To feel a bit smug at his new taste of the mental load

Whoever said it's 'easier' carrying the mental load as a single parent, I can assure you it's not! It's all on you and if you drop the ball, that's it. I work full time, thankfully only have one DD as any more and I think it would be totally overwhelming. I do all the cooking, cleaning, life admin, dealing with financial stuff, fixing things, putting the bins out, shopping, driving etc etc the list is fecking endless.

Forward it back to him!

I also don’t know where you got the idea we are in competition of who has it harder - we both work FT after several years of PT while the children were pre primary. There have been peaks and troughs where we have supported each other including a period of unemployment, life changing surgery, a very stressful house move/reno… not sure you can tell me much about my relationship from three sentences
So why feeling smug and seeking gratification by posting about it?

If one day he decides you should help more in the garden -as an example of what he deals with alone- and you tell him how your all body is hurting at the end of the day, should he feel smug and tell all gid friends how you now know how it feels?

I find this attitude very unhealthy in a marriage. This need to 'show' to the other person how hard they have it and get pleasure when they struggle with it.

My husband is useless at organising / life admin / schedules ect. But he can make anything out of metal and wood, fix 99% of car problems on our drive himself and any DIY we have. I call it a balance because I can't even put flat pack together.
He fitted new headlights, brakes and sparkplugs on DS2 car but gets flummoxed at a email with all our ds4 nursery "save the dates".

Ummm what about the situation where the single parent is literally only ever focussing on their life and doesn’t lift a finger to help. No school runs no mealtimes no bath or bed times no days off for mum ever. Dad doesn’t do overnights or weekends.

It’s hardly fair to say being a SP is emotionally easier. It’s fucking lonely as hell. You might not have time to focus on and nurture a relationship whilst married and in the trenches of young child territory- but you’ve someone next to you in bed,nor to hand over a screaming child while the other one pukes or to just speak to and share your worries.
So no. Being a SP may mean you can handle the full mental load of parenting alone just like you handle the day to day physical aspects alone but it’s not easier by a long stretch.

Men can do mental tasks when they really want to- it’s just most of the time they’ll leave it to you because they know you will do it !!

think about the logistics and deceit that goes into having an affair - they manage their organisation skills just fine then !!

I totally get your point. That’s being separated though, so you are carrying the rage of resentment as well as the loneliness. My friend was talking being a solo parent by choice. And I see where she’s coming from.

Stop doing everything and tell him to do x y z
if you do everything why should he bother

Yes. It’s often easier if my DH isn’t around for a few days. I do still love him very much as a person so I won’t be separating (at least right now), but he makes my life harder in practical terms. We worked very well pre kids but we haven’t adjusted well to family life. He’s a wonderful person who I want to talk to for hours - which was the thing I looked for - but it turns out not really a partner in the trad sense.

If you set up a joint Gmail account and both sign your Google calendars into that account, anything either of you put into your calendar will be duplicated on both. I do this with DC and all events and updates are shown.

It's unhealthy, yes - but why not mention how unhealthy it is for one person to think the other person is their support human who will automatically take care of most of these tasks? That's the underlying problem.

You want a pat on the back and to feel smug about being a parent to your kds? Well, okay, then...🙄

Send it straight back? Why can’t he deal?

You can also have a family calendar that everyone can see

Well assuming the pp didn't use a sperm donor or her husband has sadly died, the father IS focusing all his mental energy on his own life.

I think it's fine, it's not a mean spirited thing.

That being said, it's interesting to see the reaction of someone not immersed. It's easy to be like the boiled frog, and think it's just the way it is.

But maybe it is actually too much. The ease of email and the internet sometimes means it's over used imo.

I think a lot of the problem is other people’s attitudes. For various reasons, my husband organises the children’s dentist, orthodontist and hospital appointments. He books them, takes the children, puts the appointments in the calendar etc. All good. However, if the orthodontist or hospital need to contact us, they always ring me.

They need to reschedule an appointment? They have questions that they forgot to ask the man who was there five minutes ago? They ring me.

The last time the lady wanted to know the name of the children’s dentist and I didn’t know (I knew where it is but not what it is called - my husband had recently moved them to a dentist nearer home). I was on an online meeting but had taken the call because it was the hospital’s number. She sounded a bit taken aback when I said I’d need to find out and email this through but it wouldn’t be for another hour. In the end, she rang my husband.

I don't think it's that easy. When couples try and share this stuff, in my experience there needs to be a kind of system, or things fall through the cracks.

It's like having two foremen each doing their own thing.

So many people on this thread need to pick better husbands!

I'm terrible at 'mental load' type things. My dh sorts the school app stuff like school dinner orders, milk, consent for things etc because he is just naturally very on it and its nbd for him.

We are a team though, and I bring other things to the table. I'd be sad if he felt smug if I was struggling with something.

I guess its different as you were finding it too much and asked to split it though!

I actually like being the ‘main’ one in charge (as I’ve got tendencies to be a bit anxious and controlling! 🫣)
However, it works for me that DH is mainly ‘in charge’ of certain areas of our DCs lives like their sports.

Surely that's only true if your partner is an arse.
Being in a relationship where one party is simmering with resentment isn't healthy.

Smugness is not an attractive quality but seriously he seems to be loving it let him take over. Marriage is about compromise. I hate washing up and my husband hates cleaning the bathroom so we compromised and bought a dishwasher.

my ex and I worked in the same job, both full time both high earners. But I was still the default parent. Do on top of my 9-5 I still carried the mental load, and if I ever did leave him so I could see a friend, go out for after work drinks or just go to the gym, I’d get the call asking when I was gonna be back and how our daughter wouldn’t go to bed for him or have a bath etc. my life is so much easier now he’s gone.

I agree, I also think play to your strengths albeit I am in a marriage where there is a good division of labour. I do not do the shopping as I am slapdash with the list and half look and say things aren't there which drives my husband mad. I am though excellent at admin and can do it really quickly so I do most of that.