To feel a bit smug at his new taste of the mental load

CruCru · 17/09/2026 08:30

YRGAM · 13/09/2026 12:35

I agree with this to some extent - for example, even though we communicate with them more or less equally, we both work full time and we are both named as contacts, the school will ALWAYS contact my wife first. Also, I am the only father in my year 2's class Whatsapp group. The only one! This is where all of the unofficial class communication
/PTA things come, and the fact this channel is chosen means the men are completely shut out unless they actively take steps to join the group, which they don't as they see it as a 'mum's group'

However, I do find that you can basically insist on being involved to some extent - this has worked with the youngest's nursery where they will just as likely come to me. But it is a bit of a slog to feel like you are in a small way fighting against wider social expectations

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I remember a thread (from years ago) where a poster’s children’s school had rung her husband about something and she was outraged that they had called him and not her. I think she had a lot of posters saying that it was refreshing that the school hadn’t just called the woman out of habit.

Ellemaggie · 14/09/2026 20:59

When I moaned about this, my DH blamed the school for him not knowing what was going on, saying it wasn't his fault they only sent emails to me. He got his email added so they went to him as well, and a few weeks later, I asked him for clarification on one that had been sent out. He said "oh, I don't know, there's too many, I don't read them"!! 😡🤬
Based on my response to that, he has stepped up now our DC is at secondary school!

Ellemaggie · 14/09/2026 20:55

intrepidpanda · 13/09/2026 15:06

I voted YABU because I am fed up with this calling normal life 'mental load' like its some huge big deal.
Just sounds like you want to make drama out of nothing.

It's so straightforward and "normal life", yet comes as a shock to do many men, including the OP's partner. So who is it normal for, exactly? 🤣

XanLovesHaribo · 14/09/2026 20:49

I think you do tend to get used to the mental load that you take on. My DH does everything food and bill related in the house. I do everything family related and laundry. We both do school runs and we both work (though I do 4 days and he earns multiples of me). When I have to deal with food stuff, it's overwhelming. Same when he does school admin. I know I have it good though.

Allergictoironing · 14/09/2026 19:22

Passaggressfedup · 13/09/2026 14:24

It's unhealthy, yes - but why not mention how unhealthy it is for one person to think the other person is their support human who will automatically take care of most of these tasks? That's the underlying problem
Because most of the time, it's balanced in other ways. Most commonly that the man gets all the mental load of ensuring they can bring enough money in the family to ensure they are housed, fed and they don't have to worry about any of it.

Men are more likely to take on the load of making sure the house is well looked after, deal with plumbing or electric issues, managing any structural problems, dealing with making sure the gutters are clean etc...

The problem is some women don't see further than just looking after the children.

Apart from the point made by other posters about the man being very rarely the sole earner, many of them don't deal with things like making sure the gutters are clean or calling the plumber. And most of the time it still seems to be the wife who is expected to not only arrange such things, but be the one who has to be home to let in the plumber.

The best way to look at things is see how much free time each person has. This needs to include having to spend lunchtimes arranging things, being the one who gets the children up in the mornings, feeds them, gets them to school etc, also time spent arranging work on the house, doing any household accounts that need it, booking holidays and so on. From what I can remember from the 60's and 70's, even the women who were working would be expected to keep the house spotless, do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, have the meal on the table the moment the husband got in, all the childcare. And the man would expect to come home from work to a laid table & home cooked dinner while the wife put the kids to bed etc. and he put his feet up. Then at weekends he may mow the lawn, but that would be it while she still had the kids for all waking hours. She would get maybe 10 hours "free" time after the kids were in bed, he would get nearer 30 - 40 in a week.

Shloopie · 13/09/2026 21:11

Passaggressfedup · 13/09/2026 14:24

It's unhealthy, yes - but why not mention how unhealthy it is for one person to think the other person is their support human who will automatically take care of most of these tasks? That's the underlying problem
Because most of the time, it's balanced in other ways. Most commonly that the man gets all the mental load of ensuring they can bring enough money in the family to ensure they are housed, fed and they don't have to worry about any of it.

Men are more likely to take on the load of making sure the house is well looked after, deal with plumbing or electric issues, managing any structural problems, dealing with making sure the gutters are clean etc...

The problem is some women don't see further than just looking after the children.

'Most commonly that the man gets all the mental load of ensuring they can bring enough money in the family to ensure they are housed, fed and they don't have to worry about any of it.'

Does he?

Really?

Is it 1972 where you're living, because I don't know one family where the man is the sole provider.

Hilarious.

seahorsessky · 13/09/2026 21:07

TBF people putting too much on WhatsApp is one of the main issues. Not the essential stuff, but all the pointless pings. If your husband had been doing the same thing in 2008 (groups, school admin, whatever) he probably wouldn't have had the same complaints.
Yet some people seem to like it!

