been rude when she’s reached out. If that’s true then she can’t really complain if OP is unpleasant as a result.

They haven't even properly moved in together, have they?

They're both still maintaining their own properties, yet he contributes to her and her family (of what precisely we don't know) and OP apparently thinks she should be able to access his property anytime, anywhere.

I can see an adult child being very wary of the set up, though she's not behaving well.

I absolutely agree that it won’t be one sided. But if we take OP at face value and assume she’s being truthful, then I think what’s unreasonable here is that DD won’t give her reasons for her treatment of OP and isn’t considering her dad who is in the middle of all of this. She’s thirty years old. She needs to stop behaving like a five year old and say what the problem is. If it can’t be sorted out then fair enough, she’s entitled to her opinions and feelings, as is OP. And if I were OP I think I would feel similarly - that DD is standing in the way of the relationship going any further.

Possibly. I think many adult children would be unhappy about someone who isn’t nice to them moving in with her children with their father, particularly if they are concerned that any grandchild will lose out.

It isn’t a simple situation but despite what people say, most people want to see their parents happy.

In fact most people have neither the time nor the energy to engage in a pointless feud for no reason.

I don’t think it’s black and white. Four years after meeting my DH we were married and had our own home - after that amount of time it is a serious relationship. OP says she doesn’t want to move in with him at present, but I think the way things stand at the moment is a major consideration to that.

I don’t think you can simply switch off your feelings for someone because the situation is difficult, but conversely, I do think there’s a finite amount of time before reaching the conclusion that nothing will change, the relationship will go nowhere, so it’s a waste of time.