CandyCrushLevel14809 · 13/09/2026 21:00

Minasama · 13/09/2026 15:38

I did wish to God at primary school that there was still the discipline of printed letters home. I found the constant barrage of messages across five different channels very difficult.

Our letters now arrive as attachments. It is nigh on impossible to search the content so you can’t just go into your email and search for e.g year 11 trip to museum.

Luckylu123 · 13/09/2026 20:55

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 13/09/2026 08:26

The thought occurs

It's easier if one person does these types of things

If you try to split it then it gets harder as you don't know what is getting done

This is especially true if each person has a different way of doing things

And yes I'm a single parent, no I don't struggle with these things

If it's something in the future I just make a note on my Google calendar when it's going to happen

Else I make a note on my phones notepad and just tick it off when I do it

I don't think I could split these types of admin jobs with someone else it would get confusing

Edited

My husband manages all the sport admin. It’s not confusing because that’s just his job. He gets the communications for those activities not me.

BoarBrush · 13/09/2026 19:24

MagicUser1 · 13/09/2026 08:48

Years ago, dh took.over dental appointments. I wont lie, the time he had to reschedule 3 times because he hadnt actually checked diary or considered the activities we had on did make me (very quietly and out of sight) chuckle to myself.....

He didnt bitch or complain. I think it was a bit of an eye opener though.

Oh don't even start me on the dentist. Ours has now started doing email reminders instead of calls, guess who's email address he used for all 6 of us including his own ? Thankfully the practice manager is his best mates wife so I text her and got it changed to his.

Daftypants · 13/09/2026 17:33

I did absolutely everything to do with 3 kids ( one disabled so had extra appointments / therapies / admin ) plus house , pets , food shop , meal planning, cooking , clearing up , all the laundry and ironing , all chores , errands and housework .
Plus any and all medical and dental appointments, taking them for haircuts , clothes shopping for them
All he had to do was his work and a little finance admin .
He would have had a terrible shock if I had gone away for a while !

Oldraver · 13/09/2026 17:04

OH dealt with all of DS's college stuff, and there was lots. Somehow they never got my email

Doone22 · 13/09/2026 16:53

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 13/09/2026 08:26

The thought occurs

It's easier if one person does these types of things

If you try to split it then it gets harder as you don't know what is getting done

This is especially true if each person has a different way of doing things

And yes I'm a single parent, no I don't struggle with these things

If it's something in the future I just make a note on my Google calendar when it's going to happen

Else I make a note on my phones notepad and just tick it off when I do it

I don't think I could split these types of admin jobs with someone else it would get confusing

Edited

Absolutely true. If you're not capable or just don't want to do it hand it all off. This kind of Intensive admin doesn't mean its suitable for a jobshare.

Minasama · 13/09/2026 15:38

I did wish to God at primary school that there was still the discipline of printed letters home. I found the constant barrage of messages across five different channels very difficult.

intrepidpanda · 13/09/2026 15:06

I voted YABU because I am fed up with this calling normal life 'mental load' like its some huge big deal.
Just sounds like you want to make drama out of nothing.

Boredofprivateschoolbashing · 13/09/2026 14:52

Last year I had enough of carrying the mental load. I left my husband. Now, whilst I'm still doing all my kids' admin, I don't have to 'parent' him as well, provide sex on a Sunday, clean up after him, etc. etc. My only regret is that I didn't go sooner. Not saying this is what you should do, OP. But if you're not happy, you need to address it with him.

Happysnappydays · 13/09/2026 14:31

Passaggressfedup · 13/09/2026 14:24

It's unhealthy, yes - but why not mention how unhealthy it is for one person to think the other person is their support human who will automatically take care of most of these tasks? That's the underlying problem
Because most of the time, it's balanced in other ways. Most commonly that the man gets all the mental load of ensuring they can bring enough money in the family to ensure they are housed, fed and they don't have to worry about any of it.

Men are more likely to take on the load of making sure the house is well looked after, deal with plumbing or electric issues, managing any structural problems, dealing with making sure the gutters are clean etc...

The problem is some women don't see further than just looking after the children.

Maybe in the 1950s he had the full burden of earning.
And women now are more than capable of building flatpacks, phoning up a guttering person, taking their car to the garage.
I know "handy" men still exist but I think they're a dying breed, based on my friends' dhs and my male work colleagues.

Passaggressfedup · 13/09/2026 14:24

It's unhealthy, yes - but why not mention how unhealthy it is for one person to think the other person is their support human who will automatically take care of most of these tasks? That's the underlying problem
Because most of the time, it's balanced in other ways. Most commonly that the man gets all the mental load of ensuring they can bring enough money in the family to ensure they are housed, fed and they don't have to worry about any of it.

Men are more likely to take on the load of making sure the house is well looked after, deal with plumbing or electric issues, managing any structural problems, dealing with making sure the gutters are clean etc...

The problem is some women don't see further than just looking after the children.

Totaldramallama · 13/09/2026 14:23

hopspot · 13/09/2026 09:08

To me it depends how much each partner works as to the level of mental load taking. There should always be an even split.

Agreed. The issue is that as times have changed and life has become more expensive women have stepped up to bring in the money but men have not stepped up to help run the home.

I don't mind taking on the lion's share of mental load, school admin, appointments, arranging play dates etc because DH's financial contribution allows me to work part time. He also has plenty of jobs around the house that are his, but school admin would not be something he would manage well

Thesillysocks · 13/09/2026 14:16

BerryTwister · 13/09/2026 13:18

@Thesillysocks what happens if the one in charge of school things agrees to a school event, that clashes with a club event that the other parents has agreed to?

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All events to be added to a shared calendar, and check the calendar before committing to something. We do that and it works perfectly - on the odd occasion when one of us arranges something and then realise that they have double booked, they re-schedule / cancel / handle it.

Mapletree1985 · 13/09/2026 13:42

FreeBros · 13/09/2026 08:02

DH is pretty good and he will always run us around when we need etc BUT it is always me telling him what and where. We’ve discussed the whole mental load before - I have the app for the children’s school, been the one who has organised their clubs and classes, organise the food shopping and meals and what they need for school trips, paid for school dinners, sorted out the play dates and birthday parties etc… historically I’ve been the one taking them places and he will sometimes come but again I organise it all… we’ve now agreed to split this more evenly.

Cue DH signing them up to cubs/beavers. He can’t stop telling me how many emails they are sending him. He can’t believe it. He’ll say “another one!” Every now and again. He has also added himself to the WhatsApp groups for kids classes and can’t believe how active it is. “They are asking about signing up for Christmas stuff already!” and so on…

I am finding it quite amusing but also… no sympathy from me pal! Welcome to my world 😂

Do people really need to be on all these apps? Can't you just show up to Cubs/Beavers once a week? or get Ai to read them all for you and then summarize the things you actually need to know?

SapphireSeptember · 13/09/2026 13:35

WhatNextImScared · 13/09/2026 08:28

You’re a single parent so it definitely seems easier as you’re not carrying the extreme resentment of doing all the admin - which is vast with multiple kids - on top of work, the house etc, while the bloke gets to just focus all his mental energy on his own life. It’s not that it’s hard (though the volume can be overwhelming) it’s that it’s FUCKING INFURIATING

Financially being a single parent is so tough. But I think emotionally it’s actually easier. My friend who is a solo parent via IVF actually said to me “I absolutely do not know how you have the time or energy to be in a relationship on top of this”. Well, we don’t. So the marriage suffers.

Edited

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I agree with this! I'm a single mum and I feel it's much easier because I just have to worry about me and DS, and not another adult on top of that.

dracn · 13/09/2026 13:27

FreeBros · 13/09/2026 09:13

It’s actually working pretty well so far! We’ve agreed that XYZ are my jobs and ABC are his jobs (as a PP has suggested) and on top of our shared online calendar we have introduced an old fashioned paper calendar and are responsible for adding “our”
responsibilities to it. It’s actually been maybe the best thing we’ve introduced and I don’t know why we didn’t do it before!

We have also started doing “Sunday night strategics” as we’ve called it where we take twenty minutes to look through the calendar, go over the plans for the week and iron out any logistics. It’s only been a few weeks but we are both feeling more positive and relaxed.

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Jesus Christ, is this just some people’s way of making themselves feel more important?

“Iron out logistics” - you’re taking your kids to school and telling them to remember their PE kit! There’s no need to make it sound like you’re organising a raid on the Louvre.

BerryTwister · 13/09/2026 13:18

Thesillysocks · 13/09/2026 08:50

They are many ways:
Each parent is in charge of school comms for one child.
One parent is in charge of uniform, the other one does all other school matters.
One parent is in charge of a given sports club / beavers / etc.
One parent is in charge of organising holiday clubs / planning for childcare during holidays.
etc

Edited

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@Thesillysocks what happens if the one in charge of school things agrees to a school event, that clashes with a club event that the other parents has agreed to?

TheLemonLemur · 13/09/2026 12:38

My ex is in the whats app group for 1 of our childs activities as comps fall on both of our days and he is never done moaning about it. I have approx 10 such groups for various activities, then the school and class chats plus do all the clubs admin, medical apps and school admin. I roll my eyes when he moans and offer to add him to other chats